Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/practical-boundaries-how-to-set-them-say-them-and-stick-to-them/
A lot of the work I do in the therapy is helping client with understanding boundaries. That emotional space that many people like to cross into if you let them. Healthy as they are, we all have problems setting them and even more trouble maintaining them. We often see them as conflict and fear the reaction from the “injured” party.
Most people don’t struggle with setting boundaries because they don’t understand the concept, they struggle because setting boundaries creates discomfort. The moment one is set, it produces a range of emotions, guilt, fear of conflict or reaction, fear of being disliked or seen as being difficult or selfish. This is especially the case if you grew up in an environment where “reading the room” and managing other’s moods or learning that to be loved meant you needed to be useful. So for most, setting a boundary poses a risk and often a risk not worth taking.
This is why a boundary has to be practical and not turned into a speech, debate or a conversation as to why you are setting it. A boundary should be seen as a clear “line in the sand” concerning what you will and won’t do to protect your time, your dignity and your wellbeing. In practice, a boundary is about your behavior. If you over-explain, it’s not a boundary, it’s a request.
Yet, setting a boundary is a relatively simple exercise. It consists of two parts, firstly the line, (what you are or aren’t available for) and secondly the following-through (what you will do if the line is crossed). It is effective when both parts are about you and not about controlling them. A useful template is “ I’m sorry, I’m not available for X, If X happens, I will Y”. For example, on time: “I’m not available for calls after 8pm, if you call after then, I will call you back the next day”, or stronger: “If you shout at me, I will end the call and we will need to try another time to speak”.
In the above examples, there is no lecture or accusation or justification. There is no request for agreement. You are just stating what you will do. This is truly important to realise because people will often try to test new boundaries being set, not always in a malicious way, but because they have learnt they can. Your job is to put the boundary across kindly (tone of voice matters) without turning it into a debate. Say it once, repeat it once if needed then follow through with it.
Many boundaries fail through over-explanation. The boundary is stated and then comes the case building. That is: reasons, details, apologies and softening phrases until the boundary is so diluted that it ceases to exist or your boundary sounds like a maybe. A practical “no” has three steps: a clear no ( No, I can’t), an optional short reason, (It doesn’t work for me) and then stop talking. If you want to add some warmth, add the following, “I hope you find someone who can”, but don’t defend your reasons. If they push back, repeat “I can’t”, same words, same tone. This is not coldness, it’s clarity and avoids being dragged into managing their emotional reactions.
Time boundaries are often where please pleasing hides and if you are always free in the eyes of others, then your schedule will be full of other’s wishes. A practical and effective method is to decide your availability before anyone asks. Block out your non-negotiables first, sleep routine, work, exercise, mealtimes, admin time and downtime. Then produce slots where you are available for others to see or help. When someone asks, don‘t say “any time“, offer two options and if neither works, look into the week after.
In our modern world, phone and texting boundaries are needed more than ever. Constant texting from others can be overwhelming and cause small and frequent interruption in our day. The expectation of a quick reply produces pressure to drop boundaries to avoid guilt. Choose one rule that might be easy to keep, such as, “I don‘t text while I‘m at work“ or “I answer texts twice a day unless they are important. Please call if it is”. If someone keeps probing this with texts like “hello?”, don’t feel the need to reply straight away. Reply according to the rules you have set yourself.
Some boundaries need enforcing straight away and some you can take time to think about. It is never too late to set one but some are needed immediately. Such is the case with people who interrupt or steamroll their way through conversations. In these cases, an effective method is to stop them, state what you need and act. “I’m going to stop you there, I need to finish my sentence”. If it continues, don’t get louder, just pause. When the other is finished, name the consequence. “I’m going now, we can continue this when I’m not constantly interrupted” (Tone is everything here). This is not punishment but protection and the consequence should be immediate, predictable and something done without performance.
It is in the area of family that many people have the most issues with boundary setting. Family know how to push your buttons because they mostly installed them. With family, it is often about fewer words not more. Pick one line and stick to it. Examples are “I’m not discussing my relationship”, “I’m not talking about my weight” or “If we keep shouting, I am leaving”. Use a simple two-phase method. Phase one, state the line, phase two, act ( end the call, leave the room, go home). The skill here is to tolerate their disappointment without trying to fix it.
The main reason people don’t set boundaries is the fear of the aftermath. From others you might get sulking, guilt trips, sarcasm or comments like, “ Oh, you’ve changed!”. You need to plan for the aftermath to happen and how you will deal with it. Helpful, is to use a simple response to avoid getting dragged into over explanation or justification. Acknowledge, restate, exit. “ I hear you but my decision is the same”. If more pushback comes, “Sorry, I’m not discussing this further”, then stop engaging. Internally, you may feel guilt, anxiety or a strong compulsion to fix the situation. Don’t treat these as a moral verdict, look at them as a nervous system reaction to doing something new.
Dr Nicholas Jenner
Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.
