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The Impact of Early Porn Exposure on Boys and How to Protect Them

Originally posted at: https://fightthenewdrug.org/early-porn-exposure-impact/

Porn exposure in boys begins as early as 5, leading to potential brain changes and aggressive behaviors. With easy access to increasingly violent and addictive content, it’s crucial to educate and protect children. Here’s what you can do to help.

The problem starts at 13.

That’s the average age that boys are exposed to porn, according to multiple studies.1 And that’s not even the worst part. Some studies suggest that pornography exposure in boys can happen as early as 5.2

At five, boys should be learning to read, developing their imagination, and building early friendships, not being exposed to pornography. But in our era of smartphones and unlimited internet, pornography access has largely become a quick internet search and click away. And restrictions on computers can be easily overridden.

A recent article by Mamamia addressed the difficulties of raising boys when pornography is so easily accessible and difficult to censor. Mamamia covered how common it was for young boys to watch porn. They found that out of “830 young Australians aged 16 to 20, half of young men watch porn at least once a week and nearly 20 percent almost daily.”3

The problem is both the type and the amount of porn that boys are watching has changed.

Porn has changed

Back in 1953, Hugh Hefner released his first Playboy. Still, images of naked models opened the doors for modern-day pornography. Just three years later, VCR emerged, and in the 80s, video pornography became available in the United States for the first time. Still, you must show your ID to prove you’re 18, but it’s becoming more accessible. Nothing, however, compares to how accessible it became once the internet started in the 1990s. Suddenly, anyone can access just about any type of porn they want with just a quick search.

Now porn sites consistently remain some of the top most used websites in the world. As of May 2024, Pornhub was the leading adult content and pornographic website for global users. It averaged about 5.49 billion monthly visits. Xvideos ranked next with about 4.02 billion monthly visits.4

That’s an average of 92 billion visits for 2024. That’s 252 million visits a day. 175 thousand visits every minute. So if it took you six minutes to read this article, Pornhub and Xvideos would have already received over a million visits.

Porn started out as just still images, but now it’s grown to be something much bigger than that.

Porn enables violence and aggression towards women

Not only did how accessible, affordable, and anonymous porn became change, but the type of porn that people were producing changed too. A concerned mom in Mamamia addressed the growing disparity between what started out as still images but has grown to something much worse. “The online environment and the porn and depiction of violence against women in particular is something most adults didn’t grow up with themselves.”

Unfortunately, studies only confirm this mom’s worry. Research suggests that 1 in 3 pornographic videos contain some sort of violence against women. In a 2010 study on the “best-selling” pornography videos, a study found that  “the 304 scenes analyzed 88.2% contained physical aggression, principally spanking, gagging, and slapping, while 48.7% of scenes contained verbal aggression, primarily name-calling. Perpetrators of aggression were usually male, whereas targets of aggression were overwhelmingly female.”5

A recent NSW health report showed exposure to violent porn was one of the four common factors behind harmful adolescent behaviors.

A study from 2021 suggests that porn encourages aggressive behavior in men toward women. The study surveyed 320 men and found that the objectification and aggression that often happens in porn leads men to be associated with “aggressive attitudes” and “aggressive behaviors.”6

A study from 2016 found that pornography consumption was associated with a likelihood of “sexual aggression among adults and adolescents.”7 The study also found that there was no significant research to support the idea that men with tendencies for sexually aggressive behavior were only watching pornography to support their “already established sexual scripts” (199). Instead, it found that “pornography consumption predicted boys’ later sexual aggression” (199).

That means porn has an impact on whether boys will develop these behaviors. Porn establishes aggression and objectification, possibly developing these behaviors in boys who may not have had them initially.

Porn changes boys brains

The problem isn’t just that boys are being exposed to porn at a young age or that porn has changed. It’s that a combination of these two things has an actual impact on a young boy’s brain.

Although not formally diagnosed as an addiction, porn induces dopamine in a way that mimics addiction. JAMA Psychiatry found that, like with alcohol or cocaine addicts, there is a smaller grey matter volume. They concluded that neural changes in the “brains of pornography users…mirrors the use of addictive drugs.”8

The fact that porn is so violent, easy to access, and anonymous makes it dangerous for young boys to see. And unlike alcohol, cocaine, or other addictive substances, there’s hardly anything standing between young boys and getting access to it.

Luckily, we have some tips on how to fight it.

What you can do

Mamamia pointed out that often, “parents aren’t aware their child is watching porn or the nature of the porn they’re watching, so education is the first step.” One mom discussed how she was already having educating conversations with her seven-year-old boy. “We break it down and talk to him about boundaries… and if he feels scared or uncomfortable, there are only two things he needs to do: turn away and tell a safe person.”

Like Mamamia, we agree that education is so important in the fight against pornography. That’s why we’ve compiled different resources to make educating your kids, friends, or even yourself easy and accessible.

Some of our resources include our age-appropriate and engaging presentation series about the harms of porn and what you can do, our Brain, Heart, World documentary, hundreds of Youtube videos, and of course, this blog.

You’re not alone. We believe in you, so keep fighting!

Citations

1British Board of Film Classification. (2020). Young people, pornography & age-verification. BBFC. Retrieved from https://www.bbfc.co.uk/about-classification/research; https://www.jmir.org/2023/1/e43116/PDF

2https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2017/08/pornography-exposure

3https://www.mamamia.com.au/how-porn-is-affecting-young-boys/

4https://www.statista.com/statistics/1445661/most-visited-porn-websites-worldwide/

5https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epdf/10.1177/1077801210382866

6Zhou, Y., Liu, T., Yan, Y., & Paul, B. (2021). Pornography use, two forms of dehumanization, and sexual aggression: Attitudes vs. behaviors. Null, 1-20.

7Journal of Communication, Volume 66, Issue 1, February 2016, Pages 183–205, https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12201

8https://acpeds.org/position-statements/the-impact-of-pornography-on-children#_edn13

9Robb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.

10Martellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). “I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it”: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people. Middlesex University, NSPCC, & Office of the Children’s Commissioner.

11Robb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.

12Fritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0

13Bridges et al., 2010, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis,” Violence Against Women.

14Fight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.

15Robb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.

16Fight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.

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Why Familiar Pain Feels Like Love

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-familiar-pain-feels-like-love/

by: Dr Nicholas Jenner

Why do we put so much effort into our relationships? Why do so many of us stay in them, even when they bring more pain than joy? Since the beginning of time, human beings have been preoccupied with these questions. The simple truth is that we are social animals. We are wired for connection. Being alone is often stigmatised—seen as abnormal, undesirable, even shameful. Many of us were conditioned by family, culture, and society to believe that being single means something is wrong with us. That belief quietly drives many of the choices we make in adulthood.

The result is that we often cling to relationships, convinced that our value lies in being attached to another person, even if that person is not good for us. And yet, the deeper question remains: why do we choose the partners we do? Why do some people consistently fall into the same patterns, even when those patterns are destructive?

The Unconscious Drive to Repeat the Past

In therapy, this is often where Freud’s concept of repetition compulsion comes in. Put simply, repetition compulsion is the unconscious drive to recreate situations from the past, usually painful ones, in the hope of achieving a different outcome. We are drawn, often without realising it, to people who remind us of our early caregivers. We pick partners, friends, or even bosses who echo those dynamics—not because we enjoy the treatment, but because something inside us is still trying to repair what was broken years ago.

For example, if you grew up with a parent who was unfaithful, you may find yourself either cheating on your own partners or consistently ending up with people who betray your trust. If you had a narcissistic parent, you might later be drawn to narcissistic partners. Not because you like the behaviour, but because it feels familiar and in a way safe.

On an unconscious level, the hope is simple: “If I can fix this relationship, if I can make this person love me, maybe I can finally heal the pain of the past.”

Codependency and the Need to Fix

This cycle is especially clear in codependency. Many codependent people carry deep-seated feelings of guilt and shame from childhood. They often grew up believing they were the cause of tension or conflict between parents. As adults, they unconsciously recreate that dynamic by clinging to unavailable or abusive partners, convinced that if they can fix their partner, they can redeem their childhood family and in a way, prove their worth.

Of course, this rarely works. The partner remains unchanged, the codependent grows more frustrated, and the inner belief of being “damaged goods” is reinforced. The cycle continues, just as it did in the family of origin.

The Role of Exiles

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy gives us a helpful way of understanding this. In IFS, we talk about exiles. Exiles are parts of us that are in pain.They are the younger, wounded parts of ourselves that carry unresolved trauma. These parts were often shamed, neglected, or invalidated during childhood, and so they were pushed away, locked out of everyday awareness. But they never truly disappear. Instead, they remain frozen in time, carrying fear, shame, or feelings of worthlessness.

When triggered, exiles can overwhelm us with intense emotions that feel out of proportion to the present situation. That sudden jealousy, fear of abandonment, or rage during a disagreement? Often, that is an exile speaking. These parts don’t recognise that you are now an adult with resources and agency. They are still stuck in the past, replaying the moment of abandonment, rejection, or betrayal. These exiles are often kept at bay by protector parts who make us angry, sad, work too much, drink or take drugs. Anything as long as we don’t face that childhood trauma again.

Emotional Reactivity and Relationship Struggles

This explains why relationships can feel so volatile. Exiles drive emotional reactivity. A small misunderstanding with a partner might unleash a flood of anger or tears, not because of what is happening now, but because the exile is reliving what happened then. Attachment issues also arise. People who carry strong exiles often struggle with insecurity, jealousy, or a constant need for reassurance. The fear of being left again looms large, making trust and healthy attachment difficult.

Some people, in contrast, build walls. Emotional unavailability is another common defence. When the exile is too painful, the system protects itself by cutting off vulnerability. These emotional barriers are meant to protect, but they also block intimacy. The partner feels shut out, and the relationship suffers.

The Link to Narcissism

Freud also suggested that attraction to narcissists plays a role in repetition compulsion. When someone grows up with narcissistic parents, they are often blamed for problems that were never theirs. As adults, they may unconsciously gravitate toward narcissistic partners, bosses, or friends. The familiar guilt and shame, while painful, feels known. And again, the unconscious hope arises: “If I can finally win love from this type of person, maybe I can heal my past.”

The Self-Sabotage of Exiled Inner Children

Unhealed exiles don’t just impact emotions. They also influence behaviour. Many people sabotage relationships by pulling away when things become too intimate, or by seeking validation outside the relationship. On some level, this is the exile trying to protect itself—better to end things now than risk being hurt again. The tragedy is that these very strategies often bring about the very abandonment they feared.

Bringing the Exiles Home

So, what is the way forward? The key is not to keep repeating the past with new partners, but to turn towards the parts of ourselves that are still hurting. Healing begins when we recognise and accept our exiles. These parts don’t need to be pushed away any longer—they need to be welcomed back, understood, and cared for. Firstly, working with the protector parts to allow us to access the younger parts they are protecting.

In therapy, this often involves “reparenting” the inner child. The Self provides the love, validation, and safety that was missing in childhood. This process allows the exile to release its burdens of shame and fear.

As integration happens, something remarkable changes. The compulsive drive to repeat the past lessens. Self-compassion grows. Triggers are easier to manage. Relationships begin to shift from being reenactments of childhood trauma to genuine adult connections built on trust, empathy, and respect. Even better, we start to shed the toxic people in our lives.

A Different Kind of Intimacy

When we bring our exiles home, relationships stop being about fixing the past. Instead, they become about authentic intimacy in the present. The need to control, to cling, or to sabotage diminishes. We can choose partners more consciously, not because they echo our parents, but because they truly meet us where we are.

Healing our exiles is not quick work. It requires courage, patience, and often the guidance of a therapist. But the reward is profound: freedom from repetition compulsion, freedom from destructive patterns, and the possibility of relationships that are no longer driven by old wounds.

In the end, the effort we put into relationships makes sense—we are wired for connection. But lasting fulfilment doesn’t come from trying to heal our childhood through our partners. It comes from turning inward, facing the parts of ourselves we once abandoned, and finally giving them the love they have always needed.

Only then can we truly connect—with ourselves and with others—in a way that feels authentic, stable, and free.

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Dr. Patrick Carnes, Leading Sex Addiction Expert, Video Interview

Dr. Patrick Carnes, Leading Sex Addiction Expert, Video Interviewed by Joe Polish http://www.sexaddictsupport.com is the latest resource for sex addiction. Dr. Patrick Carnes, leading sex addiction expert, and use the confidential sign up form to get more resources, information, and additional interviews with experts. http://www.sexaddictsupport.com Joe Polish is the founder and president of Piranha Marketing, Inc., creator of Genius Network® (aka 25K Group) and Genius Network® Interview Series, co-founder of http://www.10XTalk.com and I Love Marketing®, highly popular free weekly podcasts on iTunes.