CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

addiction

By

Quest for Authentic Manhood

I cannot recommend this course enough for those of us new in recovery. This course helped me see my father wound, mother wound, and my own wounds and is a great course in family of origin issues but most importantly on how to become a real man; a man of God. This course was key in my own personal recovery and in following God’s calling to start Castimonia. – Jorge

Good Morning Mighty Men and Happy St. Patrick’s Day,

In exactly 1 WEEK FROM TODAY on Thursday, March 24th we will be starting the “Quest for Authentic Manhood” class at The Fellowship! Quest for Authentic Manhood is the class that I went through while I was homeless living at the Salvation Army. This class taught me that as a man I am not alone in the struggles that we all face in todays world. This class was the beginning for me in learning how to live my life for Jesus and to be a responsible Christian Man.

Some of the topics that we will dive into include:

  • Facing the Father Wound
  • The All Alone Wound
  • A Man and His Wife
  • 25 ways to be a Servant Leader
  • Fathers and Sons
  • Fathers and Daughters
  • A Man and His Life Journey

I GUARANTEE that after going through this class you will be a better husband, father, brother, son, employee and all around better man! The class will be held every Thursday night from 7:00-8:30 pm in the LOFT COMMONS in the NEXT GEN Building of The Fellowship located at 22765 Westheimer Parkway, Katy, TX 77450. Please click on the below link to register:

https://thefellowship.brushfire.com/events/528704

We look forward to seeing you guys on March 24th and please email me with any questions at men@thefellowship.orgI Love you Guys and I pray for you every single day!

By

Off By One Degree

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

If you aim at something, but are off by just one degree, will it really matter? Actually, yes.

If you are off by just one degree over the course of a mile, you will miss your target by 92 feet. If you were to fly from New York to Los Angeles, and be off by just one degree, you’d miss your target by 50 miles. 

Many of us treat recovery like hand grenades and dancing – close is good enough. 

But is close good enough? That would be a firm “NO!”

Yes, it’s about progress, not perfection. But never give yourself permission to view porn, masturbate, sext, or visit sexually provocative websites. To be off by just one degree would be comparable to a quick slip. No big deal, unless that slip is off the side of a mountain.

Recovery Step: “Let him who sins sin no more” (John 8:7).

By

Why You Can’t Let Go Of That Narcissist

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-you-cant-let-go-of-that-narcissist/

I have lost count of the amount of times I have been asked by desperate clients why they cannot let go of an abuser and a narcissist. It seems that they have been injected by some form of drug that has formed an addiction and no amount of logic, common sense or realism will help them. They will go to all lengths to ensure that they remain in contact, however dysfunctional that may be for them. It is a hold that seemingly cannot be broken but truly has to be if recovery is to take place.

Clients who I have recently worked with cannot understand the hold these abusers have over them and of course, blame themselves for the fact that it happens. They really don’t understand how this could have happened to them. The breakup was quite likely traumatic and leaves an effect large enough to keep the victim hooked in. Hooked in is the key word and explains some of the process. This happens in the adulation stage. The initial attraction is often linked to some form of trauma or loss that lends the victim vulnerable to being  “helped”.

The power a narcissist has over his victim is all encompassing in the adulation stage and the “hooks” created can make even the most intelligent, rational person doubt their own sanity. It is the kind of brainwashing power that, when transported onto a larger stage, powers dictatorships, sects and ideologies, like the Nazi party and Communism. For the victim, it is the start of a process that will leave them emotionally destroyed when the narcissist targets the next victim and invariably discards them.

Narcissists are very choosy. They choose their victims carefully and their choice is usually based on such things as status, wealth, influence or ability. The victims are usually attractive and popular. The more of this the victim has, the greater the value of the supply for the narcissist. Narcissists are great observers at this stage. They place their victims on a pedestal and make sure that they get everything they need in the way of care, loving and attention. They idolise, worship them and make the victim feel that they have been waiting all their life for this person to appear. The victim might actually believe that the narcissist is in love with them, but this is infatuation. The relationship moves quickly based on the promises that the narcissist makes. The victim, being so wrapped up in all the attention coming their way, happily moves along with it, not believing their luck that this person is in their life. They have fallen for the illusion created by the narcissist and it leaves them totally unprepared for what is to follow.

The adulation stage is very powerful and seductive. It is like a drug and can be described as the  “honeymoon period” times three or four. There is an old saying which is especially relevant here and one that codependents might do well to remember. That is “You learn more about a person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning” . With a narcissist, this is especially true. The adulation stage (the beginning), is an illusion, a mask, that convinces the victim that they are with someone who is capable of empathy, compassion, understanding and love. The world is totally in order and all of their needs are being catered for. Maybe for the first time in their life, they feel totally appreciated. There is more fun, sex, and connection than they have ever known before. The problem is, as they will soon find out, it is not real and reality will bite them. 

The honeymoon period under normal circumstances is difficult to navigate when it ends. It is normally driven by hormones, biology, hope and expectation. It will end (as it should) and then reality sets in. This is not necessarily negative if the couple can cope with the changes and keep level-headed about it. However, with a narcissist, it is very difficult to accept the end of such a “great” beginning where fantasy has been built.

Most of this is to do with what we term “cognitive dissonance”. This is a psychological term for when you hold two or more conflicting beliefs, attitudes or behaviour at the same time. It makes you feel uncomfortable and so you alter your behaviour to try to restore the balance. However things aren’t that easy when you’ve been involved with a narcissist. Their entire existence is fabricated around dissonance. They say one thing, do another. And so you can’t restore the balance. You loved them but now you hate what they did to you. You trusted them but know you can’t believe a word they say.

The truth that you must understand is:

It is an illusion that anyone or anything outside of you has power over you – the only reason they can have power over you is because you have unhealed parts that are allowing it.

This is the truth. Your pain and your mind attachment to the narcissist is energised and pounding because you haven’t realised that your healing is about you. It is not about the narcissist and that is the very reason you were attracted to them in the first place. The deeper parts of you that needed healing presented themselves fully to the narcissist and they took full advantage, promising you (or so you assumed) that they would finally heal you.

How can the narcissist be shut out? Firstly, understand that no-contact is essential, however painful. Close every door and don’t allow them to leave anything behind which might mean they can contact you later. Block social media (including their family and friends) and start the necessary work of healing the deeper parts of you. Realise that the narcissist is a symptom of this and not the cause and they were not the answer to your dreams but actually your worst nightmare!

By

Pardon Me

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

If your husband or wife has been unfaithful; if they have been caught in a web of addiction, you have a decision to make. Stay or leave? Your spouse’s infidelity has opened the door for you to pick Door #1 or Door #2 with a clear conscience. No one can fault you if you decide to leave.

But before you leave, consider the testimony of one woman who was betrayed by her husband. While he demonstrated remorse, completed a clinical Disclosure, passed a polygraph, and began the long journey of recovery, none of this erased the pain. His wife had every right to leave. 

But she decided to stay in the marriage. “Why don’t you leave him?” she was asked.

Her response: “I’d rather start over with someone I love than with someone I don’t know.”

The Scripture says that God “will abundantly pardon” (Isaiah 55:7). The offended spouse is under no obligation to pardon her adulterous husband. But sometimes she does offer a full pardon, starting over with someone she loves, rather than with someone she doesn’t know.

Recovery Step: If your spouse has been unfaithful, carefully and prayerfully consider your next move.

By

New Tenants

By KW

How long shall your evil thoughts lodge within you?
Jeremiah 4:14 (NKJV)

SWITCH ON YOUR BRAIN

I did a 21-Day Brain Detox Plan from Dr. Caroline Leaf’s book, Switch on Your Brain, where the reader is challenged to take one toxic thought and to then replace it with a healthy thought rooted in truth. I chose to tackle the thought, “I miss porn.” Pornography served as a counterfeit comfort blanket in my life for nearly two decades. Whenever things grew even mildly difficult, I’d run to the altar of pornography to numb any and all pain. Pornography was my drug and I learned rather quickly that choosing the road to recovery meant choosing the crushing cross of withdrawals – a painful period of time where the old fleshly appetites cry out for nourishment as the new nature is strengthened and well fed with the bread of life, God’s word. Seasons of withdrawal at times felt impossible to endure, as true freedom is often accompanied with the price tag of self-sacrifice; addiction felt easier than striving for sexual sobriety. It was only after deciding to abandon porn for good that I found myself hourly contending with the thought, “I miss porn.” Before surrendering to defeat, I reasoned I should at least complete the detox and I’m grateful I did because on Day 20, as I sat with that thought in prayer, Holy Spirit whispered this declaration of hope to my heart:

“This is your eviction notice; make way for new tenants.”

If my mind was like an apartment complex wherein there lived sexually broken images, thoughts, and desires in certain units, the Holy Spirit was inviting me as the landlord of my mind to engage in the act of mental eviction. Eviction is the legal process in which a property owner fights to take back possession of that which already belongs to him. What a parable to those of us recovering from sexual addiction. I imagine the children of Israel marching around the walls of Jericho was a sort of spiritual eviction, seeing as the land of Canaan already belonged to them. Upon their arrival to the promised land, those who remained in Canaan weren’t seen as mere tenants, but trespassers (Josh. 6); the same principle applied to my sexually broken thought-life. Very much in the spirit of eviction, God was charging me to exercise authority in taking back possession of my mind, to endure the process of eviction, and above all to embrace the newness of life.

EXERCISE AUTHORITY

Paul writes that we can take, “every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,” only the deception of my addiction was that I felt powerless and thus doomed to live the rest of my life a slave to sin. How could I possibly capture the thoughts that once held me captive for so long? Whenever the thought “I miss porn” would come knocking on the door of my heart, the terror of temptation would cancel any ounce of faith I had to actually conquer it and the more I was overcome by the power of my addiction, the less I believed in the power of God to rescue me. While on the detox, I discovered that defeat had given birth to this victim mentality I had, but to remain in self-pity was a choice – one I no longer had to make because through the grace of neuroplasticity, I had the power and authority to choose freedom. Authority is defined as one having the power to give orders, make decisions, or to enforce obedience. Addiction took away my choice, but the the Holy Spirit empowers me to choose life. There’s no denying my brain had been hijacked from the years of addiction, but the truth remained that if I sincerely wanted those thoughts gone, I had the power to evict them. Day by day I could reverse all the brain damage I’d incurred from my addiction by even replacing the thought, “I miss porn,” with, “I reject that thought.” God was asking me the question He’d posed to the children of Israel, “How long shall your evil thoughts lodge within you?” The decision was mine – to either grant those thoughts permission to stay, or to exercise authority in ordering my brain to make new and healthier decisions, while also disciplining my body in making it “my slave.”

ENDURING THE PROCESS

Most landlords agree eviction should be a last resort due to how complicated and stressful the process can be, but when a tenant refuses to leave, eviction is the only option and no matter how long the process takes, the property is eventually restored. Likewise, recovery was an excruciatingly painful process for me, having to endure the mental anguish of withdrawals, sleepless nights, countless tears and fits of depression, having rigorous accountability, and having to actually face life’s issues without escaping to porn. Much of my recovery though was hindered when I insisted there was an easier and quicker path to sobriety apart from the hard work of mind renewal. I wanted the promise of freedom without the process of cleansing. I tried implementing accountability software and putting filters on all of my electronics, and even purchased a flip phone, thinking these outer measures would evict porn. I learned that outward conformity would never produce sustainable sobriety apart from inward transformation. Every relapse and failed attempt to conquer this giant only reinforced the lie that I was forever a slave to porn. Submitting to God’s process of honesty, humility, forgiveness, counseling and support groups, while also resisting the temptation to despair and ultimately surrender to my addiction, meant the enemy had to vacate the premises of my mind – it was only a matter of time.

EMBRACING NEWNESS

There were years I couldn’t imagine my life without porn, especially when I was single. But even after I got married and had the option of engaging in healthy sexual intimacy, sex with my wife couldn’t compare with the exhilarating rush of dopamine my brain experienced while using porn; simply put, porn was “better.” I felt like the Israelites who while journeying through the wilderness started to long for their old life back in Egypt. Wilderness was painful, plus Egypt had “better food,” and even though God miraculously sent manna from heaven, the Israelites replied like I did with, “what is it?” I had developed such a strong bond with computer screens using porn, that learning how to connect with a real human was quite the challenge. I discovered porn wasn’t more fulfilling than sex but more familiar; sex in marriage wasn’t negative, just new. However, embracing Christ means embracing newness, which is a nice sentiment in theory, but the reality of newness in Christ requires nothing less than the death to self and the old man. Romans 6:4 says we’re, “buried with Him through baptism into His death, in order that just as Christ was raised from the dead, we also might walk in the newness of life.” I found addiction most predictable – an endless cycle of hope, effort, defeat, and shame. There was nothing new about a relapse, only I was getting older. Addiction had become my identity and the toxic thoughts attached to my negative self-perception outnumbered God’s thoughts about me without rival. Even more than newness in sexuality, embracing the truth that, “sin no longer had dominion over me,” and that a life of freedom from porn was actually attainable proved most difficult. Walking by sight was easy; embracing a reality that I couldn’t yet see was new.

NEW TENANTS

When I started the 21-Day Brain Detox, I was convinced that the only tenant in need of evicting was porn, but sexual brokenness doesn’t fly solo. Evicting porn from my life made space for Christ to enter my heart and mind with the light of His love, illuminating all the other toxic tenants in need of evicting like self-loathing, shame, insecurity, pride, comparison, and unforgiveness to name a few. By God’s grace, I can now testify that the old tenants that once dominated my mind have now been permanently replaced by the new tenants of power, love, and a sound mind. I confess that the old thoughts occasionally knock on the door of my heart, trying to intimidate me with the fear of relapse, but sin isn’t the only knock at the door. If you’re reading these words feeling overwhelmed by the taunting knocks of sin and temptation at your mind’s door, hear the words of Revelation 3:20, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” Will you invite Christ to be your new tenant?