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A Letter to Dad (From a Girl that Got Trapped by Pornography)

Originally posted on http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/08/03/for-women-who-struggle

A Letter to Dad (From a Girl Who Got Trapped by Pornography)

Posted on August 3, 2012 by Guest Author

by Jessica Harris

I don’t blame him anymore; for a while, I did. He left, so it was easy to pin everything on him. My anger, insecurity and porn addiction could be traced back to one man—the man who left this daddy’s girl without a dad. The years have helped me see my choices are my own, just as his were his own. But things might have been different if he had never left.

I thought I was fine without a dad, but five years ago, God brought a ‘second dad’ into my life. This man and his wife took me into their hearts as one of their own. He avidly pursued my healing and restoration. Having gone through that experience, I think I speak for every daughter when I say, “Dad, we need you.”

There is something unique and incredibly powerful about the love between a father and daughter. When I talk with women who struggle with pornography, or even women in the porn industry, many (though not all) speak of having an absent father. It was not always divorce or a single-parent home. Sometimes dad was there but just not involved—too wrapped up in his job or even his ministry to take the time needed to nurture his daughter’s heart.

If a dad is disconnected, it leaves that little girl searching to fill that void. Yes, we could turn to God, but in a society full of sexed-up men and empowered women, it is far easier to run to lust. It is not enough to simply live in the same house. Your daughter needs your presence more than she needs you present.

So, how can you protect her from pornography and lust in a world that is out to conquer, destroy and use her?

Be a living reflection of God’s heart

Be…

Godly. You are her gateway to understanding God as a Heavenly Father. The way you treat her colors her view of how God views her. Paint the clearest picture of Him that you can. Hint: you’ll probably need His help.

Overtly-Protective. Overtly means to be obvious. Think of it as mirroring God’s jealous love. She is your daughter; protect her and be obvious about it. Yes, guard what she sees on TV, what she does on her phone or on the computer, but also protect her heart.

Determined. Your daughter is living in the middle of a world that is determined to get her. There are men in her life determined to wear down on her morality. There are women in her life determined to stretch her boundaries. Sin is actively pursuing your daughter’s heart. You need to be purposeful in keeping it.

Sexually pure. By all means, love your wife; the world needs good godly marriages, but please, ditch the porn. Boys will not be boys, and it is not OK. If you view women as objects for your desire, that is how you will treat them. You cannot protect her from pornography and lust if you are the one letting it into the house.

Her Hero. When’s the last time you rescued her? This is a lot easier to do with younger girls. All it takes is a cardboard sword to be her knight in shining armor. When they get older, it involves changing a flat in the pouring rain or purposefully rescuing her from a bad day at work. She needs to know you are there for her and that she matters to you.

Engaged. It’s not being nosy; it’s love. Know what’s going on in her life. Put away the laptop, ministry notes, office transcripts, tool box, golf clubs, and hunting gear long enough to know your daughter. Know what she knows. Know her friends and be aware of situations where temptation may come.

Approachable. What if she messes up, dad? Are you someone she is comfortable approaching or would you fly off the handle? If she is afraid to ask for help, she will retreat and often turn to things like fantasy or erotica in order to escape. Be approachable; pray with her. Show her what it looks like to turn to God in our times of need, because He is always approachable.

Real. This may seem bizarre but porn offers false connections—a false reality. Porn is full of ‘perfect people.’ She needs real people, not perfect people. My friend Matt Fradd just released a DVD on being a real man. Real men do not necessarily cry, and they do not actually have to wear pink. Real men love the Lord and embrace His calling on their lives. They experience failure, joy, pain, sorrow, victory, loss, hope—humanity. Let her see how you handle the reality of life.

The man you want her to marry. Many of you just cracked out the shotgun and said, “No one is coming anywhere near my baby girl!” Chances are some man will win her heart. Whether good or bad, she will likely end up marrying someone like you. Be the kind of man you want her to marry.

It isn’t a foolproof formula, because we live in a fallen world. There are women who have fallen to porn while growing up in great Christian homes with a loving Christian father. They fell just because. ‘Just because’ does not happen much, but if ‘just because’ does happen, you want to be the father that can help rescue his little girl from pornography. Do not give up on her, Dad. Do not ever believe that she is in the clear. Never walk away. As long as she is your little girl, she is going to need you.

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A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction

A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction
by Michael John Cusick
Posted: 09/21/2012  7:16 am

I’ve been counseling men with pornography and sex addictions for more than 20 years. Before that, I was one of them.

In my line of work, barely a day goes by that I don’t hear a story about a man or woman who has lost something dear — their marriage, family relationships, job, ministry, reputation, self-respect — because of pornography. Of course, when we experience such loss, it also affects spouses, children, friends, congregations and communities. Everyone loses when it comes to porn.

It’s tempting to think that there’s nothing wrong with a porn habit — that no one gets hurt. We think we’re protecting our spouse by not telling them. We think we’re providing ourselves with a respite from a stressful day. No matter how we justify or rationalize it, in two decades of counseling, not one (person) has told me that pornography made them a better husband, wife, father, parent, employee or friend.

My own addiction to porn and illicit sex began in high school, and held me firmly in its grip for decades. No matter how close I came to getting caught, I always managed to jump in the manure and come out smelling like a rose. While working in church ministry in my mid-20s, my addiction was nearly exposed in a newspaper story about a raid on an escort service. But even that didn’t lead to change. I might stop for a time, vow to mend my ways, tear up my porn magazines, but eventually the insatiable urge would return.

On a cold winter night in 1994, obsessed with my next fix, I began my typical ritual of acting out sexually. I sat in a familiar parking lot of a XXX bookstore, unusually troubled by the routine I was about to perform even though I had carried it out too many times to count. I had a beautiful wife at home, but she was the last thing on my mind.

Less than a block from the porn shop sat a century-old cathedral. Without warning, an impulse to set foot in that house of worship overwhelmed me. I walked toward the edifice, hiked the tall steps and opened the monolithic oak doors.  I sat in the back row of pews. The silence was terrifying. In that space, I reconnected with something I had lost — my true self. The part of me that wanted more than compulsion, shame and despair.

That evening was the beginning of the end. Only a few months later, my wife caught me in a lie, and my double life was completely exposed. It was the worst day of my life. The truth of my actions unleashed a tsunami of pain and betrayal upon her. She was in shock, confused and angry. I slept on the floor that night — and many nights following — as she cried herself to sleep behind a locked bedroom door.

It was also the best day of my life. Though I was shattered, it was the day I finally understood Jesus’ words recorded in the gospel of John: the truth shall set you free. With nothing to hide anymore, my failure, infidelity and brokenness became a life preserver lifting me out of an ocean of shame and isolation onto the solid ground of recovery and healing.

Eighteen years later, my greatest failure has become my greatest gift. I am married to the same woman and today we enjoy a life I couldn’t have imagined.

My message to those who are in the snares of sexual compulsion is two-fold. First, you can be free and whole. Trying to manage and white knuckle this issue is not as good as it gets. Others have walked a trusted path to healing and recovery, you can too. Start by deciding you will come out of the shadows and into the light. Talk with a friend, professional counselor or Twelve-Step Group like Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Second, sexual compulsions are not actually about sex. Almost a century ago, G.K. Chesterton wrote that the man who knocks on the brothel door is knocking for God. If he were writing today, he might say that the man who surfs online for porn is surfing for God. Consider what the Apostle Paul wrote in Corinthians that “sex is more than mere skin on skin. It is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact” (1 Corinthians 6:16, MSG).

Beyond bodies seeking and experiencing sexual pleasure, all of us reach toward some spiritual mystery we cannot see, touch or comprehend physically. Maybe this is why we describe great sex as “spiritual” and utter “Oh God!” during climax. To deny the spiritual hunger hidden within the sexual impulse is to set ourselves up for a never-ending cycle that only leads to desperation, despair and bondage.

God is not mad at you if you are struggling with sexual compulsion. In fact, that secret, hidden place of your greatest struggle, failure or shame is exactly where God wants to meet you and give you a great gift. I should know. It happened to me.

Michael John Cusick is the author of “Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle” (Thomas Nelson, Inc.). An ordained minister, spiritual director and Licensed Professional Counselor, he is the founder of Restoring the Soul, a ministry providing soul care to Christian leaders. Michael currently serves as an adjunct professor at Denver Seminary. He holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Colorado Christian University and an M.A. from the College of Education at the University of Denver. Michael lives with his wife, Julianne, and two children, in Littleton, Colorado.

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Internalizing Serenity

by AR, aka Llama Boy

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Sexual addiction is a common source of instability in many aspects of our lives, and in all honesty, it’s mostly self-inflicted chaos that we are dealing with. Due to our unhealthy mechanisms of dealing with our emotions, we create these problems that we find ourselves in situations having to perpetuate the cycle of lying, deceit, and immoral sexual activity.

In this article, we’re going to take the Serenity Prayer, move it past the realm of recitation in the beginning of a support meeting, and into internalizing it into our daily lives. We’re going to do this but breaking it down into three separate parts.

  1. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

This is where most addicts get stuck. While we are in a spiral out of control, we cannot seem to accept or even discern what we cannot change. It’s when we refuse to accept the reality of what we are facing that we then act out of our emotions irrationally trying to control a situation that is most certainly out of our hands. If we can begin to have the awareness to identify what we can’t control, we can begin to lessen the effects of uncontrollable circumstances on our well being. Here are a few examples of things we cannot control, but are not limited to these things:

  • Our spouses emotions.
  • Our children’s decisions.
  • The perception others have of us.
  • The expectations we have from our employers.
  • Friends backstabbing us.
  • Decisions that are made without our consultation.

This list can be used as a simple tool to help get your mind to start discerning between what isn’t in your control.

  • “The courage to change the things that I can.”

I believe this is the easiest part of recovery, but it’s made to be more complex because of our justification of our poor behaviors. It’s safe to say that if we made the right decisions in our lives, that we wouldn’t find ourselves in situations having to lie or cover up any of our habits. If we had just faced the addiction head on from the beginning, we could have saved ourselves from having to do the work of restoration and mending relationships that we so badly damaged. All it takes is courage. All it takes seeing past the fear the enemy clouds our judgment with and taking action. When Moses sent men to scout the land of Canaan, the men came back paralyzed by the fear of what they thought would happen, that it stopped them from entering into God’s promised land. We must not use the term “powerless to our addiction” as a crutch to not take appropriate action in situations we clearly have control over. How often do we find ourselves not having the courage because of fear of rejection? Or punishment?

Here is a list of things that we can change, and all we need is the courage to do so:

  • Our lies. We can choose to tell the truth.
  • The way we react to negative or uncomfortable situations.
  • Shutting off the device because we’re so tempted by pornography.
  • The words we choose to say to others, and how we tolerate their behavior.
  • We control our boundaries and how we uphold those boundaries.
  • Asking for help when we find ourselves slip or relapse into inner circle behaviors.
  • Relying on God. Which seems to be easier said than done, but we fully control the amount of dependence we have on Him.

A friend of mine shared these wise words to me, “It’s not about what you did or didn’t do in the past. It’s all about what you’re going to do next.” That should be the framework of how we approach courage to change things that we can.

  • “The wisdom to know the difference.”

This part of the prayer is my favorite part. It shows our willingness to allow God to hold a mirror to our character and become so self aware of what we can and cannot control in our lives. It’s submitting to God that we are beings given the freedom to choose what we will do with the life He gave us. We must learn to accept this wisdom by working the steps and digging deep into the layers of who we are to understand ourselves better. The more we become self aware, the more we can live in a state of serenity where we can accept uncontrollable situations and choose to respond to it in healthy ways that are constructive to those around us, healthy to ourselves, and most importantly honoring to God.

My hope is that we learn to take hold of the power behind the Serenity Prayer in our daily lives. Through the Serenity Prayer, we can live peacefully in the present moment, not anxiously in the future, or regrettably in the past.

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 4

(Originally posted in 2012)

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3, I went further “down the scale” of sexual purity and looked at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.  In Part 4, I address the topic question and also address the partners of men who struggle with sexual purity issues.

Question:  Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery, Is it for you?

Answer: ABSOLUTELY!

Regardless of what stage of sexual impurity you might be in as a man, entering a proper support program is essential!

FOR THE WIVES/PARTNERS:

Question: Does my husband/partner struggle with sexual purity issues?

Answer: As a man, there is a strong possibility he does.

Remember the therapist joke in Part 1?  “80% of men struggle with some sort of sexual purity issue and the 20% that say they do not, are lying.” There is a lot of truth to this “joke.”

In today’s sex-charged culture, more and more men are being tempted sexually.  Next time you are at the grocery store, look at the cover or inside the magazines marketed toward men.  Watch a sporting event on TV and you can see how advertisers “know” how to grab a man’s attention! How about the increase in “Sports Bars & Grills” where waitresses wear skimpy outfits?  Who do you think is their target market group? (And men, these types of restaurants are NOT ok.  If you visit one of these restaurants, it had better be your wife’s choice and you better be facing out the window!)    The objectification of women has been normalized in our culture!

Please understand, however, that the amount of sexual purity with which your husband will struggle will vary.  It may only be a struggle with lustful thoughts and fantasies, but it could also be a lot more.  The key is, to allow your husband to seek support for any sexual purity issues he may have in his life.  If he only struggles with “minor” lustful thoughts and actions, it is imperative that he begin receiving support before he moves on to another level of sexual purity struggle!  If he struggles with more, he will find the help and support he needs to become courageous enough to step out of the shadows and into the light.

Ladies, DO NOT shame your husband because he is seeking help with his sexual purity struggles!  It takes a lot more courage to open up and say, “I might have a problem” than to keep it a secret and act as if nothing is wrong.

Ladies, ask your husband if he struggles with any type of sexual purity.  His answer, at a minimum, better be “sometimes or once in a while” even if he does not look at pornography or has had sex outside the marriage!  If he responds, “NO or Not at all” then he is not being truly honest.  And yes, having lustful thoughts is considered a sexual purity struggle.

Ladies, be open and honest about sexuality with your husband.  Don’t shame him for wanting to be sexual with you (and husbands, don’t shame your wife because she doesn’t).  Open a dialog about both of your thoughts and feelings on sex within the marriage.  If there are extreme differences, then a third party (such as a pastor or counselor) should be brought in to mediate, ascertain, and give godly advice to both of you.

Ladies, if your husband plans to attend a Castimonia meeting, DO NOT assume he is visiting sexually oriented businesses, viewing pornography, masturbating, having an affair, or is a “Sex Addict.”  Understand that Castimonia meetings are for any man that struggles with any type of sexual purity!  You, the wife, should encourage your husband to attend.

At Castimonia meetings we learn tools that help us combat sexual purity issues.  We learn about what real intimacy is between a husband and wife – not just physical, but, more importantly, emotional and spiritual intimacy.   We learn to be open, honest, and intimate with other men and use these men to support us in our battle against sexual temptation and sexual impurity.  We learn to be a “team” of warriors and not isolate ourselves.  This is where the enemy wants us; alone!

So next time a Castimonia meeting is being held, wives, you need ask your husband, if they have not attended, why they are NOT going to the meeting.  Encourage them to reject passivity on the subject of sexual purity and seek to be the sexually pure men that God wants them to be.  Encourage them to lead courageously and be the spiritual leaders of your household as well as have the courage to speak to your children now or in the future about healthy sexuality.   And encourage them to learn how to be truly intimate and love you in ways that are healthy!