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codependency

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If You Are Codependent, Please Read

Originally posted at: https://freefromcodependency.com/2021/06/14/if-you-are-codependent-please-read/

One of the reasons I work happily with codependents is that I am one myself with symptoms to a large extent worked through. However, I do have to constantly monitor my reactions to things and especially my marriage where symptoms are more likely to appear. In my work, I am different and I have found a healthy balance between helping and helping too much. This was not always the case and early in my career, I was often seen involving myself far too much. Over the years, I have learnt that the boundaries I set determine how successful the therapeutic relationship will ultimately be. In my marriage, I have to be constantly aware of my tendency to fix any real or imagined problem that I perceive to be there. This is the hardest part, standing back and allowing my wife to solve things on her own. There is a fine balance to be found but the general rule is that if she needs me, she will communicate that.

I have often said that codependency is something that needs to be managed rather than cured. It is not a disorder that can be medicated away. It is a result of childhood and relational trauma meaning that children are left with trying to form a bond and connection with adults who cannot or will not engage enough to do that, for various reasons. The child is left to overachieve and focus on a fantasy bond which follows them into adulthood with the mindset that they have to disproportionately give to get. It is a complex issue that has not been embraced by the therapy industry to a large extent but seemingly affects millions of people worldwide. People report being codependent on relationships, individuals and sometimes their work. Codependents are often workaholics who find overachieving and overwork tempting due to the fact that it brings validation from others but usually not from Self.

There are many methods available for codependent recovery, including step programs in the same ilk as AA or NA. There are individual methods put together by therapists who see the need to name codependency as an issue rather than seeing it as a symptom of something else diagnosable and treated with medication. Many of them deal with fundamentals of “self-love” asa guiding principle: While this is very important, just how do you get there? A good example exists in one of the therapy groups I facilitate. The members have come to a point of awareness of what is holding them back, where those influences comes from and what they need to do to overcome it. The missing part is the action to mostly carry it out and this is decisive.

When codependents first come into therapy, they are used to doing things a certain way for their own security. That means other’s needs first, external validation and denial of the right of the Self to exist. They have been taught by their childhood that they have to “work” for love and validation and that they don’t matter. This is often backed up by toxic shame acquired from caregivers that teaches them they are not good enough, unlovable or just wrong and bad. They believe it even though it is unlikely to be true. They were led to believe it at a vulnerable age, so it must be true. Any method that hopes to counter codependency, needs to have the aim to break this construct of thinking. So what needs to happen.

Stage 1: Awareness of Fantasy Thinking

At the start of therapy, many codependents are unaware of their issues and where and how they developed. They have formed a specific, unrealistic view of themselves based on the blueprint they have been following since childhood and are likely in, or have been in, relationships that are either abusive or unfulfilling. The first stage is to revisit the younger self and discover childhood stories in the form of the inner child, how that child felt, what happened in terms of significant events. This is done with non-dominant hand drawing, a process that works with the emotional mind and taps into locked thoughts and feelings. A psychological process known as “splitting” will often take place here. This says that the “in the moment” child is replaced by a “protective” version of themselves to help deal with issues at hand. This version is the one that often develops into adulthood.

Stage 2: Analysis of the Psyche

Once this done and a safe place has been found, an analysis of childhood protection measures can be started. Most children growing up in dysfunctional circumstances will dissociate from the present moment and develop a “not me” personality that deals with trauma. Starting off as protective measures, these develop into firm thinking “parts” that firmly dictate thinking and behavior and form an adult paradigm. In the course of a day, many of us may think, for example, “a part of me wants to do this and yet, at the same time, another part of me wants just the opposite”. Sometimes, this is felt as an inner conflict or “stuckness”.  Usually, we simply notice this conflict and override one of the arguments. In a healthy personality, there is a fluid shifting from one part to another depending on what approach is needed, what is appropriate, or what is necessary under the circumstances.  We may have difficulties with a partner, or we may feel as if something is “missing” in our life, or we may feel depressed. Most of us have, over time, become dominated by a few strong parts that “run the show” successfully. Typical parts include:

The inner Critic: A controlling voice that consolidates negative thinking about Self.

Avoidance/Escape: The basis of instant gratification and addiction and procrastination.

Guilt: Another manager voice that mirrors interaction with caregivers

Shame: A remnant of ineffective parenting.

Anger: Repressed emotions that were not allowed to be expressed.

These concepts are “personalized” by turning them into characters in an “internal family” and assessing how they have continued to protect the “child” in adult years, leading to such mental health struggles such as codependency, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and addiction.

Stage 3: The Real Self

The most important concept of the above is the formation of a “mentoring inner parental voice” that will negotiate with the inner family to release protection. This is the logical, realistic, compassionate “in the moment” voice that unites the child that was lost. At the center of this diverse collection of Parts is the Self, which we may experience as a “core self” or “true self”. The Self has two factors: “The first factor (Self Qualities) contains items relating to the experience of being “in Self”, i.e. feeling calm, balanced, worthy, connected, confident, joyful, peaceful, etc. The second factor (Self-Leadership) contains items relating to the ability to bring oneself back to balance when one has been hurt or stressed, i.e., the ability to resolve inner conflicts, to stay calm under pressure, to self-sooth, etc. The amount of “Self-energy” present can be noticed by the presence of those Self qualities. In an experience of trauma (including neglect of various degrees), certain parts take over the personality for survival purposes by assuming strong roles (a Pleaser, for instance). With a protective intention, they displace the leadership position of Self. In time, what was initially a protective measure, solidifies into patterns that are difficult to change– even though they may be clearly self-destructive. As protector parts continue to override the Self, the valuable, compassionate, internal leadership is lost. Other people may love and rely on their Pleaser part but the person who is dominated by a Pleaser may become exhausted with the demands of taking care of others by sacrificing the needs of her or his own parts.

I have found that when this kind of internal domination happens, other parts in the system lose confidence in the leadership capacity of the Self. They come to believe that the domineering parts have taken over the personality. It is as if a “coup” was staged subduing true leadership of the psyche. The dominant parts come to believe that they are, in fact, the total personality. Whenever we describe ourselves as “procrastinators” or “weak-willed” or “bossy”, or any number of critical assessments, we are identified with a primary part which believes it is “who we are”.

Stage 4: Transformation to Reality

It is important that once awareness is found that definitive action is taken. Combining aspects of coaching and behavioral change, a client will attempt to face and overcome fears.

This could include:

Setting boundaries and maintaining them.

Relationship change.

Dealing with self-esteem issues and internal conflict.

Self-care.

Dealing with addiction, codependency and eating disorders.

Stage 5: Putting It All Together

Change becomes a habit. New habits define change. I am fully convinced that once a codependent gets to this stage, it is a case of maintaining new and healthy habits and thinking patterns. This includes looking after themselves in terms of: Practicing healthy eating, sleeping, relaxation and exercise regimes.

Learning relationship values.

Codependency is a learned behavior that develops from childhood developmental trauma and a lack of connection with caregivers. This results in a never-ending quest for connection in future relationships with other people as a way to heal. These relationships are often a symptom rather than the cause of codependency and they are the vehicle that allows it to thrive. While much literature on codependency recovery focuses on behavioral change such as setting boundaries and self-care, I strongly believe that we must also go deep into the psyche and heal the root of codependency found in childhood. Once that is done, behavioral change can be implemented and much easier maintained.

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Codependent Families & Family Roles: What’s Yours?

originally posted at: http://thewellbeingblogger.com/2021/05/12/codependent-families-family-roles-whats-yours/

Codependent families are dysfunctional families, and there is no way I can sugar coat this. Believe me, I tried to in the past, because no one really enjoys to wake up one day and realise that their most secret suspicion – something is not right about my family – is based on true facts. Please know that there are no perfect families, as there are no perfect individuals, but there are definitely families that are less psychologically healthy than others, and that can cause a great deal of trauma and negative impact on a person’s development and growth.

My family has codependency issues and this is a problem that comes from at least three generations back. And just because you can identify this problem in your own family it doesn’t mean you haven’t been affected or even display codependent tendencies on a regular basis. Once you’re born into it, it takes continued effort to heal unhealthy behavioural and relational patterns. It takes inner work and maturity to learn and accept that such tendencies have shaped who we are and how we see the world. Let’s revisit the concept of codependency first though.

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, codependency is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition. This pathological condition can go from addiction (e.g. drugs) to personality disorders (e.g. borderline personality disorder) and traits (e.g. authoritarianism). When codependency is part of a family’s psychology, there are power struggles between its members and a good amount of control and manipulation.

In codependent families, it’s not unusual to find that each member performs a certain role within the family dynamic. The role can change from time to time, depending on the family’s dynamic as a whole. Sometimes one family member may have more than one role. According to Wegscheider-Cruse, there are five different roles. Although unhealthy, these roles have a survival value and they allow family members to experience less pain and stress. Within my family, for instances, I have played different roles to reduce the cognitive dissonance that results from living and growing up within a codependent family.

Unless some sort of therapy is initiated, people have usually no idea they are living and breathing from such roles. They may experience and sense that there is something wrong with the family dynamic, but might not be able to point out exactly what, and they may even prefer to live in the delusion that everything is alright to keep the status quo. The cost of keeping these roles active is, nonetheless, very high since they are psychologically unhealthy and, if not healed, can be passed to the following generation. The roles include the enabler, the hero, the lost child, the scapegoat, and the mascot, which I will describe next.

The Enabler

The Enabler is usually the member who is emotionally closer to the person who struggles with addiction or personality imbalances. There is a clear relationship of dependence between the enabler and that person. As situations become more chaotic and less controllable over time, the enabler tends to compensate the addict/unhealthy person by trying to control and manipulate reality, because the enabler feels extremely responsible for the family and therefore must keep it together at all cost. Enablers are usually the members of a family who extend themselves beyond measure to fulfil different chores, responsibilities and both physical and emotional needs of the whole family. People who play this role are very keen on hiding their fear, hurt, anger, guilt and pain by displaying self-blame, manipulation and self-pity.

The Hero

The Hero is usually the oldest child and the person who knows more about what is going on with the family. They know the family has issues and therefore they try to improve or make things better by becoming super achievers, providers or surrogate spouses (when children are used to fulfill a parent’s emotional needs). The Hero tends to look older than he/she is because they learned they had to act responsible from a very young age in order to survive. Heroes are often keen on hiding their loneliness, hurt, confusion, unworthiness and anger by making their best to be special, competent and confident. They often develop an independent second life away from the family.

The Scapegoat

The Scapegoat is usually identified in the family as the problematic child since they are keen on finding themselves in trouble both at home and in school. This is the family member in which the other family members place their anger and frustration. By focusing its attention on the problematic child, the family keeps the illusion that everything else is alright and healthy. Their role is to create distraction from the root-problem. Unlike the Hero, the Scapegoat seeks validation not within the family but in his peer group. Scapegoats are very keen on hiding their pain and rejection feelings by withdrawing from the family, engaging in risky behaviours, acting out and displaying aggressive behaviours.

The Lost Child

The Lost Child tends to manifest withdrawing behaviours but instead of withdrawing to a peer group they withdraw into themselves. They may protect themselves by retreating to their fantasy world. They often don’t act out, like the Scapegoat does, and they don’t seek achievements as the Hero. As such, they may go invisible and don’t get much attention from the family. The Lost Child’s role is to provide relief to the family by not giving others the chance to worry about them. Lost Children are very keen on hiding their loneliness, pain and sense of inadequacy by being quiet, distant and super independent.

The Mascot

The Mascot is usually charming and pleasant. They often make others laugh and their role is to provide light entertainment. The Mascot is often the family member who knows the least about the family’s root problem and they are rarely taken seriously. Underneath their distraction attempts lies a great amount of fragility. Mascots are keen on hiding their fear, insecurity and loneliness by being hyperactive, cute and doing funny things to grab people’s attention.

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Codependency Healing is Difficult Because It is Not Recognized as the Primary Addiction

Originally posted at: https://kathyberman.com/2021/01/27/codependency-healing-is-difficult-because-it-is-not-recognized-as-the-primary-addiction/

My Mission Statement–

We live in a codependent society that refuses to accept what codependency really is. One of the main fights of my life is helping others to see this in themselves and demand better treatment from others in their lives.

I was one of the lucky ones. Having started my addiction recovery journey in Nov. 1976, I discovered Melody Beattie and codependency in 1986. Being an avid reader of all aspects of recovery, I was astonished to discover myself in her pages. Astonished because codependency was being defined as the co-alcoholic. But I was married to a non-drinker and I was the alcoholic. How was this possible?

Moving forward to 2020, the same problem with misidentifying codependency as the “other” addiction still persists. It isn’t the other addiction. It is the main addiction. Why isn’t this recognized by the addiction/mental health community? Could it be because codependency recovery means healing the childhood experience? It is painful and a lot of work but has to be done to get to emotional sobriety.     Kathy Berman

I have decided to go all in on trying to help turn the tide on codependency deniers. We are all either a codependent or a narcissist person if we grew up in a troubled family. We had no other choice. It was the only way to stay in that troubled system. This realization took me 23 years to accept so I know that self acceptance can be a slow process.

BUT the recovery is very quick. Once you accept you are a codependent, you begin to look at all your relationships and begin seeking change or leaving the relationship. I believe the two biggest defenders of building your self confidence during this healing to be learning boundaries and detachment. I notice immediately now when I want to “rescue” someone from their own life. I now know that is my trying to not deal with something in my own life or my having allowed myself to be hooked into believing someone else can’t make it without me. I step back and see how I am being hooked. Is it coming from me or from them? So I spend some time reflecting on what it might be that I want to avoid. A great question I sometimes ask is, “Are you asking for help?” 9 times out of 10 the person waiting to be rescued will deny their need. No wonder I used to feel used.

From Anthony DeMello: Rediscovering Life: “Here’s a secret formula for you. If you were not actively engaged in making yourself miserable, you would be happy. You see, we were born happy. All life is shot through with happiness. There’s pain; of course, but who told you that you can’t be happy without pain? Come and meet a friend of mine who’s dying of cancer. She’s happy in pain.

So, we were born happy. We lost it. We were born with the gift of life. We lost it. We’ve got to rediscover it.

Why did we lose it?

Because society taught us to believe that if we work hard we’ll succeed and then happiness will follow but all that does is make us miserable. How did society do that? By teaching us to be attached to getting this and that. By teaching us to have desires so intense that we would refuse to be happy unless they were fulfilled. The tragedy is that all you need to do is to sit down for two minutes and just watch how untrue that assumption is— that you would be unhappy without A or B or X or Y, or whatever.

Do you know something? You won’t sit. Because if you sit, you might see it. You won’t sit and look at it. I know I wouldn’t. I resisted it for years.” From Roots of codependency:

“Like many other problems and patterns we work with in the office, codependency has its roots in childhood. Codependents are usually born into unstable homes, where there is emotional manipulation and where love is conditional. That is, if the child does not act exactly as expected, he/she will suffer abandonment and/or abuse.

The child in such a home grows up learning to control and monitor their parents moods and abandon their true identity, their true self, to please the parents. It is a matter of survival – after all, every child needs a caregiver. Thus, they learn to “dance the dance” of the manipulator, transforming their own life into a theater, where they are always doing well, or rather, pretend to be. In short: it is learned in childhood that, to receive affection, it is necessary to be “perfect” in the eyes of the caregiver. Everything revolves around the caregiver, who shapes the child’s taste and personality, at least on a superficial level. The child does all this for a small dose of conditional affection, which the child needs so much of.

This pattern of abdicating oneself to please another person at any cost continues after childhood, and can be seen especially in romantic relationships. After all, what we learn through past experiences becomes our internal rule. It is the kind of love we earn in childhood that we usually look for in the future; not because it’s healthy, but because it’s what we know, it’s what we got used to. Thus, a child who was born and raised in a home with narcissists may find himself entering into relationships with similarly narcissistic people, and refusing relationships and even friendships with healthier people. The comfort of the known, even if bad, may be better (in the short term) than the unknown. Thus, codependents are at risk of leaving an emotionally manipulative partner only to go to another, thus generating a cycle of ups and downs and unhappiness.”

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Codependency And Addiction: Why The Disease Model Will Never Work

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-and-addiction-why-the-disease-model-will-never-work/

The term codependency has gone through various changes in meaning over the years. Originally, it was only used to describe anyone who stayed in a relationship with a substance user and enabled that behaviour. Often called “co-alcoholics”, the classic scenario comes to mind of a woman complaining to her friends about her husband’s drinking but making sure he has a six-pack constantly at hand in the fridge: “It’s to stop him going to the bar in the evenings” would be the excuse.

These days, we understand codependency to be a much more complex affliction and one that covers many areas of our lives. Work, especially relationships and our view of the world and our place in it, can all be altered if codependent tendencies are present. The deeper meaning of the term has led many to see codependency as some form of love addiction. This is certainly true of relationships where the need to be in one can be compared with the drive to take drugs, gamble overeat, or drink alcohol. To find further similarities, we need to challenge the accepted norms around the thinking concerning addiction.

For more content exclusively dedicated to codependent recovery, please visit my Online Therapy Hub: Free From Codependency

I have never been truly convinced that the accepted view of addiction as a disease is the right one for codependency. Take for example, this statement from The Alcoholism Guide in the UK:

“Alcoholics Anonymous which brought the alcoholism disease concept to the attention of the public state that alcoholics are a special group of people. They cannot control their drinking. They have an alcohol allergy… a cause of shame for many“.

This suggests that people might “catch” the disease and need to be treated with classic medicine. The disease model of addiction states that addiction is a relapsing and chronic brain disorder, with rates or relapse at around 40% to 60% – similar to relapse rates of other chronic medical conditions such as diabetes, hypertension and asthma. The rehab approach is one of abstinence and medication to solve the problem and yet relapses are common.

When we try to think about codependency in the same terms, it would be difficult to see how a medical model could be applied and this would be my fear should codependency ever be included in the DSM. Many people working in the medical and psychology fields are still of the opinion that codependency does not exist outside of its classic use described above. They often see it as a symptom of something more “DSM diagnosable”. However, if we take a look at another school of thought around addiction, we can see that codependency and indeed other more well-known addictions find a place. The so-called Social Learning Theory or “desire” model suggests that people learn to do something, like it, it becomes a habit and they overuse it in seeking instant gratification. The social learning model contains three elements, modeling, operant conditioning and classic conditioning. We can then start to assess addiction as a habit and not a disease.

Modeling: People generally learn new skills by learning, watching others and trying it for themselves. Children often copy the behaviour of their parents (good or bad). The same principle applies to substance abuse and codependency. Many codependents come from families where codependency is generational and they learn it within the family structure from parents and grandparents. Without a viable alternative or new learning, they will model this as an adult.

Operant conditioning or the pleasure principle: Many addictions start with a pleasurable experience. This conditions the mind to try to relive this high over and over again to reinforce the experience. In the case of codependency, this high can be equated with the adulation stage, found early in a relationship. Many codependents I talk to express a feeling of addiction to the so-called “honeymoon phase” of a relationship. In relationships with self-centered people, they also feel the same addiction to the small moments of togetherness they share with such people.

Classic conditioning: Pavlov demonstrated in his experiments with dogs that pairing one stimulus with another produced a learned response. In terms of codependency, this would mean behaviour states being produced from feeling states. Many codependents suffer fear, anxiety and loneliness when out of a relationship driving them to sometimes jump into a relationship.

If we believe the above to be true, then the statement made by Stephen Covey in the 7 Habits becomes very relevant. He said: “If you can learn a habit, then you can also unlearn it”. This idea of learned behaviour fits very nicely with the whole idea of codependency. It is learned behaviour based on developmental trauma and ineffective connection with primary caregivers. This calls for awareness and acceptance of codependency and its issues (this is not always a given) and a commitment to breaking the habit.

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Love Your Neighbor As Yourself, Codependency VS Christianity

Originally posted at: https://monikajeneva.wordpress.com/2021/03/24/love-neighbor-codependency-vs-christianity-creative-writing/

Codependents often harm themselves by giving to the level of neglecting their own needs. In order to love our neighbor, we need to start by loving ourselves. (Also to forgive our neighbor, we must first offer forgiveness to ourselves).

Okay, let’s be real; some of our neighbors are not that easy to love. In fact, there are a few of them whom I, self-righteously, believe deserve to have a car run over their mailbox, a key scraped across their red truck, and a brick thrown through their living room window … Um, anyway … That’s another post.

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah … We, Codependents, give well beyond a healthy limit, which enables other’s to continue their destructive behavior. This is a detriment for all involved, including those who are in the hemispheres of the dangerous conduct- enabled by the Codependent- of these toxic people.

As Codependents, we are not bad people, just misguided as to the difference between licensing and loyalty.

We should remember The Lord’s words in Mathew 10:16: Behold; I am sending you out as sheep amid wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. 

Love Your Neighbor As Yourself, Codependency vs Christianity

Godly Wisdom

We need not curtail our love, but must act with balance and godly wisdom in our encounters. Destructive people will take advantage of our Codependency to the extent in which we allow. The extreme side of such a hazard is the possibility of losing our identities and forgetting our importance in Jesus Christ. 

Our Father wants us to maintain boundaries in all things because this means welfare; maintaining safety is always a wise move- for our bodies, spirits, and minds.

Sometimes intercessory prayers for others from afar is the greatest gift in which we can offer those who are serpent-like.

Mathew 5:44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you…

Love Your Neighbor As Yourself, Codependency vs Christianity

Living Examples

Let us not permit the lack of healthy perimeters from our Codependency to give us the illusion that we are martyrs for our faith. But let us be living examples of Christ’s love by acting on prayerful wisdom and thriving in God’s realm with levelheaded choices and decisions.

Christianity, unlike Codependency, does not starve our souls; it nurtures it.

* I did not go into the intricate depth of this subject as I had planned because I know you are all smart enough to get it from here. No, this is not a copout; I really do think you’re all that, and more.

Mark 12:30,31 

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. ’The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Copyright ©Tamara Yancosky – All Rights Reserved