CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3

(originally posted in 2012)

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Part 3, I go further “down the scale” of sexual purity and look at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.

The “flesh line” is best defined as the line that is crossed where a person knowingly has “impure” sexual intercourse with another person.   By “impure” I refer to sexual intercourse with anonymous sex partners, affair partners, prostitutes, or other “high-risk” persons that fulfill the fantasy or high.  Once this occurs, pornography and masturbation by themselves may never be “enough” to achieve the same sexual high achieved once the line has been crossed.  The battle becomes a lot more difficult and the consequences a lot higher once this occurs.  Crossing the flesh line now gives the person a taste of how much better the sexual gratification could be with the intense adrenaline rush from doing something “wrong” and also from the Neurochemicals pumping through the brain.  The intensity can be as much if not more than while viewing pornography.  Now the person can try to reenact the pornography they viewed with another person.  Sometimes with the other person’s consent, sometimes without.  A lot of times, they dehumanize the person and treat them like an object only for use for their sexual satisfaction, desperately trying to get the same level of high they had in previous acting out experiences.

The diagram to the left shows a progression of the disease beginning with the roots of unmet emotional needs (click on the diagram for a full-sized image).  Background information on this diagram and the progression will be discussed in another post.  However, this diagram clearly defines where the “flesh-line” (or Flesh Barrier as it is showing the diagram) lies and the resulting behaviors and consequences.  There are those of us in Castimonia who have passed the flesh line and have faced severe consequences such as diseases, loss of our jobs, loss of our marriage, violence toward us, prison, and even death!  What a man who struggles with sexual purity must understand is that if they do not take hold of the problem early on, they will end up suffering these consequences.  No matter how deceptive the man might be in fooling their loved ones, employers, etc… they are only fooling themselves.  One day, the truth will come out, and even though the damage has already been done with the sexual acting out, the consequences will come forward and might be more severe than when they were just struggling with lustful thoughts, masturbation, or viewing pornography.

My hope for every man who reads this blog is that it opens their eyes to a problem they might be denying.  That it helps them understand the problem and helps them understand that there are others who struggle with this issue and if not confronted, will escalate to the point where the consequences are severe!

In Part 4, I will answer the initial question asked in the topic title, “Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you?”

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2

(originally posted in 2012)

In Men’s Sexual Purity, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I frankly discussed the sexual purity issues of excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  Two “minor” struggles almost every man has with maintaining sexual purity.  I state “minor” only because if these two are left unchecked, they may develop into a compulsion which becomes a lot more difficult to treat.

In Part 2, I discuss the issue of pornography.  “Pornography is the devil!” I once heard used to describe the subject matter.  I don’t believe this is Biblically correct, but I do know that pornography and sexual immorality is a tool the devil uses against Christians to try to separate us from God (not separate God from us).  The sad reality is, a lot of men view and use pornography for their sexual gratification.  One of the pastors at The Fellowship circulated an anonymous survey at one of our general men’s group two years ago.  The results were not surprising.  Among attendees of this men’s group (not sexual addiction related), 100% viewed and used pornography for sexual gratification!  (Admitting to sexual impurity is a lot easier when done on anonymous surveys, and this is one reason our group attempts to maintain anonymity and confidentiality.)

So 100% of men in the men’s group admitted to having viewed and used pornography for sexual gratification.  These are dedicated men who attended this particular class to better themselves and their walk with Christ!  What does this tell you about the truth of pornography and how it has infiltrated the church?  The enemy is great at using one of the greatest weaknesses men have – sexual temptation!  The viewing of pornography has become the “norm” in American society.  I read some other blogs recently referencing a CNN article that stated that over 30% of all Internet traffic is pornography related.  WOW!

So how does pornography become so addicting?  Well there are plenty of resources for in-depth description on how this occurs.  I will try to give you a simple an explanation as possible.  In short, the human brain has the same reaction to getting high off crack cocaine as it does to viewing pornography.  Patrick Carnes has every reason to state that Internet Pornography is the crack cocaine of sex addiction.  Pornography affects the brain in very negative ways.

So how is the brain affected by pornography?  Neurochemicals!  Adrenaline and pleasure hormones become linked to and released by the experience of a male viewing pornography.  Watching pornography is like drinking out of a fire hose.  What is meant to give us a need in terms of water, will soon drown us and kill us because of the amount of water coming out.  So is the concept with viewing pornography.  What God meant to be a meaningful expression of true intimacy, pornography twists and distorts it to the point that we end up drowning, yet want more and more!  Men seek to be intimate with their partners, pornography hijacks this intimacy with over-stimulation of the male brain.  Now, here is where things get tricky.  The brain pumps out the chemicals triggered by the viewing of pornography at a very high level.  This initial amount is enough to get us aroused and to sexually act out.  However, escalation ensues and the original high level of chemicals produced by the brain is no longer enough!  Now, more of the chemical is needed to get the same arousal and sexual satisfaction.  And this means that we need to view more pornography, perhaps more “hardcore” pornography to get back to that level of arousal at which we have set in our brains.  Perhaps we need longer periods of viewing pornography, searching, viewing, finding, objectifying, fantasizing, etc…

This brings me to my next point.  Getting high off viewing pornography does not require self gratification (masturbation).  The high is already there once the user views the pornography.  The brain is already active in pumping out the chemicals necessary to bring the user to a state of sexual arousal.  One can sit in front of their computer or TV and watch pornography without gratifying themselves and still get the “high”!  Self gratification only adds to the experience but is not required to achieve the high that comes from just viewing pornography.  The longer one watches, the more that will be needed the next time to get to the same level of high.  This can quickly turn into a downward spiral where the Christian who only watched “a little” pornography is now addicted, spending hours in front of their screen viewing pornography.  Slowly, they begin with 10 minutes, then 1 hour, then 4 hours, then 8 hours, etc…  More of the chemical is needed to maintain the high, they can’t get enough.  The will NEVER get enough!  The sad reality in all of this is that I have heard of men in their 20’s needing Erectile Dysfunction medication to achieve an erection with their spouse because of the amount of Internet pornography they had been viewing before and even during the marriage.  Their arousal template has been completely distorted, but there is hope in recovery and abstinence from viewing pornography!

Now why is Internet pornography so dangerous?  I’ll discuss this in-depth in another post on why to use Internet filters.  But in short, the Accessibility, the Anonymity, and the Affordability (Al Cooper)!  All a user has to do is get online and they can quickly view whatever pornographic content they desire to view.  Internet pornography is easily accessible!  The user can do this in the confines of their own home.  No need to go to a public place to view pornography.  No need to worry about being seen leaving a “video store” or Sex Shop.  Furthermore, postings on the Internet allow for users not to use their real identity.  One can post sexually graphic messages without anyone knowing who they really are.  Internet pornography allows for anonymity!  Finally, a user can quickly find “free” content online.  There is rarely a need to pay for content that is easily given away for free from these crack dealers!  Have you noticed how some of these pornographic websites give free “previews” of the sexual content, just enough to draw a user in so that they will purchase more of the product?  Hmmm, sounds a lot like a crack dealer, they draw you in with a free “high” then you have to pay to get more!  Regardless, there is almost no cost to access pornographic content on today’s Internet.  Internet pornography is affordable!

I could go on for pages on why pornography is so destructive to the human brain, however, in my next post, I will discuss another level of sexual impurity, crossing the flesh line….

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Is Your View of Women Aligned with Your Theology?

Originally posted at: https://www.crossway.org/articles/is-your-view-of-women-aligned-with-your-theology

Women as Image Bearers

You can barely open your computer, watch Netflix, go to a movie, or follow popular music without encountering our culture’s objectification, negation, and sexual exploitation of women. Our society attaches a woman’s worth to her beauty or views them only as objects for sexual pleasure; the degrading of female image bearers is all around us. Why are female pop stars pressured to dress provocatively? Why are fashions designed not to cover the woman’s body but to expose it? Why do countless women find the workplace to be sexually threatening? Why are a woman’s breasts often more esteemed than her brain?

Popular media oppresses women with norms of beauty that literally take surgery to obtain. How far away have we fallen from the dignity of women as image bearers of God himself? When it comes to the value, dignity, significance, and uniqueness of the imprint of the image of God, men and women are equals. Hear these words again: “So God created man in his own image, / in the image of God he created him, / male and female he created them” (Gen. 1:27). To reduce a woman down to the shape of her body, to dishonor, denigrate, or objectify her, or to negate the value of her gifts and her God-given contribution as one of his image-bearing resident managers, dishonors not only her but God himself.

I wish I could say that the issue of devaluing the image-bearing giftedness of women is an issue only outside the church, but I cannot. Now, I do believe that God has designed different roles for men and women in his church. I think Scripture is quite clear that the role of pastor/ elder is, by God’s design, for men. But I also am convinced that we have undervalued and underutilized the God-given and essential gifts of women. The Bible does not teach that the primary role for women is in the home. The Bible does not teach that a woman’s spirituality comes through her husband. The Bible does not teach that a woman’s life will only be complete if she is married. The Bible does not forbid a woman from being highly educated and having a successful career. The Bible does not prohibit women from leading men in political, education, and business situations.

Valuing Women’s Gifts

Let me give you two examples of how these truths connect to the life and health of the body of Christ. One woman in the church where we are members is a professor of black history at a local college. She is not only a historian, but she is a theologian whom God has used to help our church think through and navigate issues of race. Because her gifts are valued, she has been an essential contributor to the health of our church in tumultuous times. Her combination of historical expertise and gospel literacy is a gift of God to our church, but it is important to note that giftedness had to be recognized by leadership and given a voice in order for our congregation to be helped and blessed by it.

Years ago I was one of the pastor/elders of a church in the Philadelphia suburbs. Once a year we would go away for an elders’ retreat with our wives. We would eat together and do activities together. But when it came time to discuss the church, the men would go into one room for those talks while the women went to another room to share parenting stories and recipes. Luella, my dear wife, found it both strange and uncomfortable. She reminded me that each of these wise and godly ladies had a different experience of the church than the elders did, and it might be helpful to hear from them. She wasn’t asking for women elders but for the gifts and experiences of women to be valued and given expression.

So one Saturday morning after breakfast the women joined the men in a discussion about church. It was one of the most important and eye-opening conversations the elders had ever had. We learned things about ourselves and the life, culture, and ministry of our church that we would have never known any other way. As the women lovingly shared with us, some of our weaknesses and failures were exposed. We began to see these women as not only wives and mothers but also as God’s gifted image bearers, built by him to be essential contributors to the life and health of his church. We scheduled a time for our wives to be part of the conversation at every retreat after that.

A woman who comes to her pastor with a concern about issues in the church, questions about a sermon, or concerns about leadership attitudes or decisions should not be brushed off, wrongly criticized, dismissed, or silenced. A woman who has not gotten married or who has pursued a career should not be judged. Married women should not be viewed as attachments to their husbands but rather as God-called and God-gifted contributing members of the body of Christ who happen to be married. Women do not experience the body of Christ as men do. Women see things that men don’t see. Women communicate truth differently than men. A body of Christ is healthiest when women are esteemed and their gifts highly valued, not just in the home but also in the church. The church needs highly trained women theologians. The church needs to give voices to gifted gospel-communicating women. We need to encourage gospel-wise women to write. To do anything less fails to treat women with the honor that was stamped on them at creation.

The theology of the image of God in all people should radically influence the way we view and respond to women, co-image bearers by God’s design.

One of the ways to build a culture that values the essentiality of the gifts of women in the body of Christ is to highlight the robust role that women had in God’s unfolding plan of redemption in Scripture. As you walk your way through biblical history, it becomes clear that the work of God is not solely a man’s domain; it is the ambassadorial calling of men and women alike. Sarah, Rebekah, Miriam, Rahab, Deborah, Ruth, Hannah, Esther, Anna, Mary, Elizabeth, Mary Magdalene, and Phoebe are just a few of the women God used to move along his plan of redemption. Men and women are called to be Christ’s disciples, his instruments, his representatives, and his messengers. We should teach this history to our boys and girls.

We want boys to grow into men who value the presence and gifts of women in the body of Christ, and we want girls to be clear about their calling and the need to hone the gifts God has given them.

The theology of the image of God in all people should radically influence the way we view and respond to women, co-image bearers by God’s design. This theology calls us away from denigrating and objectifying women and calls us to honor them as those who bear the very likeness of God himself. It calls us to honor their gifts, to give their unique experience a voice, and to train them for work as God’s agents in the world and as essential members of his church. Hear Spurgeon:

We cannot say to the women, “Go home, there is nothing for you to do in the service of the Lord.” Far from it, we entreat Martha and Mary, Lydia and Dorcas and all the elect sisterhood, young and old, rich and poor, to instruct others as God instructs them. Young men and maidens, old men and matrons, yes—and boys and girls who love the Lord—should speak well of Jesus and make known His salvation from day to day.1

Notes:

  1. Charles Spurgeon, “All At It,” sermon 2044, September 16, 1888, Christian Classics Ethereal Library, http://www.ccel.org/.

This article is adapted from Do You Believe?: 12 Historic Doctrines to Change Your Everyday Life by Paul David Tripp.

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Using Today’s Tools

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Using today’s tools

Are we becoming stuck in the “if onlys”? “If only I had more money.” “If only I were more attractive.” “If only my parents hadn’t cramped my style.” The “if onlys” will get us nowhere. We would do better to think about what we have to work with today.

Do we remember that we are fortunate just to be alive? Are we grateful that, one day at a time, we are clean and sober? Do we keep in mind that we have at our disposal the Twelve Step program and all its tools? When we dwell in the “if onlys,” we get stuck in yesterday. But what we have to work with today are “today’s tools,” and if we use them well, we’ll have no need for the “if onlys.”

Am I using the tools I have today?

Higher Power, help me to recognize today’s tools and to become willing to use them.

The tools I will use today are …

Hazelden Foundation

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Do You Feel Lucky?

Originally posted at: http://theresstillhope.org

“You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”
      – Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry (1971) 

I’ve learned one overarching lesson from my years of recovery, study, and working with men in addiction.

Lucky is not a plan.

Let me explain. Too often, in our quest for recovery, we just hope to get lucky. We hope things will just go our way – with our marriage, kids, job, health, and finances. “If everything goes right,” we reason, “we can make it in recovery.”

Don’t hate me for saying this, but I really believe it’s true. Your recovery is on you, so own it!

If it takes a loving wife, disciplined kids, an adoring boss, and the circumstances always going your way, in order to stay in recovery, I would humbly suggest you were not really in recovery in the first place. 

Recovery Step: Recovery is not the act of staying sober because everything is going your way. Recovery is the act of staying sober when nothing is going your way. Recovery is not about what is going on around you, but in you. And that’s good news, because you don’t get a vote in deciding what’s going on around you anyway.