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Even There

By KW

“O Come, O Come Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee O Israel.”

     Similar to the Israelites journey out of Egypt, I lived as a prisoner to the Pharaoh of addiction for the first quarter of my life. I’d always known I had serious issues, and that my world was totally unmanageable, but I felt powerless to change. If I’m honest, there was a big part of me that didn’t really want to leave behind the “pleasures of Egypt” and, while I would often beg God to free me from my captivity, my divided heart could never take my feet beyond the shore of the Red Sea. Looking back now, I can see how the Lord was with me all along, but I wanted Him to come as a magician, not a Great Physician (Luke 5:31). I wanted a microwaveable miracle rather than a painful process of collaborative-cleansing; comfort over change. But just as Moses was born during a horrible hour of enslavement, the birth of Christ was a prophetic promise of spiritual emancipation, which is why I love “O Come, O Come Emmanuel.”

     This song is essentially the story of my life, and the age-old testimony of humanity.  It reminds us that while we were slaves to sin, precious little baby Emmanuel descended from Heaven “to proclaim liberty to the captives…[and] to set at liberty those who are oppressed” (Luke 4:18). Perhaps you find yourself battling with some besetting sin this advent season. May the lyrics of this song encourage your weary heart. “Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.” Our freedom was the very reason that Christ was born; He loves you and will never forsake you. After all, Emmanuel means “God with us,” and so in our sin-struggles, addictions, and brokenness, Emmanuel is with us even there. Dear friends, open your hearts today and joyfully receive the gift of His sacred presence. No matter where you find yourself, Emmanuel is with you even there (Psalm 139:7-12).

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Why Codependents find it hard to set Boundaries

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-codependents-find-it-hard-to-set-boundaries/

For many, the concept of boundaries is straightforward – a delineation of personal space, values, and the acceptable limits of behavior in relationships. However, for some, the setting and maintaining of these boundaries is anything but simple. In the realm of human relationships, particularly among those who exhibit certain relational patterns, the establishment of healthy boundaries can be a complex and elusive task.

These relational patterns, often characterized by an excessive emotional reliance on a partner, parent, or friend, can significantly impede one’s ability to establish personal limits. Individuals with these tendencies often find themselves in a paradoxical bind. On one hand, they possess a deep yearning for personal validation and emotional security; on the other, they have a habit of placing the needs and desires of others above their own. This imbalance lays the groundwork for a dynamic where boundaries are either weak or nonexistent.

One of the fundamental reasons behind this challenge is the rooted belief in the importance of others’ needs over one’s own. From an early age, some individuals learn to gain approval and love by being accommodating, helpful, and attuned to the needs of others, often at the expense of their own needs. This learned behavior is not just a temporary adaptation but becomes an ingrained part of their identity and self-worth. As adults, this translates into a pattern of behavior where the thought of asserting their own needs feels not just uncomfortable but fundamentally wrong.

The fear of rejection or abandonment is another powerful deterrent in setting boundaries. The mere thought of displeasing someone can evoke intense anxiety and discomfort in these individuals. This fear is not unfounded; it often stems from past experiences where expressing their needs led to negative consequences. Therefore, saying ‘no’ or expressing a differing opinion is not just a matter of asserting oneself; it’s risking the loss of a relationship that they perceive as crucial to their emotional survival.

Moreover, there is often a deep-seated belief that one’s value is contingent upon their usefulness or agreeableness to others. This belief system can lead to a perpetual cycle of overextending oneself in an attempt to be indispensable. In this cycle, setting boundaries feels like a direct threat to their sense of self and worth. If they are not needed, if they are not the go-to person for support, then who are they? This existential question can be terrifying and is a significant barrier to establishing healthy limits.

Empathy and sensitivity, while generally positive traits, can also complicate boundary setting. Individuals who are highly empathetic often have a heightened awareness of others’ emotions and needs. While this can be a strength, it can also be a weakness when it comes to setting boundaries. The ability to deeply feel and understand what others are going through can lead to a prioritization of others’ needs, often at a cost to their own well-being. It’s challenging to say ‘no’ or to assert one’s needs when they can so acutely feel the disappointment or discomfort it might cause someone else.

Communication skills, or rather the lack thereof, play a crucial role in the difficulty of setting boundaries. Effective communication is key in expressing one’s needs and limits. However, for those who have spent a lifetime prioritizing others’ needs, the language of self-assertion can be foreign and intimidating. They may lack the vocabulary or the confidence to express their needs and limits effectively. Even when they do attempt to set boundaries, their communication may be apologetic or so soft that it is easily overlooked or dismissed.

In addition to these personal factors, societal and cultural expectations can exacerbate the difficulty in setting boundaries. Certain cultures and societies place a high value on selflessness and caregiving, particularly for women. In these contexts, the act of putting oneself first or asserting personal needs can be seen as selfish or inappropriate. These societal norms can reinforce the internalized belief that one’s value is tied to how much they sacrifice for others.

Furthermore, the dynamic of their relationships can be a significant barrier. In relationships where one has always been the giver, the caregiver, or the problem-solver, changing this dynamic by setting boundaries can be met with resistance or confusion from others. This resistance can be discouraging and can reinforce the fear of rejection or abandonment. It’s easier to maintain the status quo, even if it’s at the cost of personal well-being.

Given these challenges, setting boundaries can be a daunting task. It requires not just the recognition of one’s right to personal space and needs but also the courage to face potential rejection and the resilience to withstand the discomfort of change. It’s a journey that involves redefining one’s self-worth, learning new communication skills, and, most importantly, the realization that one’s value is not contingent upon their utility to others.

For individuals exhibiting certain relational patterns, the act of setting boundaries is more than just drawing a line; it’s a profound process of redefining their identity and relationships. It involves confronting deep-seated fears, challenging long-held beliefs, and navigating complex emotional landscapes. While the journey is challenging, the establishment of healthy boundaries is a critical step towards emotional well-being and more balanced, fulfilling relationships. The path to achieving this may be fraught with obstacles, but the destination—a place of self-respect and healthier relational dynamics—is undoubtedly worth the journey.

Recognizing the inherent challenges in setting boundaries for individuals who prioritize others’ needs over their own, there are several practical steps that can be taken to facilitate this essential process. The journey towards effective boundary setting is gradual and requires patience, practice, and often, a reevaluation of one’s self-perception and values.

1. Self-Reflection: The first step is introspection. Individuals must take time to understand their own needs, values, and limits. This can be achieved through journaling, meditation, or therapy. It’s important to identify what makes them feel comfortable and what doesn’t, and where they need to draw the line to maintain their mental and emotional well-being.

2. Reevaluate Self-Worth: It’s crucial to work on the belief that one’s value is tied to how much they do for others. This often involves challenging long-held beliefs and replacing them with the understanding that everyone has intrinsic worth, independent of their utility to others. Affirmations, therapy, and supportive relationships can aid in this reevaluation.

3. Develop Communication Skills: Effective boundary setting requires clear and assertive communication. It’s essential to learn how to express needs and limits in a way that is direct yet respectful. Role-playing exercises, communication workshops, or therapy can help in developing these skills. Using “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have time for myself” can be a good starting point.

4. Start Small: Begin with setting small boundaries in less challenging relationships or situations. This could be as simple as saying no to an additional task at work or asking a friend for some time to respond to their requests. Small successes can build confidence and provide a foundation for more significant boundary setting in more critical relationships.

5. Plan and Practice: Anticipate situations where boundaries might be needed and plan responses ahead of time. Rehearsing these responses can make it easier to assert them in real situations. It’s often helpful to have a few set phrases ready for use in moments of stress.

6. Seek Support: Support from friends, family, or a therapist can be invaluable. They can provide encouragement, offer perspective, and help in staying accountable to one’s commitment to set boundaries. Support groups can also be a great resource, as they allow sharing experiences and learning from others who face similar challenges.

7. Manage Guilt: Feeling guilty after setting a boundary is common. It’s important to recognize that this guilt does not mean that the action was wrong. Reminding oneself of the reasons for setting the boundary and the benefits it brings can help in managing these feelings. Over time, as one becomes more accustomed to asserting their needs, the guilt often diminishes.

8. Be Persistent: It’s common for others to test or push back against newly set boundaries. Persistence is key. Reasserting boundaries calmly and consistently helps in reinforcing them. It’s also crucial to recognize that it’s okay if a relationship changes or even ends as a result of setting healthy boundaries; such changes can be an integral part of personal growth and healthier relational dynamics.

9. Self-Care: Engaging in self-care activities can bolster one’s resolve to maintain boundaries. Whether it’s engaging in a hobby, exercise, or simply taking time out to relax, self-care reinforces the notion that one’s needs are important and deserving of attention.

10. Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate each step taken towards effectively setting boundaries. Recognizing one’s own progress, no matter how small, can be a powerful motivator and can reinforce the positive aspects of setting and maintaining boundaries.

Setting boundaries is a skill that can be developed over time. For those who find it particularly challenging, it requires a multi-faceted approach involving self-reflection, communication skill development, support, and a shift in self-perception. It’s a journey that might be fraught with discomfort and resistance, both from within and from others, but the benefits it brings to one’s emotional health and relationships are profound and lasting. With patience, practice, and support, effective boundary setting can become a reality, leading to a more balanced, fulfilling, and respectful way of interacting with the world.

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Daily Journal Template

By Tim Mavergeorge – mavergeorge@christiancounselinghouston.com

When you write, you tap into a part of the brain that processes differently than when you just talk.  In essence, you will have a greater ability to tap into your core self and underlying emotions bringing you greater awareness, growth, and eventually healing and recovery.

Writing will give you a connection to the healthy part of yourself.  There is also a cathartic effect as you will be expressing emotions on paper that may be hidden from you on a more subconscious level.  

Writing will also allow you to clarify your thoughts especially when it comes to your addictive process.  You will not feel helpless but instead gain traction and knowledge as to why you did what you did.  Clients may feel this is extra work and I will agree it is more work because strong feelings may come up.  Feelings of despair, grief, hurt not only from the present but from your past could come to surface.  Rather than running away from them, the writing process will give you an opportunity to acknowledge and hopefully one day embrace them.

  1. How do I feel today?
    • Anger: fury, outrage, wrath, irritability, hostility, resentment and violence.
    • Sadness: grief, sorrow, gloom, melancholy, despair, loneliness, and depression.
    • Fear: anxiety, apprehension, nervousness, dread, fright, and panic.
    • Joy: enjoyment, happiness, relief, bliss, delight, pride, thrill, and ecstasy.
    • Interest: acceptance, friendliness, trust, kindness, affection, love, and devotion.
    • Surprise: shock, astonishment, amazement, astound, and wonder.
    • Disgust: contempt, disdain, scorn, aversion, distaste, and revulsion.
    • Shame: guilt, embarrassment, chagrin, remorse, regret, and contrition.
  2. Why?
  3. The one thing which was most meaningful to me today was……….
  4. The one thing that I was most thankful for today was……
  5. What do I need to surrender to God and trust him with?
  6. What have I changed, or am willing to change about my life?
  7. What have I learned about myself today?
  8. The one thing which bugged me or bothered me the most today was…….
  9. What did I do good for myself today?

PRAYER: Dear God, What are you trying to teach me here? What issues in my heart are you trying to raise through this? What is it you want me to see? What are you asking me to let go of? What do you want me to remember?

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Sexual Sin in the Ministry

Sexual Sin in the Ministry
by Harry Schaumburg | March  6, 2012
Originally posted at: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/sexual-sin-in-the-ministry

For the last twenty years thousands of men from across America struggling with sexual sin have come to our intensive counseling workshop. Over half were pastors and missionaries.

I wish our experience was unique.

Several years ago a seminary professor told me: “We no longer ask our entering students if they are struggling with pornography, we assume every student is struggling. The question we ask: ‘How serious is the struggle?’”

One missions agency told me that 80% of their applicants voluntarily indicate a struggle with pornography, resulting in staff shortages on the field.

Pornography is just one level of sin, a form of visual sex, or heart adultery. Physical adultery includes an affair, multiple affairs, prostitution, and homosexuality. Other sexual behaviors within the ministry are such heinous “unfruitful works of darkness . . . it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret” (Ephesians 5:11–12). To face the crisis we must correctly understand the nature of the problem, ask God to search our own hearts, and be committed to restore each one caught in sexual sin “in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1).

I have pondered long and hard two questions: Why do people repeatedly return to sexual sin and why do people turn away from sexual sin?

Lured Toward Sin

First, I would say that after two decades of helping set free those held captive by sexual sin, I’m convinced that the concept of sexual addiction as a disease does not fully identify the seriousness of the problem. If we are going to get serious about the problem in the church we can ill afford to be misled in our thinking. The real problem is hidden deep within. The least bit of lust is an indication of vast corruption in the human heart. It is an enslavement that cannot be broken through any form of behavior management, recovery program, or counseling. The inside is so ravaged by sin that we can do nothing to change it.

When one is held in the grip of sexual sin, there is no hope of self-reform or self-efforts, for those living according to the “passions of their flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and mind” (Ephesians 2:3). To put it bluntly, those living in habitual sexual sin are “dead in their trespasses and sin” (verse 1). Dead, in a loss of spiritual life. Dead to finding satisfaction with God. Dead to living for his purpose. Holiness is dead. Wisdom is dead. Purity is dead. Love is dead. Like David, the sexual sinner has sinned “against the Lord” (2 Samuel 12:13), and in so doing has “utterly scorned the Lord” (verse 14). The horrible fact is they are “by nature children of wrath” (Ephesians 2:3).

I believe addictionology plays down the seriousness of sin and the necessity of the work of God when it encourages the sexual addict to accept the theory that recovery will only be successful when they begin to believe that they are a good person at the core and just have a disease.

Diagnoses always determine the method of treatment. So ‘good’ people only need to get serious, follow the steps of recovery, and remain in recovery. The opposite is true. When dealing with sexual sin we must hold fast to the teaching of Jesus Christ, “For from within, out of the heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality,  . . . adultery” (Mark 7:21).

By nature and by choice we satisfy ourselves, rebel against God, and have no accurate understanding of the depth of our problem. The heart is deceptive, and without supernatural change it will grow worse. The only hope is “the grace of God . . . training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age” (Titus 2:11–12).

Look closely and you will see that the sexual sinner is disappointed with pleasure in their pursuit of what is essentially false intimacy. As one pastor, who was living in two adulterous relationships, put it: “This was the insanity; I no sooner finished the sexual act and immediately broke into tears, devastated by what I had done, but I only returned again and again to the same sinful relationship.”

As sinners we are created with desires for intimacy and for delight. Therefore, “The way to fight lust is to feed faith with the precious and magnificent promise that the pure in heart will see, face to face, the all-satisfying God of glory” (Future Grace, 338).

Yet the sexual sinner, finding no pleasure in real intimacy with God, ultimately finds no pleasure in false intimacy. Real intimacy has both pain and pleasure; false intimacy offers the illusion of no pain, but in the end there is no real pleasure! A part of exchanging the “truth about God for a lie” (Romans 1:25) is that you end up with pleasure now, pain forever!

Descending Deception

Deception runs deeper than we think. Deception is inherent to the problem of sexual sin on two levels.

First, there is the double life with clandestine liaisons, endless hidden hours on a computer, or the misuse of unaccounted time away from the office or home. The behavior is carefully hidden from view, but there are lies, then more lies to cover the lies. Face the facts: the motive for secrecy is to keep doing it. But secrecy of sexual sin also indicates a person’s commitment to flee from the light. “And people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil” (John 3:19).

The second level of deception is self-deception. If the heart is deceitful, it impacts the way we want to see the secret things in our lives, particularly secret sexual sins. The missionary can justify going to nude beaches; a pastor sees the value of an affair because it makes him happy; going to a prostitute on Monday is just a reward for hard work on Sunday.

When you say, “I will keep this part of my life a secret,” what are you hiding?

Hidden from view is a scandalous behavior that would certainly horrify any congregation or spouse. It is also a calculated contradiction of one’s public image that if revealed would bring ruin. It also may be a relationship that you believe is so fulfilling you can’t imagine ending it.

Everyone thinks they are hiding their acts of sin: lust, cheating, porn, and adultery. Such thinking makes it easier to justify the secrecy for the greater good of one’s marriage, family, ministry, job, and future. Such rationalization is universal to all secret sexual sin. “After all, a lot of people would be hurt if they knew what I was doing.” As one pastor put it, “I was in a six month affair, at the same time preaching and counseling against adultery, and telling myself that God didn’t care because the church was growing.”

In reality, it is not the behavior alone that is hidden.

Secret sexual sin is an invasive poison to the soul, mind and the body. It is a poison deep within the recesses of the soul that keeps one from finding satisfaction in God and meaningful intimacy with others. This is a poison that will kill not only in this life, but also life eternal! “For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure . . . has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God” (Ephesians 5:5). Sexual behavior that is indistinguishable from the unbelieving world may indicate a person is not truly a child of God.

The Turn From Sin

Why do people turn away from sexual sin?

In thousands of cases that I have counseled, only about one-percent of the men have come to us voluntarily and preemptively. Ninety-nine percent of the men were caught.

Getting caught in sexual sin doesn’t change the heart.

I can’t prove it, but I believe that God will providentially expose the secret sexual sin of his children.

It staggers our finite imagination that God will allow his chosen ones to go deep into brazen sexual sin, live in it for many years, and have so many people badly hurt. And no matter how difficult it is for spouses and church members to see it in the moment, God is at work when a pastor’s sin is exposed. Exposure is a sovereign act of God. God’s ways are not our ways! In all the vileness and rebellion against God that is a big part of sexual sin, exposure is showing us the perfect patience of Christ.

Many times I’ve been asked, “How can you keep dealing with such sinful men?” There are two reasons: First, I have seen over and over again the power of God to change the darkest sinner. Second, restoration with God is more important than anything. It is more important than career or marriage. God cares more for you, your soul, and your wife than he does your gifts and calling. You are his child before you are a pastor or a husband.

Conviction

After secret sexual sin is exposed we can make the mistake of focusing on the actions and attempt to eliminate behavior. We may be inadvertently feeding a false conviction rather than aiding true conviction.

False conviction is a reflex reaction caused by self-disgust, a sorrow over the consequences of sin. True conviction is an abiding sorrow over the offence against God, and while not the natural response, it does demonstrate that God has begun a good work that he will complete. True conviction is followed by true repentance. False conviction is followed by counterfeit repentance that only sees the consequences of sexual sin and the pain it caused others. Often this leads to a temporary change in behavior without a heart change.

Heart change is critical, “For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexual immoral (Gk. porneia) or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater) has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God” (Ephesians 5:5). There is no room for error when it comes to dealing with sexual sin. There is a demand to either repent or perish (Luke 13:3, 5). So there must be inner transformation of the heart because it is “deceitful above all things and desperately sick” (Jeremiah 17:9).

Christians must take severe measures in killing this sin. This is the real danger: “Every unclean thought would be adultery if it could” (John Owen). “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality . . .” (Colossians 3:5).

The cross isn’t a recovery program, the place to improve on what good is already there. It is a place to die. It is not a question of giving up sexual sin, but of giving up one’s rights!

“But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness” (Romans 6:17–18). As dead sinners we lived “in the passion of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind” (Ephesians 2:3). Deceived, we foolishly think we can use our bodies as we choose when we are in love, when it brings us pleasure, when it makes us a whole person or feeds our spiritual well being. The truly repentant sexual sinner begins to grasp, “You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19, 20).

True repentance is radical change from the inside out. “The basic meaning of repent is to experience a change of the mind’s perceptions and dispositions and purposes” (What Jesus Demands, 41). Repentance is not just becoming sexually pure, but an inward change, “so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:10). Inward change leads to sexual purity. Repentance happens on the inside where heart change includes the development of an ingrained attitude to flee sexual immorality.

Don’t Wait To Get Caught

Some time ago I met a pastor who told me that he had two or three affairs in each of the several churches he had pastored. He said, “My reputation in my denomination is to take a small struggling church and see it grow, only to again take another small church and see it grow. I’ve made that move three times, but in fact, I was only moving to a new church before I got caught in those affairs.” That man has no reason to expose his sexual sin or leave the ministry. Why should anyone know?

Why should anyone turn from sexual sin before being caught?

First, don’t let yourself be deceived. “Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil . . . No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God” (1 John 3:8, 9). While not completely free from sin, the heart of the true believer has been transformed, and they cannot live in a pattern of continual sexual sin.

Second, the exhortation is to “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Third, fear is not a virtue. Yes, exposure will be costly, but right now you are dying on the inside. It may not feel like dying right now, but you are, you are slowly killing yourself, your spouse, your family, and your congregation.

Fourth, if secret sexual sin has severe consequences, it is worth dealing with before the devastation occurs. Obvious examples come to mind to get help before: your Internet browsing history is discovered and shared; the prostitute turns into an uncover police women and you are arrested for soliciting; you contract an STD; or you are publicly exposed, humiliating yourself, your spouse, your family, and your congregation.

Fifth, it will come out. God is never mocked. “Note then the kindness and the severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God’s kindness to you, provided you continue in his kindness” (Romans 11:22).

Sixth, getting caught shatters trust and honesty in marriage, embarrasses your spouse, and makes reconciliation more difficult.

Seventh, there is hope. It begins with facing the truth. It is never just a struggle with your thought life; like all sexual sin, it is evil. If there is an old self to put off, there must be a new self to put on; that is the gospel.

Hear the Better Word

Christ bears the wrath that will come for all sexual sin. If you are a true believer and real change has occurred, you are called to put off the old and put on the new. Killing sexual sin starts with exposure; it ends with no longer being enslaved (Romans 6:6). Exposure is painful, but it is better to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” than to hear, “I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.”

If you are a pastor stuck in sexual sin, no matter how well you have attempted to cover those sins with layers and layers of lies, I plead with you, step out from the darkness of those sins. Step into the light. Get help. You will never find life in the shadows.

Dr. Harry W. Schaumburg is a speaker, author, and counselor specializing in the area of sexual sin in the church. He is the director of Stone Gate Resources and the author of False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction (1997) and Undefiled: Redemption From Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships (2009). He has been married to his wife Rosemary for 43 years, and they have two adult sons.