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In My 16 Years of Recovery

By Scott V.

In my 16 years of Recovery, my sobriety has taken on many different appearances. The early
stages kept me looking over my shoulder to detect who was keeping an eye on me and
watching each step that I was taking. This was a result of growing up in a small town and so
many people knowing my family, I found myself living a double life. This was a life of hiding my
emotions and not allowing others to see who I really was. I did not even know myself.

In the earlier years of my life, I found myself feeling uncomfortable while I received feedback on
how others saw me. The uncertainty of how my actions were being interpreted by my peers kept
me in a constant state of shame. I avoided strong emotions because my family would tell me
quite often that I could be read like a book. So, I started pushing them down internally and
trying to not show my feelings. I would not be willing to share intimate things about my feelings
with my peers, this would force me to be vulnerable and make me feel weak. I felt that if others
knew the “real me”, they wouldn’t like me.

UK-Rehab published an article on their website a short time ago that gave me additional
information of what Emotional Sobriety looked like for people that struggle with items in their life.
They showed eight signs that allow us to see if someone is on the right track in his/her recovery:

  1. You are living more in the moment.
  2. You do not have the need to run away from life.
  3. You spend more time thinking about others.
  4. You are no longer interested in any mind-altering substances.
  5. You appreciate all the good in your life.
  6. You tend to have a positive outlook on life.
  7. You rarely experience strong emotions.
  8. You find it easy to regulate your own behaviors.

Many people see recovery as simply deciding to stop using a substance and committing to long-
term sobriety. This is far from the truth. Recovering from substance abuse and addiction
involves many different things, and sobriety is just one part of recovery. When I was introduced
to the idea of developing my own Relapse Prevention plan, I began to avoid putting myself in
situations that tempted me to fall back into my previous ways of life. I began to not sit idle on
the couch and look at the television. Keeping my mind engaged in reading books that
encouraged me and challenged me to remain aware of things that took place coming for the
dark side of my past. I began to read my Bible more often and spent more time in prayer to my
God helped me avoid an idle mind. In 2014, I began to throw disc golf. This was an exchange
for several habits that I had in a previous stage of life. I was introduced in my first Step Study to
replace old habits with new ones that kept my mind occupied.

I am employed by a treatment center in North Central Arkansas and have the opportunity to
spend time with adolescent males and build relationships with those that are open to
connection. I find myself working my steps daily and am constantly looking inward to gain an
understanding of the man that my God intends me to be. Currently, I am addressing my Step 12
and how I can put back into the program that has helped me over the past 15+ years. Every
morning, I spend at least 1 hour sitting with my wife and continue to examine my inner self to be
the best husband, father & granddad that I can be. I hope that I continue to have the
opportunity to attend weekly meetings and God continues to place people on my path to give
service to.

I am appreciative for the opportunity to add back into the program that has helped me in so
many ways.

By

Core Beliefs

Originally posted at: theresstillhope.org

Patrick Carnes has identified four basic core beliefs of every sex addict:

  1. Something is wrong with me.
  2. If you knew me, you wouldn’t love me.
  3. I can’t depend on anyone but myself.
  4. My greatest need is sex.

At the root of every addiction is an intimacy disorder. Usually, this manifests itself with insecurity and low self-esteem. Perhaps now is a good time to remind you of your identity in Christ. Celebrate the following.

You are accepted (Romans 15:7), chosen (John 15:16), and free (Galatians 4:7). You are forgiven (1 John 1:9), a new person (2 Corinthians 5:17), and a child of God (John 1:12). Further, you are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and you belong to Jesus (1 Corinthians 3:23).

Your “addict” is sending you one message. Your Savior is sending you a different message. Which one are you going to believe?

Recovery Step: Claim your identity in Christ.

By

The Panicking Initial Reaction

Originally posted at: https://sexuallypuremen.beehiiv.com/p/panicking-initial-reaction

“It is my initial reaction that always gets me in trouble,” said Ray about his inability to be present with his wife Claire when she is grieving. “The hardest part is those first few seconds when I see that look on her face or she says something I take as critical of me. I let panic and fear grab hold and block the proper response I should have for her.” 

“It is frustrating because I know what I should do to help her,” he continued. “Yet I still fail because of that initial reaction. She deserves better, and I want to be there for her, but I keep giving into the initial reaction.”

Ray’s confession about his struggle to support his grieving wife, Claire, echoes a sentiment shared by many men. He speaks of the paralyzing effect of his initial reaction, a response driven by fear and panic, which inhibits him from offering the comfort and support his wife deserves. You would not believe me if I told you how often men I counsel shared similar concerns. I, too, deal with this issue — the Panicking Initial Reaction — from time to time. 

Consider the scenario of a husband committed to sobriety but is continuously triggered when his wife wants to discuss his betrayal. His inner child, scarred by past experiences of criticism and inadequacy, interprets her words as an impending threat. His body instantly responds with a cascade of stress hormones, while his rational mind, overwhelmed by emotion, struggles to engage constructively with his spouse. His Inner Child is telling him, “We’re in trouble.”  

His Little Boy recalls memories of ongoing criticism from his mother, leading to feelings of inadequacy. With his wife’s comments — she is doing nothing wrong, by the way — this husband is about to enter the realm of fight, flight, or freeze.

He will not only experience mental and emotional distress but also a strong physical response — all in a period of milliseconds. His autonomic nervous system will spring into action, and the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking, will begin to shut down. The result? The husband will be left feeling defensive and combative or withdrawing and unable to engage in constructive dialogue.

What lies at the heart of his Panicking Initial Response is rooted in negative childhood experiences. At the moment, these men become fearful of being wrong, getting in trouble, and not measuring up, to name a few. These negative narratives carried by their Inner Child are the result of unresolved trauma or neglect that continue to haunt them today. Though buried deep within, those early wounds resurface when triggered by similar situations in adulthood.

Good News and Bad News

So, what should you do when confronted with the Panicking Initial Reaction? The first step is to understand that it is not completely going away. That is the bad news. The initial reaction will continue to occur because of your hypersensitive Inner Child.

The good news is you can desensitize the initial reaction. This can be accomplished by quickly identifying the mood shift and taking a few seconds to recalibrate, therefore limiting its impact. The process looks like this:

1. Recognize the Shift: When you feel the emotional jolt, take a deep breath and acknowledge what is happening. Troubling past experiences trigger you but do not define your present reality.

  1. Slow Everything Down: Resist the urge to stay with the initial reaction. Instead, slow down and decide to change how you are feeling. Remind yourself you are not reliving the past; it is only an emotion being triggered by an unrelated event that seems similar.
  1. Engage Rational Thinking: Challenge the distorted perception fueled by your Inner Child. Remember that your spouse’s concerns or criticisms are not identical to your past pain points. It may feel that way, but what you feel is inaccurate. In fact, she may not be expressing criticism.
  1. Return to the Present: Redirect your attention to your wife’s pain point and stay on the Pain Field with her. Do not shift to the fields of explaining, defensiveness, dishonesty, or aggression. Instead, re-engage in the conversation from a place of confidence and compassion.

This entire sequence should take less than 15 seconds. If needed, take a brief break (five minutes or less) to process this before returning to the conversation.  

Additionally, proactive planning can be a valuable tool in managing the Panicking Initial Reaction. Sit and outline potential triggers and identify typical scenarios in which you experience the initial reaction. Then, map out how you will handle those situations differently when faced with those circumstances. Spend time reviewing the ideas you have captured daily, allowing you to quickly regain confidence once the initial reaction has occurred.

The Panicking Initial Reaction is a manifestation of fear that can be softened with practice and self-awareness. By being aware of your responses and reclaiming control over your emotions, you can stay more connected with your spouse in her time of need. Your initial reaction does not have to dictate the outcome; you have the power to rewrite the script.

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs.