pornography

By Dr. Eddie Capparucci

The Inner Child is a metaphor representing all of the emotional, mental, and relational pain you experienced in your younger years—pain that was never fully processed or resolved.

For some, the wounds were carved in childhood by peers who dismissed their worth or acted as if they were invisible. For others, it was parents whose absence was not physical but emotional—cold, critical, or outright cruel. Some grew up under the shadow of constant comparison, always measured against someone else and found lacking. Others bore a visible difference—a disability or physical deformity—that drew stares like spotlights, or they weathered the steady sting of relentless teasing from other children.

Whatever the source, these experiences shaped the way you learned to view yourself, others, and the world. They also shaped the defensive mechanisms and behaviors you created to help cope with the emotional discomfort and pain.

The Missing Guide in Childhood

In a healthy environment, a children faced with painful experiences has access to a safe, empathetic adults who can walk them through the confusion:

Validate their feelings: “I can see why that hurt you. It makes sense you feel that way.”
Provide perspective: “What happened doesn’t define who you are.”
Model emotional regulation: “Let’s take a deep breath and talk about what we can do next.”

But for many of us, that adult was absent—or unable to provide the needed guidance. Instead, we were left to navigate emotional turmoil on our own.

When you are young, you do not have the emotional toolkit to process shame, fear, rejection, or confusion. So you improvise. And the most common coping strategy children adopt is simple: “I won’t think about it.”

Avoidance as Survival

The quickest way to ‘not think about it’ is to distract yourself. As children, we used what was available to accomplish this task:

Watching endless hours of television
Losing ourselves in books, games, or hobbies
Eating comfort foods loaded with sugar
Overinvolvement in sports or schoolwork
Engagement in continuous fantasy

As they grew older, their distractions became more sophisticated—and more destructive: excessive work, alcohol, pornography, sexual acting out, gambling, compulsive exercise, abusing food, and endlessly scrolling the internet.

In Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction, I explain how these behaviors were never truly about chasing pleasure. They were about escape. They were our way of anesthetizing emotions we did not know how to face.

But the problem with burying pain is that it does not go away—it waits. And in adulthood, it surfaces when we feel vulnerable, criticized, or rejected — to name a few.

Why Betrayers Struggle to Respond with Empathy

This is why so many men who have betrayed their partners find it difficult to respond with compassion when their spouse voices fear or concern. To the betrayed partner, expressing concern is an attempt to understand and ultimately to restore safety:

“I don’t understand why you did this to me and I no longer feel safe. My life has been destroyed. Why can’t you listen to my cries of help?!”

But to the man whose Inner Child is still unhealed, that concern is filtered through years of past rejection and criticism: “She’s shaming me… she thinks I’m bad… she will never love me again!”

The result of his child-like sensitivity? Defensiveness. Withdrawal. Anger. And ultimately, another painful disconnection and more frustration for both parties.

A Real-Life Example

Wife: “You were talking to Denise across the street today for quite a while, and it made me nervous. You promised to stay away from her after she was flirting with you at the neighborhood picnic last summer. Why did you do that?”

Husband: “She called me over to discuss some changes at the middle school she’s unhappy with and wanted my opinion. It was harmless—nothing for you to worry about.”

Wife: “What do you mean ‘nothing for me to worry about’? Like I shouldn’t have worried when she was flirting with you?”

Husband: “Why am I the bad guy here? I didn’t do anything wrong. You’re always looking to blame me for everything that troubles you. When are you going to get over this?”

In this exchange, her concern—rooted in past hurt—was perceived by him as an attack. His Inner Child’s hypersensitivity kicked in, and the adult part of him lost control of the conversation. This must change if men are to improve in helping their partners in the healing process.

The Inner Child’s Hypersensitivity

In my book Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots, I talk about how unhealed childhood wounds cause men to misinterpret their partner’s attempts at emotional connection as personal attacks. This is especially true for men who grew up receiving much criticism and little praise.

Today, his Inner Child operates from a survival mindset:

Criticism means danger (because as a child, criticism may have been shaming, harsh, or relentless).
Disagreement means rejection (because love felt conditional).
Being questioned means you are in trouble (because authority figures punished rather than guided).

When you allow yourself to sink into this mindset, your autonomic nervous system fires off as if you are under siege—even when your partner’s words are simply a cry of hurt, not an attack. In that moment, you stop listening and start defending, and nothing healthy can grow in that space.

Being emotional regulated is not an optional behavior—it is mandatory. It is the foundation of your character. If you are serious about growth, you must master it. Without emotional regulation, you will keep recycling the same reactive patterns that sabotage trust and intimacy. But with it, you can finally approach every conversation—not as a wounded child guarding old scars—but as a grounded, mature adult capable of hearing truth, owning your part, and building connection even in discomfort.

How to Reclaim the Conversation

The good news is that this child-like hypersensitivity can be managed and healed. But it requires intentional Inner Child work. Here is the process I guide men through:

1. Recognize the Triggers

Learn to notice the mental, emotional, and physical signs that your Inner Child is taking over—a negative shift in your emotional state, intrusive and troubling thoughts, tight chest, rapid heartbeat, feeling insulted or dismissed, or the urge to ‘explain away’ your partner’s feelings. You can learn your core emotional triggers by reading, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction. Group and workshops are also available. Email me at innerchildmodel@gmail.com for more information.

2. Slow Everything Down

Instead of reacting immediately, some a moment or two taking some deep breathes. Give yourself a moment to shift from the child’s survival brain to the adult’s thinking brain. Make very attempt to stay in your window of tolerance so you can engage in healthy conversations. This is something you should be proactively practicing daily. Email me for a list of 20 emotional regulation techniques that will assist you.

3. Separate Past from Present

Ask yourself: Am I reacting so strongly to what’s happening now? Who else from my past is in the room with us?” These simple questions not only create a mental gap that helps you respond more thoughtfully, but they also ground you to understand what is occurring at the moment, is very different than what happened to you as a child. In the past, people most likely were insensitive in their behaviors toward you. Today, your partner is responding out of hurt.

4. Choose Empathy Over Ego

Remind yourself: “My partner’s feelings are real and valid, even if they are uncomfortable for me to hear. This is not about proving I’m innocent—it’s about helping her feel safe.” This is a mature approach to take toward her pain and besides, it is the least she deserves from you. Put your discomfort on the back burner and focus on her distress.

5. Lead the Inner Child

In Going Deeper, I teach men to picture their Inner Child and say internally: “I hear your fear, but I’ve got this now. You’re safe.” That is all your Inner Child needs to hear, that an adult is there to handle the situation and he does not need to. This also allows your adult self to stay present and effectively engaged in the conversation.

Why This Is Worth the Effort

When you respond to your partner’s fears without defensiveness, you communicate one powerful truth, “Your pain matters to me more than my comfort.”

This kind of consistent, empathetic response is what slowly rebuilds trust after betrayal. And it is also what begins to heal the lonely, frightened boy inside you who has been running the show for far too long.

Your Inner Child is not your enemy. He is a wounded part of you, still trying to protect himself the only way he knows how—by escaping and shutting down conflict. But you are no longer that powerless child, instead you are a grown man capable of leading with strength, humility, compassion, and love.

It Takes Effort

If you do not take the time to identify, understand, and lead your Inner Child, he will keep hijacking your marriage. But if you do the work—if you slow down, listen, and guide him—it will not only heal your relationship, but it will give that little boy the safe, loving leader he always needed.

Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating addictive behaviors. He is the author of numerous books including: Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction and Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots

originally posted at: https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/apostle-pauls-secret-fighting-sexual-sin/

Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Your Brain on Porn and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

Hugh Hefner didn’t invent sexual sin. It is a problem that has been around since our ancestors walked east of Eden, and it will be around until the new Jerusalem descends upon us. The good news is that the Bible promises that we can experience foretastes of that coming freedom in the here and now. But how?

The Apostle Paul commands the Christians in Colossae, “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Colossians 3:5). But how do we do this? If we rip this verse away from the letter, we’re likely to apply it the wrong way, so we need to look closely to understand what Paul is talking about.

1. Fighting Sexual Sin Is Not About “Do More, Try Harder”

A dangerous philosophy was circulating in the church at Colossae. It was championing asceticism: If you want to remain pure, then separate yourself from the pleasures of the body that are so often a source of temptation. This philosophy said if you really want the fullness of divine life within you, then insulate your life.

But Paul delivers a crushing blow to this philosophy:

“If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations—“Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch” (referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh” (Colossians 2:20-23).

No value. That is Paul’s verdict on asceticism. It simply doesn’t work. Yes, there is a grain of truth in the philosophy—all popular philosophies contain at least some wisdom in them. If you are tempted to sin sexually, then it makes sense to get away from sexual temptations. This will keep sin at bay—but ultimately the flesh remains unsatiated.

This false philosophy is still circulating in the church today. When the best advice we can give people is better filters, cold showers, more hours in prayer, and trying harder, we have given into this philosophy that Paul says is of no value.

This false philosophy either totally underestimates the power of sin or sets the benchmark of holiness too low. It either doesn’t get just how ingrained sexual sin is in us or thinks that merely getting rid of outward, blatant sexual sin is the goal. Neither is accurate.

Related: How to Be Free From Sin–The Higher Law Than “Try Harder”

2. Fighting Sexual Sin Starts With a New Identity

Paul offers his readers another approach to fighting sin, and it starts with these core identity statements:

• “With Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world” (2:20).
• “You have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God” (3:3).
• “You have been raised with Christ” (3:1).
• “You were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead” (2:12).
• “You have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self” (3:9-10).
• “The riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory” (1:27).

This is where a lot of modern readers check out. “Don’t give me these abstract theological ideas. I need something practical,” they think. But for Paul, there was nothing more practical, nothing more life-changing, than these ideas.

We are united to the risen Christ by faith. His resurrection life flows in our veins now. The Spirit of the living Christ lives inside us, so we no longer belong to this world and the rules it plays by—we belong to Christ and the age to come. In order to have the power to fight lust, we first have to understand this: we no longer belong to sin. We belong to God who has accepted us and forgiven us, not because we purified ourselves first, but because we are united by faith to the Pure One, Jesus Christ.

[Tweet “In order to fight lust, we must understand that we no longer belong to lust.”]

3. Fighting Sexual Sin Continues by Kindling New Desires

Knowing we are united to the living Christ, Paul writes, “Seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth” (3:1-2). The terms Paul uses here mean to center one’s interests, focus, and passions on something—to savor something. Now that God has united us to the risen Christ, we savor that reality, and this kindles new desires in us that displace a desire for sin.

What are these “things” above that we should savor?

• First, we are to savor Christ himself. This is one of the reasons why Paul spills a lot of ink in this letter describing who Christ is. He is the beloved Son of God (1:13), the image of the invisible God (1:15), creator and sustainer of all things (1:16-17), the one whose blood reconciles us to the Father (1:20), the firstborn from the dead (1:18), and the one seated at God’s right hand (3:1). In him all the riches of wisdom and knowledge are hidden (2:3). The fullness of deity dwells in Him (1:19; 2:9).
• Second, we are to savor our new position before God. Christ is seated at God’s right hand and we are seated with Him (Ephesians 2:6). To be seated at a ruler’s right hand meant to be in the position of greatest authority, honor, and delight. Because Christ is in us, we share in the favor He has with the Father.
• Third, we are to savor the hope that someday we will see and experience these realities. Someday, Christ Himself will appear and we will appear with Him in glory (1:4). It is our destiny to be like the holy, pure Son of God. Some day our eyes will see the one who died for us and rose again, the one who is God in the flesh, and God will honor us as his royal children before every creature, every human soul, and every angelic being in the universe.

How does this practically help us to fight sexual sin? The reason why sexual sin can have such a grip on us is because of its power to define us and what is most valuable, how sexual pleasure makes us feel about ourselves. Sexual fantasy, pornography, or pursuing illicit sex makes us feel desired; it makes us feel valued and validated; it gives us a refuge; it gives us connection; it can even make us feel powerful. This is why setting our affections on things above is so important: It gives us a new center to our lives and gives us a completely new sense of value—not based on our worthiness but based on the love God has for Christ that overflows to us.

Related: What Is the Difference Between “Liking” and “Wanting” Porn?

4. Fighting Sexual Sin Is About Fighting for Our New Desires

Finally, we come to Colossians 3:5, “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”

Paul here is not endorsing asceticism—something he has already refuted. Asceticism is about fighting to get rid of something we think is unholy, but mortifying sin is about fighting for the new affections that God is giving to us.

We can construct helpful boundaries in our lives that keep sexual sin out of reach, but we should do so by standing on our identity as God’s beloved children and standing satisfied in Christ and God’s love. When sexual temptation comes knocking, we can say to it, “No, sin. That’s not who I am anymore. You do not define what life is to me anymore. You do not define me anymore. Christ is in me. I am a child of the king, and one day the whole world will know it.”

5. Fighting Sexual Sin Is Sustained by Relationships That Remind Us of Our New Identity

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God” (Colossians 3:16).

This is the essence of real accountability in the body of Christ. Yes, accountability involves confessing our temptations, sins, and the state of our hearts, but it also involves godly encouragement. Accountability is not just about someone calling you out on your sin, but someone calling you up to the person you already are in Christ. Accountability is about surrounding yourself with the kind of Christian friendships that teach and admonish you, that inspire thankfulness, and that help us unpack all the wisdom contained in the great mystery that Paul called “Christ in us, the hope of glory” (1:27).

Accountability is like stoking the embers of a fire. It does not add energy to the embers. It only exposes those embers to the air so new reactions can happen. When we engage in the disciplines of confession, encouragement, and mutual prayer, we expose our souls again to the life-changing gospel, and God’s power is released again and again.