christian

Journal about what you believe it is to be humble. What does it mean to you? Where do you see yourself being humble and what actions have you taken that show your humanity?

Humility is about embracing who I truly am instead of striving to be something more perfect, more impressive, or more powerful. It’s about sincerely being me: the imperfect human, made in the image of God, redeemed by the blood of Jesus, adopted as a beloved son, and given the Holy Spirit to grow in the likeness of Christ. The Twelve and Twelve defines humility as a clear recognition of what and who I really am, followed by a sincere attempt to become what I could be. Which means that humility is also about embracing God as God and my willingness to honor him and follow him as such. Humility is surrender. It’s turning my life and will over to the care of God, kneeling to his authoritative will.

The opposite of humility then is self-reliance. Before recovery, there were massive portions of my life that I refused to give up control of. My own self ruled. I wanted things to be my way. I voiced faith in God and liked the idea of good character and being perceived as someone with good character but I only wanted “good character” if it benefited me. I wasn’t willing to actually surrender that which threatened my image, my self-medicating behaviors, my ideals, or even my core self-contempt. But as long as I tried to play God, I couldn’t actually know him with intimacy or follow God with humility.

Thankfully, God has blessed me with repeated humiliations to crush my self-sufficiency. The pain and suffering I experience as a consequence of my self-reliance, character defects, and addiction are gifts that have helped lead me to freedom. The only way I can say that and the only way that humility and surrender work is if God is all-loving and all-good. He has to be the God who is worth trusting with absolute power. The God who knows my needs, who guides my story, who hears my prayers and answers. This is the God who didn’t let me go on living my false self’s charade. He brutally exposed my lies, revealed my selfish sin, and outright broke my fake self-sufficiency. He put me in the position of having to accept my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life. He humiliated me to bless me with humility. He brought me to my knees so that I could truly surrender to him.

The only way for life to work is for God to be God and me to worship him as his beloved son. As long as I’m trying to be god, I’ll only reproduce the destruction I’ve already caused. My powerless life and compulsive behaviors only lead to one result. So it’s humility or death. Surrender or doom. There’s no in between.

What’s humility look like in my life? Practically getting on my knees each and every day before the living God. Committing my life to him each morning and praying your will be done. Saying, “I’ll obey your Word even if I don’t like it and I’ll accept what you bring into my life even if I don’t understand it. Not my will but your will be done.” Giving up control to obey the wisdom of my sponsor and other experienced voices in recovery, following their guidance instead of my own. Saying no to middle and inner circle behaviors that I justified before or believed weren’t immoral before. Building my schedule and rhythms around my recovery. Serving my wife however I can and adhering to her will without pushing back, keeping what’s most loving and helpful to her as my top priority. Refusing to believe the lies of self-contempt, be consumed by self-pity, or exert my own self-sufficient control by checking these feelings in with others in recovery and acknowledging their irrationality.

It’s also in surrendering the future of my marriage that humility has been most at work. The Holy Spirit’s led me to seeing that I have been loving and serving my wife for much of our separation, hoping it will produce the result of reconciliation between us. Which means that all my best deeds have been conditional. There’s been an expectation of outcome. But that’s ultimately self-reliant control – not humility. Instead, humility allows me to let God be God over our future and empowers me to be present to love my wife unconditionally and sincerely (instead of selfishly). Humility frees me to be grateful for what I have in the present and find joy instead of stressing over where the future will lead.

Again, I can only live this way if I can trust that God has me as the loving Father he is. I don’t need to fight for myself. I don’t have to prove anything. I don’t need to impress anyone. I don’t need to ensure I come out on top in the end. I don’t have to write my own story. He has me, he loves me, he’s leading me, he’s all-powerful, he’s all-good, he won’t abandon me, he won’t betray me, he’s sanctifying and shaping me, he’s leading me to glory, he’s worth trusting.