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Five Strategies to Quit P*rn That Don’t Work

Originally posted at: https://thehealingheromovement.com/2024/09/09/five-strategies-to-quit-prn-that-dont-work/

Here are five strategies to quit p*rn that do not work.

1.) Try Harder

You buckle down, make promises to yourself that you will stop, and “white knuckle” your way to freedom. You tell yourself, “this will be the last time.” You delete the apps or change your devices or try to avoid circumstances where you are alone. You might experience a brief period of sobriety, but the addiction comes back. The temptation is too much, and you succumb to the ritual. You act out. You tell yourself, “THAT was FOR SURE the last time.” You try harder, but eventually act out again.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Trying harder does not work.

2.) Self Punish

You punish yourself in the hopes that more discipline is the way to freedom. Maybe you put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it every time you have a “bad thought.” Maybe you give money away to a charitable cause every time you act out. Maybe you deprive yourself of good things in the hopes that your self-inflicted wounds would motivate you to change. But nothing changes. Eventually you act out again, only this time you feel even worse. You move into further isolation. You start to hate yourself and grow a little more hopeless. You feel shame and you repeat the process.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Punishing yourself does not work.

3.) Perform Spritually

You focus intensely on spiritual practices. You go to church more. You pray more. You memorize scripture. You make promises to God and your spiritual leaders. You attend special church services for healing and delivery. You feel great about your efforts and rightfully put your hope in God to free you from unwanted sexual behavior. You put forth your “best self” in front of others. You create and display an image that you are a “good Christian,” but deep down you feel shame about your addiction. But before you know it, you are fighting with yourself once again. The lust returns. You act out. You feel immense shame. You confess and apologize to God, and you vow to change… again. Spirituality is an important component of a comprehensive approach to healing, but “trying harder through spiritual practices” or “creating an image” you think God or others would like does not work. It certainly did not work for me. How has it worked out for you?

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Performing spiritually does not work.

4.) Rely on Software Blockers

You download accountability software on your devices to “block” you from accessing p*rn. You might even give someone else the password so that you have “no way” of messing with the settings. Ok, you can’t access your go-to sites, and you now have a new challenge in front of you. As your intense desires and temptations come to the surface, your brain steps into search mode. You begin to surf around the edges to find material that “satisfies the craving.” You become more and more creative with your searches and find new ways to circumvent the blocking software. You quickly realize that there is always a way to find sexual material in this ever complex digital world. Blocking access to certain sites or apps can be a helpful tool when starting out and as part of a comprehensive plan to pursue healing and integrity, but be honest with yourself. The blocker does not solve your problems. You still act out.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Relying on software blockers alone does not work.

5.) Rely on an Accountability Partner

You get an accountability partner. This sounds like a good strategy – and it can be – but our definition of what an accountability partner is needs to change. In many circles, an accountability partner is someone you recruit as a trusted ally with whom you can disclose every time you act out. You give them a call or shoot them a text when you mess up. They act as a “cop” to oversee your behaviors. The reality is, the relationship is a setup for deception. Before you know it, you just end up lying to them and to yourself. The shame and hopelessness is too much to bear, and you keep the truth to yourself. It’s a heavy truth. It’s a heavy shame. You continue to act out in secret.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This type of accountability does not work.

So what DOES work?!

Ok, so what DOES work? How do we gain lasting freedom from unwanted sexual behavior?

The problem with all these strategies is that they fail to get to the root of the problem. These are surface level attempts to stop a behavior. To truly experience healing and freedom, we need to uncover and address the root issues that are driving the behavior in the first place.

Why do you struggle with unwanted sexual behavior? This is such a powerful and revealing question.

When I was deep in my addiction, I answered the question by saying something along the lines of, “because I’m a sicko,” or “because I am not strong enough to stop.”

WRONG. That is not why we struggle with unwanted sexual behavior.

Sexual addictions are not about sex. Your unwanted sexual behavior is a symptom of unresolved emotional needs and wounds beneath the surface of your life – oftentimes beneath the surface of your own consciousness.

Until you identify the root issues behind your struggle, all these attempts will have short lasting impact. Trying to resolve your struggle with these strategies is like trying to use Neosporin to fix organ failure. It won’t work.

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Anger: our best friend.

originally posted at: https://samanthatorreslpc.com/2023/06/18/25/

“I want my anger to be healthy. I want my anger not to control” – James Hetfield

Take a moment to do a quick body scan. Bring your attention to your jaw, shoulders and neck area. Are they tight, clenched, or uncomfortable?

These are the areas where we may be likely to carry unprocessed ANGER or resentment.

Many of us have seen the destructive effects of anger throughout our lives whether it was a parent’s out of control anger, a partner’s punishing rage or simply justified expressed anger that was met with judgements and labels.

Our anger is sacred. It is the part of us that stands up for us the most when our mind wants to downplay how we’re feeling or make excuses for another person’s behavior. It’s the protective fire that prevents others’ from walking all over us. It’s the quiet urging that something unjust has occurred. Anger shows us where our boundaries are located.

When we don’t acknowledge it, it has one of two options. To slowly tear us down from within or be unleashed once we’re pushed too far. In my experience, individuals with high empathy tend to do the former due to having an acute awareness of how other’s may be affected by unleashed anger but ultimately it comes out leading to guilt, fear and further repression.

How we express our anger is what matters.

Is this anger being acknowledged, controlled, purposeful, protective, balancing or destructing what no longer serves me? Think of a controlled burn that’s done to prevent wild fires down the road.

Is this anger reactionary, punishing, vengeful, out of control?

Examples of healthy anger expression: Cathartically writing an angry letter and burning it, confronting someone about their behavior, standing up for others, screaming into the void (not kidding there is an entire method called “Primal Therapy” if you want to read more about it here.)

Anger Mantras

My anger is sacred.

I am allowed to be angry.

I am in control of my anger.

It is safe to feel my anger.

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Porn Prayer

Originally posted at: https://potefwi.wordpress.com/2024/09/03/porn-prayer

Lord, before I plan to click on that image, remind me that what I will see is your image-bearer.

A son of Adam or a daughter of Eve who must not be an object of my exploitation because he or she is either an object of your just wrath or an object of your glorious grace.

I deserve the former, but you’ve given me the latter. So, make me a vessel of your grace. King David’s cup overflowed when he set his mind on you. Jesus said he is a spring of living water that never runs dry. Quench the deepest longings of my soul with yourself, dear Father. You who made me for Yourself.

You, Jesus, who turn scavengers into life givers because we are nourished by you. Have mercy on me, a sinner.

Show me the falsehood of what porn pretends to offer me. Show me the poison that it is. And turn me from a taker to a lover who is so full of you that I am free to love, with your love, an honest love, a giving love, a confident love, a bold love.

Set my heart, and my eyes, on the higher affections of Jesus Christ that I might imitate him. Empower me to see all people through your eyes, and with your heart. And help me to trust you to meet my real needs, in your time, and in your way.

Amen.

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Interdependence vs Codependence

Originally posted at: https://samanthatorreslpc.com/2024/08/12/interdependence-vs-codependence/

The distinctions that keep our relationships healthy

This topic comes up often in sessions since relationships are a huge part of our of emotional wellbeing. Relationships form the foundation of our emotional lives, shaping how we see ourselves and the world around us. Yet, not all relationships are created equal. The dynamics that define them can range from codependency, where one or both partners rely excessively on each other for emotional needs, to interdependency, a healthier state of mutual support and autonomy. Understanding the difference between these two relationship dynamics is crucial for fostering healthy connections.

What is Codependency?

I wrote a previous blog post explaining this in depth if you want to check that out but briefly, codependency often manifests in relationships where one partner (or both) sacrifices their own needs to meet the needs of the other. This dynamic can be subtle, with behaviors that initially seem caring or supportive but gradually become unhealthy.

Key Characteristics of Codependency:

1. Excessive Caretaking: One partner often takes on the role of the caretaker, placing the other’s needs above their own, sometimes to the point of neglecting their own well-being.

2. Loss of Identity: In a codependent relationship, one or both partners may lose their sense of self, becoming so enmeshed in the relationship that their identity becomes tied to the other person.

3. Fear of Abandonment: Codependent individuals may have an overwhelming fear of being alone or abandoned, which drives them to maintain the relationship at all costs, even if it’s unhealthy.

4. Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are often blurred or non-existent in codependent relationships. The codependent partner(s) may struggle to say no or assert their own needs. 5. Emotional Manipulation: In some cases, codependent relationships can involve emotional manipulation, where one partner controls or influences the other’s behavior to maintain the relationship.

What is Interdependency? Interdependency, on the other hand, is a healthy relationship dynamic where both partners are mutually supportive, yet maintain their own identities and autonomy. This dynamic allows for a balance between intimacy and independence, where both individuals feel valued and respected.

Key Characteristics of Interdependency:

1. Mutual Support: In an interdependent relationship, both partners support each other’s growth, dreams, and goals. They act as a team, providing encouragement and assistance without sacrificing their own needs.

2. Healthy Boundaries: Interdependent relationships are marked by clear and respectful boundaries. Each partner knows where they stand, and there is an understanding of personal space and individual needs.

3. Individual Identity: Unlike in codependent relationships, partners in an interdependent relationship maintain a strong sense of self. They have their own interests, hobbies, and friendships outside of the relationship.

4. Balanced Power Dynamics: Power is shared equally in an interdependent relationship. Decisions are made collaboratively, with both partners having an equal say.

5. Open Communication: Interdependent partners communicate openly and honestly, addressing issues as they arise. They feel safe expressing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or rejection.

Why the Distinction Matters

Understanding the difference between codependency and interdependency is crucial because it affects the health and longevity of a relationship. Codependent relationships often lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional distress, as the imbalance of power and unmet needs eventually take a toll. Interdependent relationships, however, are built on a foundation of trust, respect, and mutual support, allowing both partners to thrive individually and together.

Transitioning from Codependency to Interdependency

If you recognize codependent patterns in your relationship, it’s possible to shift towards a more interdependent dynamic.

Here are some steps to consider:

1. Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your own needs, desires, and boundaries. Understanding yourself better is the first step towards establishing a healthier relationship.

2. Set Boundaries:** Practice setting and respecting boundaries within your relationship. This might involve saying no to things that don’t align with your needs or making time for your own interests.

3. Encourage Independence:** Support your partner’s individuality and encourage them to pursue their own goals and interests. Likewise, prioritize your own independence and self-care.

4. Seek Professional Help:** Therapy, either individually or as a couple, can be incredibly beneficial in addressing codependent behaviors and developing healthier relationship patterns.

5. Communicate Openly:** Foster an environment of open and honest communication. Share your feelings, listen to your partner, and work together to create a relationship that supports both of your needs.

“Please be gentle with yourself as this takes time and there will almost certainly be push back when you begin to shift this dynamic as the other party may feel you are “neglecting” them or it may bring up feelings of abandonment that they need to work through. Know you are doing something HEALTHY and out of love”

Conclusion

Healthy relationships are built on the principles of interdependency, where both partners are free to be themselves while also supporting each other. By understanding the differences between codependency and interdependency, we can create more fulfilling and balanced relationships that allow for personal growth and mutual happiness.

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Step Seven – Being Humble

Journal about what you believe it is to be humble. What does it mean to you? Where do you see yourself being humble and what actions have you taken that show your humanity?

Humility is about embracing who I truly am instead of striving to be something more perfect, more impressive, or more powerful. It’s about sincerely being me: the imperfect human, made in the image of God, redeemed by the blood of Jesus, adopted as a beloved son, and given the Holy Spirit to grow in the likeness of Christ. The Twelve and Twelve defines humility as a clear recognition of what and who I really am, followed by a sincere attempt to become what I could be. Which means that humility is also about embracing God as God and my willingness to honor him and follow him as such. Humility is surrender. It’s turning my life and will over to the care of God, kneeling to his authoritative will.

The opposite of humility then is self-reliance. Before recovery, there were massive portions of my life that I refused to give up control of. My own self ruled. I wanted things to be my way. I voiced faith in God and liked the idea of good character and being perceived as someone with good character but I only wanted “good character” if it benefited me. I wasn’t willing to actually surrender that which threatened my image, my self-medicating behaviors, my ideals, or even my core self-contempt. But as long as I tried to play God, I couldn’t actually know him with intimacy or follow God with humility.

Thankfully, God has blessed me with repeated humiliations to crush my self-sufficiency. The pain and suffering I experience as a consequence of my self-reliance, character defects, and addiction are gifts that have helped lead me to freedom. The only way I can say that and the only way that humility and surrender work is if God is all-loving and all-good. He has to be the God who is worth trusting with absolute power. The God who knows my needs, who guides my story, who hears my prayers and answers. This is the God who didn’t let me go on living my false self’s charade. He brutally exposed my lies, revealed my selfish sin, and outright broke my fake self-sufficiency. He put me in the position of having to accept my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life. He humiliated me to bless me with humility. He brought me to my knees so that I could truly surrender to him.

The only way for life to work is for God to be God and me to worship him as his beloved son. As long as I’m trying to be god, I’ll only reproduce the destruction I’ve already caused. My powerless life and compulsive behaviors only lead to one result. So it’s humility or death. Surrender or doom. There’s no in between.

What’s humility look like in my life? Practically getting on my knees each and every day before the living God. Committing my life to him each morning and praying your will be done. Saying, “I’ll obey your Word even if I don’t like it and I’ll accept what you bring into my life even if I don’t understand it. Not my will but your will be done.” Giving up control to obey the wisdom of my sponsor and other experienced voices in recovery, following their guidance instead of my own. Saying no to middle and inner circle behaviors that I justified before or believed weren’t immoral before. Building my schedule and rhythms around my recovery. Serving my wife however I can and adhering to her will without pushing back, keeping what’s most loving and helpful to her as my top priority. Refusing to believe the lies of self-contempt, be consumed by self-pity, or exert my own self-sufficient control by checking these feelings in with others in recovery and acknowledging their irrationality.

It’s also in surrendering the future of my marriage that humility has been most at work. The Holy Spirit’s led me to seeing that I have been loving and serving my wife for much of our separation, hoping it will produce the result of reconciliation between us. Which means that all my best deeds have been conditional. There’s been an expectation of outcome. But that’s ultimately self-reliant control – not humility. Instead, humility allows me to let God be God over our future and empowers me to be present to love my wife unconditionally and sincerely (instead of selfishly). Humility frees me to be grateful for what I have in the present and find joy instead of stressing over where the future will lead.

Again, I can only live this way if I can trust that God has me as the loving Father he is. I don’t need to fight for myself. I don’t have to prove anything. I don’t need to impress anyone. I don’t need to ensure I come out on top in the end. I don’t have to write my own story. He has me, he loves me, he’s leading me, he’s all-powerful, he’s all-good, he won’t abandon me, he won’t betray me, he’s sanctifying and shaping me, he’s leading me to glory, he’s worth trusting.