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Originally posted at: https://sexuallypuremen.beehiiv.com/p/11-rules-engaging-grieving-spouse

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS

To assist in working with your grieving spouse, I have created 11 rules that, if followed, will help prevent conflicts from escalating. That does not mean your interactions will be perfect, but you will give her the validation and support she needs to heal.

1. No Explaining. Betrayers sometimes go into a monologue when attempting to answer an inquiry. This extensive level of explaining, especially when the spouse’s amygdala is heightened, leaves the betrayed partner feeling overwhelmed, and it does nothing to resolve the situation. Explaining when the betrayed spouse is grieving is like moving in the opposite direction of her. Instead, answer the question fully but distinctly.

 2. No Surprises. How often have I seen an attempt to surprise a spouse blow up in the face of the betrayer? Why? Because surprises require being secretive. There can be no secrets during the season of recovery. Planning a surprise can create a minefield for a spouse who is in the throes of grief. Play it safe and avoid the potential drama. No surprises.

 3. Validation, Not Defensiveness. This could be a simple rule for betrayers to follow if they knew how to validate. A person hypersensitive to criticism, rejection, and being falsely accused will be a master of defensiveness. This practice is nothing more than an attempt to shut down the partner whom the betrayer believes is wrong in their assumptions. Validation is the antidote to defensiveness, and it does not take much to learn how to do it effectively. 

 4. Don’t Wilt (Be Confident). Watching a betrayer collapse in front of her devastates a betrayed partner. She sees it as a sign of weakness and cowardliness. The truth is those who crash have poor ego strength and low self-worth. The anger and frustration of the betrayed partner comes across as an attack. What is needed is for the betrayer to build self-confidence. A betrayer needs also to find his partner’s pain points to overcome wilting. In doing so, he can stay focused on her hurt instead of mirroring her pain.

 5. Don’t Let Your Inner Child Speak To Your Partner. Your Inner Child is a hot mess of emotions and impulses. Do not let the Child hijack your conversations with your partner. Instead, keep the Child quiet and focused on demonstrating empathy. Allowing his little fellow to speak with your spouse is the equivalent of setting off a hand grenade in the middle of a conversation. Keeping your Inner Child quiet when engaging your spouse is critical.

 6. See Her Pain. This is probably one of the most important rules, and one men struggle to adhere to. Instead of seeing their partners’ pain, they see hostility, which leads them to focus on their pain. When this occurs, they will either wilt or become defensive. If you can locate your partner’s pain points, you will be much more empathic and patient. 

 7. Walk Into The Fire. I came up with this engagement approach to encourage men to proactively ask their partners about the pain they are feeling (especially during times when the betrayed spouses is not displaying much in the way of grieving). I call it walking into the fire because there is a high risk the men will get burnt. Yes, it may hurt, but that being said, this practice delivers several positive messages including: I know you are still hurting; I am not trying to pull you through this, and I want to sit with you in your pain. You can read more about this approach here:  https://sexuallypuremen.com/2018/03/01/help-her-heal-walk-into-the-fire/

 8. Communicate Before Going Out In Public. Many betrayed partners are terrified of going out in public with their spouses for fear they will be scouting out other women. Their fears are valid but not always accurate. I authored an article about the difference between noticing and objectifying. You can read it here: https://sexuallypuremen.com/2024/02/05/the-difference-between-noticing-and-objectifying. One way to lessen this impact is to dialogue with your spouse before heading out in public. Let her know that you are in a good place and your focus will be only on her. Ask how she is feeling and let her know if she is triggered, you can go somewhere else or home.

 9. Own Your Impact, Not Just Your Intentions. Betrayers have wonderful intentions. Unfortunately, your intentions are meaningless if the outcome leads to your partner feeling unsafe. For your spouse, your actions speak louder than your words. Just because you have noble intentions does not make up for missing the mark and causing more pain. Forget about your intentions and focus on doing the right thing.

10. Don’t Leave Her in the Dark. This is a simple rule, yet one that men break consistently. Be honest, open, and transparent. If you cannot do this, most likely, it is your fear of being in trouble or being a disappointment that is holding you back. You must hold onto your fears, which developed during your childhood, and move forward in being honest and transparent — always and about everything! Undoubtedly, when you start doing this, you will feel much better about yourself. Be her light in this dark season.

 11. Prepare Yourself Every Morning. This is critical if you want to be consistent in your approach to helping your hurting partner. Each morning, you should take 5 to 10 minutes to review how you will engage with her despite her mood or accusations. You want to reinforce being patient, kind, understanding, curious, and empathic. When your emotional state starts to heighten during a conversation, take a time out and recalibrate. Then return and continue the conversation. Preparation is essential to being consistent. Be sure to add prayer and meditation to your preparation. 

The road to healing is difficult, but these rules can serve as a roadmap. Follow them, and you will experience more wins than losses. The more your grieving spouse experiences your compassion and consistency, the more likely they are to heal.

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs.