CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

pornography

By

Dear Woman: Use Your Story to Find Freedom from Porn

Originally posted at: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2021/02/15/dear-woman-use-your-story-to-find-freedom-from-porn

You’re trying to change. Really, you are. You’ve decided to quit using porn and stop engaging in the other unwanted sexual behaviors that often accompany it. You’ve gritted your teeth, clenched your fists, and determined to try harder. You might have even put Covenant Eyes on all of your devices.

You’re a strong woman; you can do this!

But as helpful as those things are, how long will you be able to do this using sheer willpower?

Look Under the Surface

The old brain pathways developed as a result of your past behaviors and ways of thinking are strong. And compared to them, you’re not feeling strong at all. You may have found yourself slipping back into old behaviors again and again. Or perhaps you’re feeling tired of trying so hard. And if you slip, the result is always the same: a brief moment of satisfaction­, and then shame, guilt, and feeling defeated.

It can feel overwhelming and hopeless.

Doing the work, making the decision, and exerting 100% of your effort to quit and stay sober from porn is so important. Tools like Covenant Eyes are pricelessly helpful. You cannot become free by going half-way. This is not playing games; you’ve got to go all in.

But such effort by itself will, at best, only leave you worn out and empty. There are things under the surface of your heart as a woman that will sabotage your recovery, freedom, and restoration unless they are dealt with.

Perhaps you’re successfully remaining clean and sober over a long period of time, but something in your soul feels hungry, empty, unsettled. You’re wondering if this struggle is worth it. Or perhaps you’re frustrated at what seems like your inability to remain free for any significant length of time and wonder what else you should be doing.

Let me invite you to look under the surface, to look past the behaviors, and look at your heart.

What’s Unique About a Woman’s Heart

A woman’s heart is a beautiful and priceless thing. John and Stasi Eldredge describe who a woman is meant to be:

“A woman who at her core was made for romance, made to play an irreplaceable role in a shared adventure, and who really does possess a beauty all her own to unveil. The woman God had in mind when he made Eve . . . and when he made you. Glorious, powerful, and captivating.” [1]

How do you feel even reading those few sentences? It’s likely you feel anything but glorious, powerful, and captivating. That certainly could not be you!

But it is. The core of who you are as a woman is a large part of why evil has worked so intensely to distract, mar, corrupt, damage, and enslave you. It also speaks to the very reasons you keep being drawn to porn.

Related: Shame Doesn’t Know You: Ending the Life Sentence

Since the days when you were a child, something inside of you has longed for that glory—to be desired, known, connected, filled, needed, cherished, loved, honored. At its root, the pull of porn (or any other addiction) begins by appealing to something related to that inner longing.

And once you’re hooked, the message played to your heart is that your very inner desire is too dark to even look at. The best you can hope for is to anesthetize your soul. And porn is a perfectly engaging and available way to do just that.

What IS Under the Surface?

It can be scary to look under the surface of your life, your heart. But this I know; you did not wake up one morning and decide, “I’m going to mess up the rest of my life and relationships by getting hooked on porn.” Something happened to you. That “something” involves stuff that others or circumstances did to you, and also stuff you did to yourself.

Most of the time it’s difficult and perhaps impossible to truly differentiate between what others did to you and what you did to yourself. But Jesus is not nearly as concerned with apportioning out blame as He is with inviting you into a journey of healing and transformation.

And the only way to get there is to deal with what’s under the surface.

Dealing with what’s under the surface is a powerful and necessary dimension of finding and living in freedom. Bringing your stuff into the light disinfects the shame and loosens the chains that bind you to your past. When you feel stuck in darkness that may seem difficult to believe, but I challenge you to give it a try.

You were sexually formed long before you ever realized that’s what was happening to you. You picked up the attitudes and behaviors you saw modeled in your family of origin—beliefs and ways of being around family, intimacy, relationships, sex, womanhood, and a whole lot more. You were almost certainly sexually harmed, perhaps repeatedly and in many ways. Traumas you experienced—sexually-related and otherwise—led you to self-protect and self-soothe just to survive.

Your Story Has an Impact

And then there’s the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy that God made you with. That’s part of how you are created in the image of God. The stuff that happened to you, and your porn use in response, are in part an attempt to meet that legitimate need in your soul. The desperate and damaging ways you’ve tried to meet that need have not changed that core part of who you are—as a woman.

It may be that reading this stirs up some deep things in your memory and in your soul; it’s intended to. But you may be tempted to think, “What happened to me wasn’t really that important. It wasn’t that big a deal.” However outwardly “small” what happened to you may seem, it’s not the event(s) themselves that is the point; it’s the impact they had and continue to have on your heart. And that’s always a big deal.

Or you might be tempted to think, “What happened to me was too horrible to address. I’ll be swallowed up and never get past it. Anesthetizing myself is the only choice I have.” Let me encourage you to suspend disbelief and borrow hope from others for a time if you need to. This is for you too! The freedom, joy, and restoration that will come as a result of dealing with your story will be more than worth the difficulty of doing so.

Your story is unique, and it matters.

A Framework for Dealing With What’s Under the Surface

Dealing with what’s under the surface in your heart is not a one-moment thing. You didn’t get here in a day, and you won’t experience the full and complete restoration Jesus has available for you in a day. This is a journey and one that’s worth taking.

Three important steps will need to be incorporated into your journey.

1. Own Your Story

Owning your story may seem daunting. If so, it may be important for you to seek some help from a counselor or therapist skilled in helping you walk such a journey. Regardless of whether you do this alone or with some professional help, it will become such an important part of you finding wholeness.

It will help to write out your sexual story, either as a timeline of significant events, or a narrative in whatever way your mind remembers. Get to know the younger parts of you; it’s common through trauma for such younger parts of you to become disengaged from your adult self. Many find journaling a useful way to “go there.”

The events that happened are important, but even more important is the impact they had on your soul. As you explore your story don’t only think of external facts; also look for elements such as rejection, exploitation, anger, loss, confusion, shame, isolation, or other heart-wounds. And what beliefs did you develop about yourself, about others, about the world, or about God as a result?

Related: Porn Was My Sex Education: Joy Skarka’s Story

The purpose of exploring your story is not to wallow in darkness, but to understand how you came to be who you are now—and to bring that into the light. This is not about making value judgments or assigning blame; it’s about looking at reality.

And then it’s about owning your reality. “This is me. This happened to me. This is how I responded. And this is how I have been impacted as a result.”

Owning your story is an important step, but it’s just one step in the process of finding restoration. There’s more.

2. Share Your Story

Your story deserves to be shared. There’s something immensely powerful and liberating about sharing your story with a safe person(s). Even if you’ve explored your story on your own, sharing your story will disinfect the shame and open the door to immense freedom and healing.

But don’t just share your story with anyone. Think of it as a priceless treasure; choose carefully and prayerfully who is safe enough to entrust with your story. You’re looking for a person or a few persons who can listen and be there with you in your story, without offering magic fixes or minimizing what you’ve experienced.

You might share your story with a counselor or therapist, with a safe ally, or with a small group of girlfriends who are also walking a journey of restoration. You may find it helpful to share a small part of your story first and assess how the other person responds before deciding to share more.

In the thousands of people I’ve talked with, this is one of the steps they find most challenging, but one that usually ends up bringing the greatest amount of freedom. You’ll probably resist the idea of sharing your story, but I encourage you to find a way to do so. It will be worth it.

3. Invite Jesus Into Your Story

Healing and transformation come from Jesus. Behavior change—ending your porn use or other unwanted and damaging sexual behavior—has real value, but that in itself doesn’t fix you. Only Jesus can do that, and He wants to!

Invite Jesus to go with you into your story. One by one, imagine yourself back at those important moments in your story, the ones you now see as having been part of shaping who you are. Imagine Jesus being right there with you. Invite Him to actually be present with you in that moment.

See Him right there with you. How close is He to you? What is the look on His face? Is He saying anything to you?

As you allow Jesus to be with you in your story, it will be changed, and you will be changed. You may need to come back to your story repeatedly, inviting Jesus into each part. Take your time. This is important and often challenging work. Journaling as you do this will often be super helpful.

Regardless of how “bad” your story has been, it will lose its sting. You will be able to remember the events, but they will no longer have power over you. And that is wonderful freedom!

Dealing With Your Story Brings Freedom

As you experience the freedom that comes through dealing with what’s under the surface, the old brain pathways begin to lose their power over you. Your ability to choose positive behaviors becomes greater. You no longer have to run to porn (or something else) to anesthetize yourself from the underlying “issues.”

Don’t get upset when this process doesn’t lead to one magic fix in a day. Frankly, your story is almost certainly too complicated and too dark for you to work it through all at once. Give yourself grace as you walk this journey. Jesus certainly does, and He will walk with you!

And you will discover the glorious, powerful, and captivating core of you under the surface of your womanly heart.

[1] John and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2005), 19.

Dr. Carol

Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley, M.D., D.Min., is an author, speaker, licensed OB-GYN medical doctor, and ordained Doctor of Ministry. As an expert on the integration of wholeness for body, mind, and soul, she interacts daily with individuals from around the world helping them experience the Fully Alive life Jesus came to bring.

By

REMINDER – New Step Study Starting July 24th!


Our founder, Jorge, will be leading a new step study group starting July 24th.  This is his 5th Step group.

The group lasts for about 2 years and you will go through all the steps including the pre-step and post-step work in the Castimonia book. 

They will meet every 2 weeks on Saturday mornings from 830am to 950am before the 10am Saturday Castimonia meeting in Katy. There is no cost to join the group but you must purchase a copy of the Castimonia book, 2nd edition.  Out of town guests will be able to use Zoom to join the group if they cannot attend in person. Houston-area members will need to attend in person.

This group takes a strong, long term commitment and is great for those ready to work the steps and have the Lord change their lives.

Please have any interested individuals contact Jorge at jorge@castimonia.org.

By

New Castimonia Meeting in Batesville, Arkansas Starting June 7th!

I am humbled to announce that the Arkansas team based out of Searcy, AR will be starting a new Castimonia meeting in Batesville, AR on Monday, June 7th! Meeting info is listed below:

Monday Nights
7:00PM – 8:30PM
St. Paul’s Episcopal Church
424 E. Main St.
Batesville, AR 72501
Contact: Doug at 281.665.0280

Thank you to all these men in Arkansas doing the Lord’s work to help individuals fight for their sexual purity!

By

Pornography: The New Narcotic

Article by John Piper

Founder & Teacher, desiringGod.org

The new narcotic. Morgan Bennett just published an article by this title. The thesis:

Neurological research has revealed that the effect of internet pornography on the human brain is just as potent — if not more so — than addictive chemical substances such as cocaine or heroin.

To make matters worse, there are 1.9 million cocaine users, and 2 million heroin users, in the United States compared to 40 million regular users of online pornography.

Here’s why the addictive power of pornography can be worse:

Cocaine is considered a stimulant that increases dopamine levels in the brain. Dopamine is the primary neurotransmitter that most addictive substances release, as it causes a “high” and a subsequent craving for a repetition of the high, rather than a subsequent feeling of satisfaction by way of endorphins.

Heroin, on the other hand, is an opiate, which has a relaxing effect. Both drugs trigger chemical tolerance, which requires higher quantities of the drug to be used each time to achieve the same intensity of effect.

Pornography, by both arousing (the “high” effect via dopamine) and causing an orgasm (the “release” effect via opiates), is a type of polydrug that triggers both types of addictive brain chemicals in one punch, enhancing its addictive propensity.

But, Bennett says, “internet pornography does more than just spike the level of dopamine in the brain for a pleasure sensation. It literally changes the physical matter within the brain so that new neurological pathways require pornographic material in order to trigger the desired reward sensation.”

Think of the brain as a forest where trails are worn down by hikers who walk along the same path over and over again, day after day. The exposure to pornographic images creates similar neural pathways that, over time, become more and more “well-paved” as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography. Those neurological pathways eventually become the trail in the brain’s forest by which sexual interactions are routed. Thus, a pornography user has “unknowingly created a neurological circuit” that makes his or her default perspective toward sexual matters ruled by the norms and expectations of pornography.

Not only do these addictive pathways cause us to filter all sexual stimulation through the pornographic filter; they awaken craving for “more novel pornographic content like more taboo sexual acts, child pornography, or sadomasochistic pornography.”

And it gets worse:

Another aspect of pornography addiction that surpasses the addictive and harmful characteristics of chemical substance abuse is its permanence. While substances can be metabolized out of the body, pornographic images cannot be metabolized out of the brain because pornographic images are stored in the brain’s memory.

“We are not mere victims of our eyes and our brains. The Holy Spirit has the greatest power.”TweetShare on Facebook

“In sum,” Bennett writes, “brain research confirms the critical fact that pornography is a drug delivery system that has a distinct and powerful effect upon the human brain and nervous system.”

None of this takes God by surprise. He designed the interplay between the brain and the soul. Discoveries of physical dimensions to spiritual reality do not nullify spiritual reality.

When Jesus said, “I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28), he saw with crystal clarity — the way a designer sees his invention — that the physical eye had profound effects on the spiritual “heart.”

And when the Old Testament wise man said in Proverbs 23:7, literally, “As he thinks in his soul, so is he,” he saw with similar clarity that soul acts create being. Thinking in the soul corresponds to “is.” And this “is” includes the body.

In other words, it goes both ways. Physical reality affects the heart. And the heart affects physical reality (the brain). Therefore, this horrific news from brain research about the enslaving power of pornography is not the last word. God has the last word. The Holy Spirit has the greatest power. We are not mere victims of our eyes and our brains. I know this both from Scripture and from experience. And I will write more about it next Tuesday. John Piper (@JohnPiper) is founder and teacher of desiringGod.org and chancellor of Bethlehem College & Seminary. For 33 years, he served as pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is author of more than 50 books, including Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist and most recently Providence.

By

How to Stay Sober: 12 Tips for Your Recovery

By Buddy T  Reviewed by David Susman, PhD, Updated on July 10, 2020

If you’re in recovery from a substance use disorder, you already know how much work it took to get there, and you’ll want to do everything possible to avoid having a relapse. It may seem that a relapse is the last thing that could happen to you, but the truth is they are very common for people new to recovery.

It is estimated that up to 80% of those who find long-term sobriety had at least one relapse along the way.1 Some had many before they found lasting recovery. Your intentions may be good, but it takes more than willpower to avoid having a relapse.

Some say the best advice for newcomers to recovery on how to stay sober is simple: “Don’t drink or use and go to meetings.” If that formula works for you, then by all means, do it.

But for most people, staying sober isn’t that straightforward. The more strategies you learn to identify triggers, cope with stress, and manage your new sober life, the easier it is to prevent relapse.

1. Identify Your Personal Triggers

A big part of preventing relapse is understanding your external triggers (people, places, things, and situations that elicit thoughts or cravings associated with substance use) as well as your internal triggers (feelings, thoughts, or emotions associated with substance abuse). Once you identify your biggest risks, you can create a plan to prepare for or avoid them.

Some common triggers may include:

  • Stress
  • Emotional distress
  • Environmental cues that result in cravings
  • People who are still using drugs or drinking
  • Relationship troubles
  • Job or financial problems

5 Triggers of Relapse and How to Avoid Them

2. Recognize Relapse Warning Signs

A relapse can sneak up on you, usually because you don’t recognize the warning signs. A relapse begins long before you actually pick up a drink or a drug and involves three phases: emotional relapse, mental relapse, and physical relapse.

Warning signs of relapse include:2

  • Returning to addictive thinking patterns
  • Engaging in compulsive, self-defeating behaviors
  • Seeking out situations involving people who use alcohol and drugs
  • Thinking less rationally, and behaving less responsibly
  • Finding yourself in a situation in which drug or alcohol use seems like a logical escape from pain

Warning Signs of an Alcohol or Drug Relapse

3. Prepare for PAWS

Depending on the type of dependency, post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) can last from six months to two years after you stop using, and include a variety of symptoms that range from irritability, sleep troubles, and intermittent anxiety to prolonged depression.

The symptoms involved in PAWS can be a barrier for recovery if you’re not careful. In addition to being able to recognize them, it’s important to know when to seek help.

If PAWS is severe or if you’re experiencing prolonged symptoms, a medical professional can help you work through them and remain in recovery without relapse. Why PAWS Can Be a Barrier to Recovery

4. Avoid Old Routines and Habits

It stands to reason that if you quit your drug of choice but continue with your same routine, hanging around the same people and places, and not making any changes in your circumstances, it will be much easier to slip back into your old behaviors and habits.

Some of the immediate changes you will need to make will be obvious—like not hanging around the people that you used with or obtained drugs from. After all, you can’t hang around your drug dealer or old drinking buddies and expect to remain sober for very long.

You may also need to change your route to work or home in order to avoid any triggers, or people, places, or things that make you want to use drugs or drink again.5 Triggers of Relapse and How to Avoid Them

5. Build Healthy Relationships

Now that you are sober, you may have discovered that your past relationships were not only unhealthy but downright toxic. It’s not just your drinking buddies and drug dealers who can get you into trouble—sometimes those who are closest to you can contribute to a relapse.

For example, you may have developed a co-dependent relationship, or a family member, friend, or employer may have been enabling you without even knowing it.

Research shows that if you maintain these types of toxic relationships, your chances of relapsing are greater.3 To avoid relapse and remain sober, it’s important to develop healthy relationships.

If you find it difficult to make new, sober friends, try joining a support group. Spending more time with supportive loved ones and planning activities for the entire family can also help you develop a more healthy lifestyle and avoid situations in which you would normally drink or use drugs.Developing Healthy Relationships in Recovery

6. Develop a Structured Schedule

Having a chaotic or disorganized lifestyle can also hinder your recovery. It’s important to develop a structured daily and weekly schedule and stick to it. That structured schedule will help you achieve other goals in your life, whether short-term like being on time for work or long-term like going back to school and changing careers.

Staying sober is a high priority, but developing and pursuing other goals can help you maintain that sobriety. How to Make Your Health Goals S.M.A.R.T.

7. Practice Healthy Living

Chronically misusing drugs and/or alcohol can take a major toll on your physical and emotional health, and now that you’re in recovery, you’ll want to prioritize self-care and ensure you have the fortitude to remain sober.

  • Exercise regularly4
  • Make time for recreational activities and hobbies
  • Eat regular, well-balance meals
  • Get ample, quality sleep
  • Practice relaxation strategies, like mindfulness meditation and yoga

Exercise Can Help With Avoiding an Addiction Relapse

8. Focus on Your Finances

People in recovery from a substance use disorder frequently have problems meeting work-related responsibilities, maintaining employment, and managing money. If you were active in your addiction for a period of time, chances are you have developed financial problems.

Financial troubles and problems finding and keeping employment are major triggers for relapse5—but it is possible to take baby steps and get your finances in order. Just keep in mind that your improvements won’t happen overnight.

Consider reaching out to a vocational rehabilitation counselor and career coach to help you revise your resume, practice job interview skills, and locate jobs that match your skills and experience.

Once you do return to work, it’s important to create a budget and take steps to safeguard yourself as work stress can be a relapse trigger. Managing Your Money Can Benefit Your Recovery

9. Stay Cool and Calm

Many people who misuse alcohol or drugs have trouble dealing with anger. If left unchecked, anger can have a negative impact on your health and your lasting sobriety.

Anger is a normal and natural emotion, but how you deal with it will make a difference in maintaining your recovery.

For many people with a substance use disorder, it’s simply a matter of never having learned the appropriate way to manage your anger. Talk to your therapist, other healthcare provider, or sponsor about how to deal with your anger in ways that won’t cause you to hurt yourself or others or, importantly, pick up a drink or drug. Dealing With Anger in a Healthy Way Is Crucial

10. Deal With Past Mistakes

Most people who make their way into recovery have left a lot of pain and suffering in their wake. Feeling guilty or shameful for a past behavior or action during active addiction is pretty natural and healthy.

Shame is described as having negative beliefs about yourself and your self-worth. Guilt is having negative feelings about your past behavior. People in recovery can experience a lot of shame simply for having become addicted in the first place.6

If these emotions become excessive, however, they can hold you back from recovery. If you are trying to maintain a sober lifestyle, those feelings can become toxic and cause you to relapse if you do not deal with them properly.

Most who find recovery also find that they have emotionally damaged friends and loved ones and have many regrets about their past decisions.​ To avoid relapse and stay sober, it’s important that you take the necessary steps to learn from your past mistakes and begin to live life more responsibly. Step 9 in A.A. Is Making Amends

11. Find Balance in Your Life

One common mistake for those who are new to alcohol and drug recovery is substituting a new addiction of compulsive behaviors for their old ones.7 People new to recovery can find themselves approaching their new diet, exercise program, job, and even participation in support groups with a compulsion that echoes addiction.

Although their new activities are healthy and productive, they can be a stumbling block to lasting recovery if they become a transfer addiction to fill the void left by the original addiction. The secret is to find a healthy balance and to gain control over everything in your life and all of your choices.

The key is to learn that you have choices and that you can maintain control. If any area of your life is out of control, it will not help you maintain lasting sobriety. To Stay Sober, It’s Best to Avoid All Compulsive Behaviors

12. Celebrate Milestones

If you’re involved in a 12-step program, you likely already know the importance of milestones. In these programs, it’s customary to award plastic chips as you progress to the year-mark at which time you receive a bronze coin.

Acknowledging and celebrating the hard work of recovery is helpful for keeping you motivated and reminding you why you took this brave step toward sobriety in the first place. Just be sure that your rewards don’t involved drugs or alcohol. Instead, focus on things, experiences, and activities that will support your new, healthy lifestyle.

If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area. 

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.