CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

K.LeVeq

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God’s Will…How the Heck Do I Find It????

I am a planner. I like to use “strategery.” If you don’t know that word, you are too young and should probably stop reading now. So anyway. I am a planner or as I like to say, a strategic thinker. Sounds so much better. I remember being in high school, coming to the end, and trying to figure out what was next. Where was I going to college? What was my career going to be? What was the PLAN????

I became very much a seeker at this time. Seeking out God’s will for my life. His plan. What was it and how do I find it? I asked Him to show me. I sought it out in every way I could. I read scripture, prayed, asked my parents. Always the same answer…He will reveal it in His timing. ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!! Are you serious? Really? Ok, I will wait. Only…I never got it. No great revelation, no burning bush, no master plan.

I spent the next 30 years following my own plan. Oh, I prayed. And bargained. Sought His strategic vision for my life, especially when things went very wrong as happened quite a lot. When He didn’t provide it to me, I just kept driving and following my own way. My own best decisions led me to unemployment, leaving my wife and family, sons who wouldn’t speak to me, spiritually bankrupt, and financially unstable. My plan worked out really well!

After much forced humility, soul searching, surrender, and brokenness, God has shown me His will…daily. Not in a large, strategic, forward looking way. Just day by day. It took me learning to live one day at a time to realize that He was right beside me, hoping to guide me if I would just surrender.

God’s will becomes apparent to me a step at a time. He reveals it in His timing but in how I didn’t expect. After I worked step 3, turning my life and my WILL over to the care of God, I began to see how He reveals His will to me. When I listen, seek His guidance in my daily minute by minute life, He reveals more. Only He hasn’t so far given me the larger plan.

I recently began work on a Masters in Addiction Counseling degree. God made it very plain to me through prayer, His word, and many of you that I should pursue this. So I have. Only He didn’t tell me how to pay for it, how to navigate, how to get to graduation and practice. He let me know much as He let Abram know…get up and go. I will get you there. Scary but freeing.

In 2016, as I stared down the end of my marriage and life as I knew it, I first truly recognized God’s guidance in my life at the age of 48. He clearly told me that I needed to do a full disclosure of my sexual immorality to my wife. He promised me I would survive. He didn’t reveal how that would look or what would happen in between. That is the first time in my life that I stepped aside, and as my friend Dan says, “let Him drive.” 

What I found was His decisions and plans are better than mine. The last 4+ years have been wonderful, ugly, painful, full of joy, full of sorry and damage. I survived. My marriage survived. My boys speak to me. I don’t know how we got here. I just know I didn’t drive.

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Amends…Should I?

We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. – Step 9

Amends. Amends are defined as to compensate or make up for a wrongdoing. For me, Step 9 seemed overwhelming and terrifying. But necessary. Something I couldn’t not do. By the time I reached this step, I had been in recovery for almost a year. I had disclosed my wrong doings to my wife, read my first step in front of a room full of men at a Castimonia meeting, and shared my step five, the core of my addiction, with a friend who had no idea what addiction was or the impact on others. Making amends didn’t seem like a choice more like a given. 

After I made amends…to my wife, my kids, my mother, former co-workers, my friends…I got to see God work in the aftermath first hand. Some of those relationships ended. A few without acknowledgment. A couple of former co-workers heard my amends and dismissed them, choosing to hold on to who I was and what I had done before. 

Many relationships gained a level of closure. My mother and were strained at the end of her life. I loved her but couldn’t have her negativity and unhealthiness as a part of my every day. I was able to get to a detente, a peace, with her. I explained to her how I felt I had wronged her, how my behavior had been disappointing and detrimental to her and my father. She didn’t want to hear it, wanting to excuse it and let me off easily, but I asked her to let me finish. She did, was gracious, and we had the rest of her time together without walls between us.

Some relationships have been restored. My oldest son saw the betrayal I had towards him and his brother and mother, and completely shut me out for over a year. He refused to speak to me or acknowledge me. He sought his own healing and recovery, found it, and in the process allowed me to be his Dad again. My youngest son only asked me to do one thing…don’t lie to him anymore. 

And my wife…my wife has spent the last 3 plus years trying to muscle past the totality of deception and hurt I inflicted on her, forget it, bury it deep, and act as if it didn’t happen.  She did so because she thought that would restore our relationship, not seeing that she needed that time to recover and heal. When the hurt and resentments became too much for her, she started seeing a counselor, finding health and allowing our two to become one again.

But what if I hadn’t chosen to make amends? What would have happened? This question occurred to me while reading Proverbs. In chapter 5, starting in verse 11, Solomon reveals a picture of a man at the end of his life, lamenting the results of his adultery and refusal to repent:

“And when you groan at your latter end, When your flesh and your body are consumed; And you say, “How I have hated instruction! And my heart spurned reproof! And I have not listened to the voice of my teachers, Nor inclined my ear to my instructors! I was almost in utter ruin in the midst of the assembly and congregation.”

I had a very good friend who passed away about a year ago. He knew me before and after recovery. We had similar jobs, boys who were close in age, and met for coffee together over the years. In the midst of my early recovery, he confessed to me that he and his wife had separated, and that he had fallen in love with another woman from work. I asked if he had been pursuing that relationship prior to leaving his wife…and he wouldn’t answer. 

We spoke a number of times over the next few months. Through his divorce, cancer diagnosis, new marriage, and pain and dismay at the toll all of this was taking on his boys. His health deteriorated and his personal life continued to be a source of constant regret. Prior to his death, he told me that he never should have divorced his first wife, that he regretted the impact on his sons, his family, and his legacy. His legacy…that got my attention.

Recently I was talking with a great friend in recovery. He was stuck in his step work and reached out for help much as I have reached out to him in the past. You know how you meet guys who you can just see what God is going to do through them for others, he is one of those guys. He was asking a couple of us experienced (older I think is what he actually meant) guys on how he can get motivated to move forward. I shared with him the impact of amends. The gift of giving that to your wife, your friends, your kids, your co-workers…giving them that opportunity to release that hurt and resentment. Of how he was depriving them of that chance to let go. 

What I missed at the time was also what he was missing. He was missing the front row seat to watch God work in hurt, resentment, difficulty, pain…and use it for His will. And to build a new legacy…one of transparency, humility, and submission to God.

Not a bad way forward.

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Being Present

Checking out was my way of being selfish. When I reflect on how I was before, it’s hard for me to understand how I could purposefully miss so much. That’s exactly what I did, purposefully miss so much of my marriage. Events in my sons’ lives that seemed small at the time but seem gigantic now. Thinking about those specific times, I feel like an outsider. Around sometimes but never fully there. Just on the periphery. Watching but not participating. Missing all the important moments.

As I think about many of those times now, I can’t for the life of me understand how pursuing personal gratification was more important than my wife or my boys. The list of events I missed is long. The number of things I was physically present for and mentally absent is much much longer. A lot of those times I remember from photos but the actual memories are a blur. Like I saw a snippet of a video but didn’t really see the whole thing. I have the Cliff’s notes version of parts of my memories. 

I am reminded of what I have missed by those that were present. My wife and I are remodeling a house and preparing to move. We were pulling out old pictures and came upon some from my oldest son’s junior year. It was when he had a lead role in his high school play. I made it back for the performance after having revealed to my wife and sons that I wanted to leave them. My wife let me know that I could come home if I would walk away from that affair partner. I took the way out and ran towards home. Only I still wasn’t completely present. 

My oldest son saw the picture and the look on his face. He commented how painful that time was. How justified he and his brother were for hating me during that time. Later, I realized how much he hated me. In that picture, during that moment, I had no idea. Looking at his face in that photo now, I see the pain and hurt at one of the most important times in his life. That pain and hurt is ingrained in his expression because of me. I feel like throwing up just thinking about it and what I did to him.

My youngest son likes to go to Starbucks for coffee, really because he likes getting out of the house and driving. He is graduating from high school this year. Any time he asks me to ride with him, I go. We were recently driving when a song came on the radio. He got very quiet. I didn’t understand what was going on. He immediately turned off the music, which is very unlike him. I asked him what was going on. 

“I can’t listen to that song,” he said.

“Why not,” I asked? “What’s wrong with it?”

“Don’t you remember it,” he asked?

“No, I don’t. Should I?”

“It was popular when you and Mom were fighting so much. Right after you came back home.”

Ugh. I could see the lines at the corners of his mouth turning down. The stress across his brow. The pain that hadn’t dissipated from four years prior. Still just under the surface.

“I know you and I have talked a lot about that time. I just want you to know again how sorry I am for how I hurt you and your brother and especially your Mom. Nothing can excuse that. I am so sorry.”

“I know,” he said.

“You and I also talked about how I could make amends to you. The only way I know how is to be a good Dad, be present, and always tell you the truth. Is there anything else I can do,” I asked?

“No, just do that. Be honest. Tell me the truth. And be here.”

COVID-19 and the results of a global pandemic have been overwhelming to so many people. Sickness, death, job loss, economic hardship, food shortages, isolation. The effects are still being meted out on all of us. As I search through the circumstances of now and look for how God can use this for His benefit, the one area I see is the ability to be present. In the midst of all of this, I have been allowed to spend so much time with my wife and kids. Even as they are out of the house or about to be out, they have both been staying with us through this. I can’t even quantify how incredible this time has been with them.

Keith B. NotUnknown.com

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Thank you God for giving me an opportunity to be present.

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How’s your side of the street?

Psalm 94:19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Since COVID-19 took over our lives, I have struggled with worry. No, worry isn’t right. Anxiety is more accurate. It’s weird. I know I have experienced much worse situations. My wife discovering my infidelity. My sons not speaking to me for months after that. Losing my job multiple times. The death of both of my parents within 1 year of each other. Real devastating issues. For some reason, though…my anxiety has been crippling. Which really makes me laugh when I stop and think about how my current situation compares to previous experiences.

I haven’t slept well. For the last few weeks I have probably averaged 4-5 hours a night, tops. My schedule, stability, all are off. I like routine. I didn’t realize how important that was to me until recently. My routine isn’t routine. I can’t get into a groove. Work, life, marriage, my kids, my job, church. All are off. I don’t quite know what to do about it. So far I have just not done anything. Except whine, obviously.

My wife and I take walks every day. It’s part of our routine. A major part of our intimacy building. And something we just both crave. Even when I travel, which I usually do a lot for work, we take a walk together on a video call. It’s our time to catch up, listen, talk about our lives, the future, our boys, our struggles, our hopes, dreams…and then we stop on a bench along the lake and we pray together. This part of my day has been transformational for my marriage…and my own recovery. 

One of my wife’s strengths is that she is a truth teller. I didn’t recognize this until very recently. She has always been a truth teller. I just didn’t realize how important that part of her character was to me. I come from a family of untruth tellers. We hide stuff. We cover up. We don’t talk about things. We try to ignore them so they go away. We don’t want anyone to see under the tent. To know what exactly happens. That is my family of origin. And only later did I realize how shocking my wife had to have been to my family. She certainly was to me. 

So we stopped along the lake the other day, and we did what we always do. We started talking about what was on our minds. What we wanted to pray about. So she asked me,

“You have been really on edge. I am worried about you. What’s going on? Do I need to be worried?”

“No,” I said. “It’s just all this. Everything. My job, you, the boys, our finances. It’s a lot.”

“Is something wrong at work,” she asked? “What happened? I know you are having a hard time with your boss.”

“Yes, it’s just getting to me. I hate working on this project but I don’t want to not be on a project right now. Not a good time.”

“No, it’s not. Do you like the work still. Is it that? Or just your boss on this?”

“I don’t appreciate how this boss treats me. Nothing is ever right.”

“So let me ask you something. What do you tell your guys when you hear them complain that their wife isn’t responding fast enough, isnt recovering quick enough? What do you say?”

“I say to control what they can control. Take care of their side of the street. That’s all they can do. The rest is God’s job.”

“Yes, that is right,” she said. “So why are you spending all your energy freaking out about your boss? Why don’t you just do what you can do…your work. Do it the best way you can.”

That woman pisses me off sometimes. Especially when she is right. I would like to say since that conversation, I have slept well every night. I haven’t. I have stopped when my anxiety is ramped up and remembered step 3…that I committed to turn my life and my will over to the care of God. Including my anxiety. How’s your side of the street? Mine is still messy…but improving.

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Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast #23: The Perfect Storm

Bonus Episode 23 – The Perfect Storm 

Where were you when everything stopped? I was traveling for work. Asking why. 

I think that maybe just maybe…God is using this time because He knows it’s how he can bring so many back to Him. When they, like I did, reach the end of themselves.