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Codependency: Exploring the Thin Line Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-exploring-the-thin-line-between-being-alone-and-being-lonely/

Human relationships are intricate, delicate, and intrinsically consequential facets of existence. The associations we establish with others, be they platonic, romantic, or familial, are of paramount importance in influencing our emotional welfare. Within the complex web of relationships at play, a differentiation can be observed between the states of loneliness and solitude, with codependency serving as the pivotal factor in this contrast. Codependency is a psychological and sociological construct that emphasises the interconnectedness and frequently detrimental dynamics that exist within interpersonal connections. Without providing an explicit definition, this article examines the complex web of codependency in order to determine how it affects the experience of solitude and loneliness.

The most basic definition of loneliness is the sensation of being estranged or separated from others. It has the capability to manifest in a congested room, as its effectiveness is not exclusively determined by physical proximity. Loneliness is a profoundly psychological and emotional experience that penetrates an individual’s being, evoking feelings of unease, melancholy, and an intense desire for significant interpersonal bonds. Nevertheless, the experience of loneliness is not exclusively associated with physical isolation.

Codependent relationships frequently flourish when one or both partners experience feelings of isolation and solitude. Within such interpersonal relationships, members may develop an unhealthy dependence on one another for emotional support, validation, and a sense of direction. Individuals may develop a dread of solitude, and their sense of value may become heavily dependent on the presence and approval of a significant other.

Codependent relationships obscure the distinction between solitude and loneliness. Despite being physically separated, individuals who have centred their emotional lives on their companion or loved one may still experience profound loneliness. Devoid of the other individual, they experience a profound sense of isolation and desolation, which exacerbates their loneliness.

Individuals who suffer from codependency may find it difficult to cultivate a robust sense of self-reliance and autonomy. Because their identity and contentment have become excessively dependent on external factors, particularly their codependent partner, they might find solitude to be challenging. As a result, the experience of solitude endures in their minds even in the absence of corporeal companionship, establishing itself a perpetual companion.

In contrast to loneliness, being alone is characterised by the positive and enlightening experience of being physically alone. This presents an occasion for introspection, individual development, and the restoration of one’s emotional reserves. Rather than experiencing feelings of isolation or disconnection, solitude entails appreciating the companionship of one’s own as a vital component of a satisfying existence.

Solitude and codependency are contrasting extremes on the emotional spectrum. Individuals in codependent relationships may find solitude to be an intimidating prospect. Individuals experience anxiety and unease at the thought of being alone because it forces them to confront their deepest fears and insecurities, which they have repressed due to their codependent partner’s constant presence.

Individuals who are ensnared in codependency frequently perceive their emotional vacancy and the fragility of their self-identity in solitude. This experience may serve as a sobering awakening, compelling them to acknowledge the degree to which they have neglected their authentic selves in an effort to fulfil the desires of their partner. Therefore, solitude is no longer a source of consolation but rather a formidable obstacle.

In order to overcome alienation and loneliness within the framework of codependency, it is imperative that individuals undertake a process of introspection and development. Overcoming codependent patterns requires an individual to redefine their personal identity and develop the ability to appreciate solitude as a chance to rejuvenate and recover.

In order to liberate oneself from codependency, it is imperative to commence with a process of self-reflection and cultivate self-awareness. It is imperative for individuals to acknowledge the cognitive and behavioural patterns that underpin their codependent inclinations. This entails recognising and acknowledging the fears, insecurities, and emotional traumas that form the foundation of their reliance on others for approval and joy.

Codependent individuals frequently encounter difficulties when it comes to establishing and upholding healthy boundaries within their interpersonal connections. Recognising and regulating one’s personal space is critical in the process of reclaiming one’s identity and alleviating the dread of solitude. The establishment of healthy boundaries facilitates an environment that is secure for individual development and exploration of oneself.

Codependency frequently originates from an absence of self-compassion and low self-esteem. Mastering self-love and self-care is an essential component in mitigating the apprehension associated with solitude. Self-compassion enables individuals, even when they are alone, to be nurturing and kind to themselves.

As individuals advance in their quest to liberate themselves from codependency, they initiate a transformation in their understanding of seclusion. They begin to perceive it not as a vacuum to be filled or a reminder of their isolation, but as a chance to develop personally and discover more about themselves.

Self-Care and Self-Reflection: In moments of solitude, people engage in self-care practices that promote the health of their bodies, minds, and emotions. Engaging in self-reflection facilitates the acquisition of profound insights pertaining to one’s desires, values, and aspirations.

Personal Development and Growth Solitude provides an environment that is conducive to personal development and growth. It affords individuals the opportunity to engage in pastimes, interests, and passions that might have been disregarded throughout codependent partnerships. Engaging in this process of self-discovery cultivates feelings of satisfaction and direction.

Emotional Independence: Individuals who successfully overcome codependency gradually cultivate emotional independence. By developing the ability to validate themselves and discover inner happiness, they diminish their dependence on external validation and approbation.

Cultivating Positive Relationships: As people mature emotionally and cultivate a more robust sense of self, they enhance their capacity to establish harmonious and health-conscious partnerships. They can enter relationships from a position of strength rather than one of desperation when they are in solitude.

A profound distinction exists between loneliness and being alone in the context of codependency. When codependency is present, loneliness becomes an ingrained and enduring sentiment that surpasses mere physical proximity. Codependent individuals experience an unfulfilled emotional vacancy, even in the presence of others who are not physically present.

Conversely, solitude, which was previously regarded with apprehension within the codependent framework, undergoes a significant metamorphosis into a potent instrument for introspection, restoration, and development. By transforming it into a wellspring of resilience and self-determination, it empowers people to liberate themselves from codependency and construct more positive, satisfying connections.

In essence, gaining a comprehensive comprehension of the complexities surrounding codependency and its ramifications on the sensations of isolation and seclusion may constitute a pivotal stride towards a more genuine, harmonious, and emotionally gratifying existence.

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For Codependency, read loneliness.

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/for-codependency-read-loneliness/

Codependents are generally believed to crave relationship status and are also believed to struggle profusely when not in one. In spite of the fact that they are participating in a partnership that is beneficial to both parties, individuals who are codependent in their romantic relationships may frequently experience feelings of isolation. This is the case even though they are part of a relationship that might, in effect, provide them with support. People who have tendencies towards codependency frequently demonstrate a significant dependence on their significant others for the purposes of validating themselves, boosting their self-esteem, and maintaining psychological equilibrium. Even though the individuals may be physically involved in the relationship, their emotional needs are frequently not being met, which results in a feeling of separation and isolation.

I know from my own experience of codependency that this isolation and feeling of loneliness can be crippling. I often expressed exactly what people wanted to hear (or so I thought) and felt being emotionally honest about how I really felt would lead to a breakup. This left these feelings with me to cope with and I can remember many hours berating myself and blaming others for my inabilities concerning communication. With no-one to turn to, I went inwards and buried those thoughts and moved on, all the while building resentment, that often spewed out eventually in an inappropriate outburst or passive aggressive behaviour.

In a romantic relationship, the experience of feeling alone can arise even when both partners are supportive of each other due to the presence of codependency. People who display codependent tendencies may rely heavily on their partners for validation, self-worth, and emotional stability. Despite being physically involved in a relationship, emotional needs may often go unmet, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Codependents often experience solitude due to their tendency to prioritise the needs of their significant other above their own. It is common for people to prioritise their partner’s desires over their own personal goals and preferences. Engaging in such behaviour may lead individuals to disconnect from their sense of self, personal interests, and community ties, which can result in a deep sense of emptiness and isolation.

Individuals with codependency tendencies exhibit a proclivity to place significant reliance on their partner’s affirmation and validation as a means of bolstering their own self-worth. Some people may have a tendency to constantly seek validation and confirmation from their partner. Without proper validation, one might feel inadequate and as though their affection is not being returned. Individuals who constantly seek external validation may become vulnerable as they rely on their partner’s perception of their value. Having a partner who is emotionally distant or unresponsive can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Additionally, people who exhibit codependent tendencies may often face challenges in setting healthy boundaries in their relationships with others. Some people may feel anxious about the possibility of rejection or abandonment, which can lead them to compromise their own needs and boundaries in order to maintain the relationship. A possible result of this situation is that individuals may feel like they have insufficient personal space and autonomy, leading to feelings of suffocation and disconnection from both themselves and those around them. Without clear boundaries, individuals may find it difficult to distinguish their own sense of self from that of their partner, which can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Individuals who display codependent tendencies may find themselves in romantic relationships with emotionally aloof or narcissistic partners in some cases. It’s possible that these associates may not be able or willing to meet the emotional needs of the codependent person, which could lead to feelings of worthlessness and neglect. Despite being in a romantic partnership, a person who is codependent may still feel emotionally abandoned, which can make them feel even more alone.

To prevent feelings of loneliness in a codependent relationship, it’s crucial for both partners to recognise and prioritise their own needs and well-being. Developing a self-concept that is independent of one’s partner’s validation is crucial. Developing a more fulfilling life involves creating a social network outside of a romantic relationship, pursuing personal interests, and maintaining healthy boundaries.

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Why Codependents find it hard to set Boundaries

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-codependents-find-it-hard-to-set-boundaries/

For many, the concept of boundaries is straightforward – a delineation of personal space, values, and the acceptable limits of behavior in relationships. However, for some, the setting and maintaining of these boundaries is anything but simple. In the realm of human relationships, particularly among those who exhibit certain relational patterns, the establishment of healthy boundaries can be a complex and elusive task.

These relational patterns, often characterized by an excessive emotional reliance on a partner, parent, or friend, can significantly impede one’s ability to establish personal limits. Individuals with these tendencies often find themselves in a paradoxical bind. On one hand, they possess a deep yearning for personal validation and emotional security; on the other, they have a habit of placing the needs and desires of others above their own. This imbalance lays the groundwork for a dynamic where boundaries are either weak or nonexistent.

One of the fundamental reasons behind this challenge is the rooted belief in the importance of others’ needs over one’s own. From an early age, some individuals learn to gain approval and love by being accommodating, helpful, and attuned to the needs of others, often at the expense of their own needs. This learned behavior is not just a temporary adaptation but becomes an ingrained part of their identity and self-worth. As adults, this translates into a pattern of behavior where the thought of asserting their own needs feels not just uncomfortable but fundamentally wrong.

The fear of rejection or abandonment is another powerful deterrent in setting boundaries. The mere thought of displeasing someone can evoke intense anxiety and discomfort in these individuals. This fear is not unfounded; it often stems from past experiences where expressing their needs led to negative consequences. Therefore, saying ‘no’ or expressing a differing opinion is not just a matter of asserting oneself; it’s risking the loss of a relationship that they perceive as crucial to their emotional survival.

Moreover, there is often a deep-seated belief that one’s value is contingent upon their usefulness or agreeableness to others. This belief system can lead to a perpetual cycle of overextending oneself in an attempt to be indispensable. In this cycle, setting boundaries feels like a direct threat to their sense of self and worth. If they are not needed, if they are not the go-to person for support, then who are they? This existential question can be terrifying and is a significant barrier to establishing healthy limits.

Empathy and sensitivity, while generally positive traits, can also complicate boundary setting. Individuals who are highly empathetic often have a heightened awareness of others’ emotions and needs. While this can be a strength, it can also be a weakness when it comes to setting boundaries. The ability to deeply feel and understand what others are going through can lead to a prioritization of others’ needs, often at a cost to their own well-being. It’s challenging to say ‘no’ or to assert one’s needs when they can so acutely feel the disappointment or discomfort it might cause someone else.

Communication skills, or rather the lack thereof, play a crucial role in the difficulty of setting boundaries. Effective communication is key in expressing one’s needs and limits. However, for those who have spent a lifetime prioritizing others’ needs, the language of self-assertion can be foreign and intimidating. They may lack the vocabulary or the confidence to express their needs and limits effectively. Even when they do attempt to set boundaries, their communication may be apologetic or so soft that it is easily overlooked or dismissed.

In addition to these personal factors, societal and cultural expectations can exacerbate the difficulty in setting boundaries. Certain cultures and societies place a high value on selflessness and caregiving, particularly for women. In these contexts, the act of putting oneself first or asserting personal needs can be seen as selfish or inappropriate. These societal norms can reinforce the internalized belief that one’s value is tied to how much they sacrifice for others.

Furthermore, the dynamic of their relationships can be a significant barrier. In relationships where one has always been the giver, the caregiver, or the problem-solver, changing this dynamic by setting boundaries can be met with resistance or confusion from others. This resistance can be discouraging and can reinforce the fear of rejection or abandonment. It’s easier to maintain the status quo, even if it’s at the cost of personal well-being.

Given these challenges, setting boundaries can be a daunting task. It requires not just the recognition of one’s right to personal space and needs but also the courage to face potential rejection and the resilience to withstand the discomfort of change. It’s a journey that involves redefining one’s self-worth, learning new communication skills, and, most importantly, the realization that one’s value is not contingent upon their utility to others.

For individuals exhibiting certain relational patterns, the act of setting boundaries is more than just drawing a line; it’s a profound process of redefining their identity and relationships. It involves confronting deep-seated fears, challenging long-held beliefs, and navigating complex emotional landscapes. While the journey is challenging, the establishment of healthy boundaries is a critical step towards emotional well-being and more balanced, fulfilling relationships. The path to achieving this may be fraught with obstacles, but the destination—a place of self-respect and healthier relational dynamics—is undoubtedly worth the journey.

Recognizing the inherent challenges in setting boundaries for individuals who prioritize others’ needs over their own, there are several practical steps that can be taken to facilitate this essential process. The journey towards effective boundary setting is gradual and requires patience, practice, and often, a reevaluation of one’s self-perception and values.

1. Self-Reflection: The first step is introspection. Individuals must take time to understand their own needs, values, and limits. This can be achieved through journaling, meditation, or therapy. It’s important to identify what makes them feel comfortable and what doesn’t, and where they need to draw the line to maintain their mental and emotional well-being.

2. Reevaluate Self-Worth: It’s crucial to work on the belief that one’s value is tied to how much they do for others. This often involves challenging long-held beliefs and replacing them with the understanding that everyone has intrinsic worth, independent of their utility to others. Affirmations, therapy, and supportive relationships can aid in this reevaluation.

3. Develop Communication Skills: Effective boundary setting requires clear and assertive communication. It’s essential to learn how to express needs and limits in a way that is direct yet respectful. Role-playing exercises, communication workshops, or therapy can help in developing these skills. Using “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have time for myself” can be a good starting point.

4. Start Small: Begin with setting small boundaries in less challenging relationships or situations. This could be as simple as saying no to an additional task at work or asking a friend for some time to respond to their requests. Small successes can build confidence and provide a foundation for more significant boundary setting in more critical relationships.

5. Plan and Practice: Anticipate situations where boundaries might be needed and plan responses ahead of time. Rehearsing these responses can make it easier to assert them in real situations. It’s often helpful to have a few set phrases ready for use in moments of stress.

6. Seek Support: Support from friends, family, or a therapist can be invaluable. They can provide encouragement, offer perspective, and help in staying accountable to one’s commitment to set boundaries. Support groups can also be a great resource, as they allow sharing experiences and learning from others who face similar challenges.

7. Manage Guilt: Feeling guilty after setting a boundary is common. It’s important to recognize that this guilt does not mean that the action was wrong. Reminding oneself of the reasons for setting the boundary and the benefits it brings can help in managing these feelings. Over time, as one becomes more accustomed to asserting their needs, the guilt often diminishes.

8. Be Persistent: It’s common for others to test or push back against newly set boundaries. Persistence is key. Reasserting boundaries calmly and consistently helps in reinforcing them. It’s also crucial to recognize that it’s okay if a relationship changes or even ends as a result of setting healthy boundaries; such changes can be an integral part of personal growth and healthier relational dynamics.

9. Self-Care: Engaging in self-care activities can bolster one’s resolve to maintain boundaries. Whether it’s engaging in a hobby, exercise, or simply taking time out to relax, self-care reinforces the notion that one’s needs are important and deserving of attention.

10. Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate each step taken towards effectively setting boundaries. Recognizing one’s own progress, no matter how small, can be a powerful motivator and can reinforce the positive aspects of setting and maintaining boundaries.

Setting boundaries is a skill that can be developed over time. For those who find it particularly challenging, it requires a multi-faceted approach involving self-reflection, communication skill development, support, and a shift in self-perception. It’s a journey that might be fraught with discomfort and resistance, both from within and from others, but the benefits it brings to one’s emotional health and relationships are profound and lasting. With patience, practice, and support, effective boundary setting can become a reality, leading to a more balanced, fulfilling, and respectful way of interacting with the world.

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Unraveling the Connection Between Anxiety and Codependency: A Path to Mental Wellness

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/unraveling-the-connection-between-anxiety-and-codependency-a-path-to-mental-wellness/

Anxiety is a common mental health problem that affects a large number of people all over the world. Anxiety can manifest in a variety of different ways, such as generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder. Codependency is an unhealthy relational pattern in which people overly depend on others for their sense of self-worth and validation. Codependency is a significant contributor to the development of anxiety and the worsening of anxiety symptoms. The article intends to delve into the complex relationship between anxiety and codependency, clarifying their negative impact on mental well-being and proposing solutions to break the cycle and nurture a healthy mindset. Specifically, the post will focus on illuminating the connection between anxiety and codependency as it relates to mental health.

Comprehending the concept of codependency

The roots of codependency can be traced back to dysfunctional family interactions, which are frequently characterised by emotional neglect, abuse, or addiction. Those who are brought up in such settings frequently acquire a great need for the validation and acceptance of others from the outside world, which often manifests in the form of codependent behaviours in their adult relationships. Codependents have a tendency to put the wants and feelings of others before of their own, which frequently comes at the expense of their own health and happiness. This continuous attention on other people generates an environment that is ideal for the development of worry.

The Relationship Between Anxiety and CodependencyCodependents have a profound and irrational dread of being abandoned or rejected, which stems from their insatiable desire to be validated and approved of at all times. Anxiety can be triggered in those who are always worried about losing the people on whom they rely, which can lead to excessive worrying, restlessness, and irritation.Codependents frequently suffer from low self-esteem and have the perception that they are unworthy of love and support from others. They are very dependent on the approval of others to determine their own value, which is a major contributor to their anxiety. Anxiety and self-doubt can be perpetuated when there is a constant need for reassurance and approval from others.Codependents have a difficult time setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, and they usually find themselves immersed in the relationships in which they are involved. Because of this lack of boundaries, individual identities get muddled, and it becomes difficult for codependents to distinguish their feelings from those of other people. As a result of this emotional entanglement, codependents internalise the stress and emotions of others around them, which increases their own level of worry.Codependents frequently have a feeling of compulsion to please other people in order to preserve their sense of self-worth. Because they fear confrontation and being rejected, they put the requirements of others ahead of their own requirements. Because of their unending need to make others happy, codependents live in a state of constant anxiety because they worry about upsetting or disappointing other people.

Strategies for a Healthier Mindset, with the Goal of Breaking the Cycle

Acquiring a healthy level of self-awareness is absolutely necessary in order to successfully break the cycle of codependency and anxiety. The first step in making a change is to become aware of and acknowledge patterns of codependence, as well as the impact these behaviours have on one’s mental health. Individuals may be able to obtain insights into their codependent behaviours and the underlying concerns that are motivating them by participating in therapy or engaging in exercises that encourage self-reflection.

It is essential to work on developing a healthy self-esteem in order to lessen feelings of worry and disrupt patterns of codependence. Participating in pursuits that foster self-care, self-compassion, and personal development might assist individuals in developing a more robust perception of their own value. Boosting one’s self-esteem and relieving anxiety can be accomplished by establishing and attaining personal goals and enjoying even the smallest of achievements.

Learning to set healthy boundaries is one of the most important skills you can acquire in order to stop the cycle of codependency. Codependents have a responsibility to put their own wants and feelings first, even if doing so causes them to let others down. A better boundary can be established and anxiety can be reduced by learning to communicate assertively and being skilled in the art of saying “no” when it is appropriate.

In order to effectively manage anxiety, it is vital to both participate in activities that reduce stress and cultivate good coping mechanisms. This involves engaging in activities such as mindfulness practise, maintaining a regular exercise regimen, obtaining support from relationships that are not dependent on one another, and investigating various methods of relaxing such as meditation or deep breathing.

Because breaking the cycle of codependency and anxiety may be so challenging, it is often necessary to seek the advice of a professional. Counsellors who specialise in codependency and anxiety can provide individuals with vital assistance and support, assisting them in navigating their feelings, cultivating healthy relationship patterns, and reducing the severity of their anxiety symptoms.

Anxiety and codependency commonly go hand in hand, which can result in a vicious cycle that has a substantial negative influence on a person’s mental health. The first step in freeing oneself from codependent habits and alleviating anxiety is to become aware of the connection between these two problems. Individuals can break the pattern and promote a healthier mentality by cultivating self-awareness, creating self-esteem, establishing boundaries, developing coping mechanisms, and getting professional advice when necessary. This can pave the way for a life that is more satisfying and free of anxiety.

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Codependency Is Not A Love Addiction

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-is-not-a-love-addiction/

What precisely is a love addiction? Does it exist? If it does, it is my firm belief that it has nothing to do with codependency. In this article, I will explain why many who see codependency as an addiction or an escape are wide of the mark. Even addiction itself is looked at in a different way these days. We are moving away from the ‘sick mind’ disease model to a more holistic way of looking at what drives it.

Codependents are not escaping or addicts of some sort. They are using relationships to function and bring stability in the only way they know.

I see it on websites and articles everywhere. Clients describe their codependency as an addiction. I have pontificated about it in previous articles and due to very prominent authors associating codependency with addiction, we might have come to accept that it should be viewed that way. The problem is that just the term ‘love addiction’ might be construed as something romantic and dream-like, something to aspire to. Nothing could be further from the truth. Codependency is an obsessive, compulsive, needy type of attachment that is more control than love. It is also not true that the addiction process that drives issues like alcohol and substance abuse are present in the codependency process. Codependency is a tool that helps people to function, not escape. If you agree, you may start to look at codependency in a whole new light.

I am a therapist that practices a lot of Internal Family Systems Therapy. I love its depth, common sense and the clarity it can bring. IFS as a basic theory looks at the idea of a ‘plural’ mind made up of parts. Most therapies believe in the ‘unitary’ mind, meaning essentially that the whole mind is troubled or sick at the time of diagnosis. This is the basis of the DSM which describes symptoms and labels individuals. IFS has an interesting take on the DSM and the disorders it describes in that most disorders can be seen as extreme parts protecting the Self from overwhelm. My own view is that while the DSM is a useful tool, it is too tied to therapists getting paid, leading to many people having a false diagnosis (and medication).

The parts described above, are with us at birth and are our birthright. They are not developed but are pushed into extreme positions to protect the Self. IFS believes that the Self can never be damaged or fragmented (as many therapies believe) but is protected by the parts forced into extreme positions by trauma. The Self is always there and needs to be rediscovered by working with the parts, accepting them (however extreme) and finding new roles for them. To do this, we have to find them, flesh them out by hearing their stories and freeing them. This helps to bring balance and harmony to the system. When we can do this, we will automatically return to Self mode, as described by the 8 C’s.

Most children up to a certain age will be in Self mode by default. They naturally know how to be creative, curious, connected and playful until they find that threatening to express and then the parts step in to protect the Self from being overwhelmed. There are various parts that can be described:

Exiles: These are parts that have been repressed, and they make their presence known through our sentiments, core beliefs, sensations, and behaviors. These parts were humiliated, ignored, abused, or neglected when they were children, and as a result, they are cast out of the system by other parts (described below) in order to prevent the emotional suffering they cause from becoming overwhelming for the system as a whole. In order to accomplish this goal, we put forth a significant amount of psychic energy.

Proactive protectors or Managers: These proactive parts focus on learning, functioning, being prepared and stable. Managers use hyper-vigilance to prevent exiles from being triggered and flooding the system with emotion. They are hard working and determinedly use various tactics to keep us task-oriented and impervious to feelings. They do this with criticism, shaming, workaholism and perfectionism. People who see the Self through Managers display rigid thinking and a need for control. They rarely take risks and will see change as dangerous.

Reactive protectors or Firefighters: These parts share the same purpose as Managers but do it in a different way. Firefighters are like First Responders and react after the Exiles have broken through the Manager’s firm grip to exhibit emotion and triggering. Firefighters are the ultimate escape from this pain and can be fierce and use extreme measures like alcoholism and drug taking, binge-eating, excessive shopping, promiscuity, cutting and ultimately suicidal thoughts. We must also be aware that the Managers and Firefighters can be in conflict with each other in extreme ways which can be extremely negative for the psyche.

So where does my theory come in? If you look at the descriptions above, codependency is more of a means to function rather than escape. Managers shame and criticise the codependent and tell them that they need to forego their needs in order to feel safe in a relationship. Managers shame codependents when they think about their needs and subsequently protect the Self from feelings of abandonment and ‘not being good enough’ experienced in childhood. It is not an escape but as means to function. The Managers also drive the Drama Triangle, the means of codependent control. Managers tell codependents that they are not capable of being alone and also drive ‘fixing’, anger and victimhood. Codependents are not escaping or addicts of some sort. They are using relationships to function and bring stability in the only way they know by controlling their codependent object.

Codependents can only heal by accessing the Self, the core of psychic balance and harmony, the seat of consciousness and the inner source of olive. The Self can show up in the energy of positive feeling states such as calmness, connectedness, curiosity, courage, compassion, playfulness and love or with an individual sense of being present.

Once codependents can find this sense of Self, self-energy and self compassion, the world looks very different.