Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-familiar-pain-feels-like-love/
Why do we put so much effort into our relationships? Why do so many of us stay in them, even when they bring more pain than joy? Since the beginning of time, human beings have been preoccupied with these questions. The simple truth is that we are social animals. We are wired for connection. Being alone is often stigmatised—seen as abnormal, undesirable, even shameful. Many of us were conditioned by family, culture, and society to believe that being single means something is wrong with us. That belief quietly drives many of the choices we make in adulthood.
The result is that we often cling to relationships, convinced that our value lies in being attached to another person, even if that person is not good for us. And yet, the deeper question remains: why do we choose the partners we do? Why do some people consistently fall into the same patterns, even when those patterns are destructive?
The Unconscious Drive to Repeat the Past
In therapy, this is often where Freud’s concept of repetition compulsion comes in. Put simply, repetition compulsion is the unconscious drive to recreate situations from the past, usually painful ones, in the hope of achieving a different outcome. We are drawn, often without realising it, to people who remind us of our early caregivers. We pick partners, friends, or even bosses who echo those dynamics—not because we enjoy the treatment, but because something inside us is still trying to repair what was broken years ago.
For example, if you grew up with a parent who was unfaithful, you may find yourself either cheating on your own partners or consistently ending up with people who betray your trust. If you had a narcissistic parent, you might later be drawn to narcissistic partners. Not because you like the behaviour, but because it feels familiar and in a way safe.
On an unconscious level, the hope is simple: “If I can fix this relationship, if I can make this person love me, maybe I can finally heal the pain of the past.”
Codependency and the Need to Fix
This cycle is especially clear in codependency. Many codependent people carry deep-seated feelings of guilt and shame from childhood. They often grew up believing they were the cause of tension or conflict between parents. As adults, they unconsciously recreate that dynamic by clinging to unavailable or abusive partners, convinced that if they can fix their partner, they can redeem their childhood family and in a way, prove their worth.
Of course, this rarely works. The partner remains unchanged, the codependent grows more frustrated, and the inner belief of being “damaged goods” is reinforced. The cycle continues, just as it did in the family of origin.
The Role of Exiles
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy gives us a helpful way of understanding this. In IFS, we talk about exiles. Exiles are parts of us that are in pain.They are the younger, wounded parts of ourselves that carry unresolved trauma. These parts were often shamed, neglected, or invalidated during childhood, and so they were pushed away, locked out of everyday awareness. But they never truly disappear. Instead, they remain frozen in time, carrying fear, shame, or feelings of worthlessness.
When triggered, exiles can overwhelm us with intense emotions that feel out of proportion to the present situation. That sudden jealousy, fear of abandonment, or rage during a disagreement? Often, that is an exile speaking. These parts don’t recognise that you are now an adult with resources and agency. They are still stuck in the past, replaying the moment of abandonment, rejection, or betrayal. These exiles are often kept at bay by protector parts who make us angry, sad, work too much, drink or take drugs. Anything as long as we don’t face that childhood trauma again.
Emotional Reactivity and Relationship Struggles
This explains why relationships can feel so volatile. Exiles drive emotional reactivity. A small misunderstanding with a partner might unleash a flood of anger or tears, not because of what is happening now, but because the exile is reliving what happened then. Attachment issues also arise. People who carry strong exiles often struggle with insecurity, jealousy, or a constant need for reassurance. The fear of being left again looms large, making trust and healthy attachment difficult.
Some people, in contrast, build walls. Emotional unavailability is another common defence. When the exile is too painful, the system protects itself by cutting off vulnerability. These emotional barriers are meant to protect, but they also block intimacy. The partner feels shut out, and the relationship suffers.
The Link to Narcissism
Freud also suggested that attraction to narcissists plays a role in repetition compulsion. When someone grows up with narcissistic parents, they are often blamed for problems that were never theirs. As adults, they may unconsciously gravitate toward narcissistic partners, bosses, or friends. The familiar guilt and shame, while painful, feels known. And again, the unconscious hope arises: “If I can finally win love from this type of person, maybe I can heal my past.”
The Self-Sabotage of Exiled Inner Children
Unhealed exiles don’t just impact emotions. They also influence behaviour. Many people sabotage relationships by pulling away when things become too intimate, or by seeking validation outside the relationship. On some level, this is the exile trying to protect itself—better to end things now than risk being hurt again. The tragedy is that these very strategies often bring about the very abandonment they feared.
Bringing the Exiles Home
So, what is the way forward? The key is not to keep repeating the past with new partners, but to turn towards the parts of ourselves that are still hurting. Healing begins when we recognise and accept our exiles. These parts don’t need to be pushed away any longer—they need to be welcomed back, understood, and cared for. Firstly, working with the protector parts to allow us to access the younger parts they are protecting.
In therapy, this often involves “reparenting” the inner child. The Self provides the love, validation, and safety that was missing in childhood. This process allows the exile to release its burdens of shame and fear.
As integration happens, something remarkable changes. The compulsive drive to repeat the past lessens. Self-compassion grows. Triggers are easier to manage. Relationships begin to shift from being reenactments of childhood trauma to genuine adult connections built on trust, empathy, and respect. Even better, we start to shed the toxic people in our lives.
A Different Kind of Intimacy
When we bring our exiles home, relationships stop being about fixing the past. Instead, they become about authentic intimacy in the present. The need to control, to cling, or to sabotage diminishes. We can choose partners more consciously, not because they echo our parents, but because they truly meet us where we are.
Healing our exiles is not quick work. It requires courage, patience, and often the guidance of a therapist. But the reward is profound: freedom from repetition compulsion, freedom from destructive patterns, and the possibility of relationships that are no longer driven by old wounds.
In the end, the effort we put into relationships makes sense—we are wired for connection. But lasting fulfilment doesn’t come from trying to heal our childhood through our partners. It comes from turning inward, facing the parts of ourselves we once abandoned, and finally giving them the love they have always needed.
Only then can we truly connect—with ourselves and with others—in a way that feels authentic, stable, and free.
