Download this video at http://skitguys.com/videos/item/bagga… We’ve all got it and it’s really hard to let it go. In this skit, Tommy and Eddie give us a window into a young man’s life who seems to be dealt one blow after another and becomes weighed down with so much baggage. Can he let go and let God take control?
sexual purity
Taming the Unaffirmed Child
originally posted at: https://sexuallypuremen.beehiiv.com/p/taming-the-unaffirmed-child
The Unaffirmed Child is always hungry.
He’s scanning the room, the phone, the email, the text — looking for a crumb of approval or recognition. Not because he is selfish, but because somewhere along the way, he learned that being affirmed is an amazing way of feeling loved.
The Phone Call That Says It All
Picture this: a man dials his accountant’s office. The receptionist picks up with a bubbly voice and asks, “How are you doing?” It’s a throwaway greeting, the kind we all hear often.
A secure man might simply answer, “Doing well, thank you. Can I speak with Ken?” Quick, direct, and done.
But the man who has spent his childhood facing ongoing criticism or receiving little to no praise let’s his Unaffirmed Child takes the wheel on the call. “Oh, just enjoying the beautiful weather and spending lots of time on the lake. Do you like boating?” It sounds like polite small talk — and maybe it is — but it is also a hook. A way of testing if someone is interested. A subtle reach for affirmation.
How the Hunger Begins
This hunger rarely starts in adulthood. It begins in childhood, where some kids are praised, encouraged, and celebrated, while others are criticized, ignored, or treated as though their feelings do not matter. When you grow up starved for affirmation, you develop a radar for it. You start fishing for signs that you are liked, wanted, or valuable.
By the time adulthood arrives, the hunger feels automatic. You are not even aware you are doing it — you just know you are uncomfortable when the other person does not bite. And even if there is someone at home who is providing affirmation, that is not enough for this affirmation-starved individual. His praise-seeking cup is bottomless and he always needs more.
Breaking the Habit of Fishing
The shift begins with awareness.
1. Understand you are dealing with a powerful Unaffirmed Child.
2. Slow everything down and determine what is occurring that has activated your Inner Child. You do this by identifying your Core Emotional Triggers. Here are a handful that impact this Child:
· I feel unheard
· I feel small
· I am a disappointment
· I am a failure
· I feel insulted
3. Take time to work through the painful emotions and determine if they are accurate or not (here is a tip: they are not).
4. Determine how you should really feel about yourself and stay focused on those beliefs.
5. Prior to engaging with others, ask, “What’s my motive in speaking with this individual? Am I trolling for a compliment or connection?” Understand your mission when you are around others so as not to fall into temptation.
It sounds mechanical at first, but what you are doing is letting your adult self take action — the self that knows you have value.
Feeding the Child Without Starving the Man
The Unaffirmed Child does not go away just because you stop fishing for affirmation. He is still hungry. The key is to feed him something better than scraps of approval.
- Be compassionate and speak kind truths to yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do so.
- Surround yourself with a few safe people who know you well and can offer genuine encouragement.
- Spend time in quiet reflection — prayer and meditation — to ground your worth in something deeper.
That is the power of feeding the Unaffirmed Child. When you nurture him with genuine affirmation instead of scraps of attention, you stop chasing and start connecting. The hunger quiets. The man emerges.
Dr. Capparucci can be reached at innerchildmodel@gmail.com.
Castimonia Katy Saturday Meeting, January 31st – ZOOM ONLY
Our host church is holding an event tomorrow morning so we will not be able to meet in person and will be meeting via Zoom. Please email info@castimonia.org for the Zoom links.
Save The Date – 2026 Castimonia Retreat – November 13-15
The Dreaded Check-in
Originally posted at: https://sexuallypuremen.beehiiv.com/p/the-dreaded-check-in
by Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC
I am not sure there is any other tool in the recovery process that generates more universal groaning than the recovery check-in. It is resented. It is avoided. It is complained about on both sides of the aisle. And yet, ironically, it is one of the most powerful instruments for healing when done correctly.
But let us not get ahead of ourselves. Let us start with the complaints.
What the Betrayed Partner Says
“I ask him how recovery is going, and he never has anything to share.”
“He rushes through it like he’s trying to beat a parking meter.”
“He never schedules the check-ins—I have to chase him down.”
“He doesn’t share what’s actually going on inside him.”
“And somehow, no matter what I ask, he always ends up defensive.”
Translation: “I’m trying to feel safe with someone who emotionally vanishes the moment I need him to show up.”
What the Betrayer Says
“I don’t know what to say because I’m not doing anything wrong.”
“I dread these because they always lead to an argument.”
“She uses the check-in to batter me.”
“No matter what I say, it’s wrong or not good enough.”
Translation: “I still think this is about legal compliance and consequences and not emotional transformation.”
My gosh—what a nightmare.
On one side, a partner is desperate for emotional safety. On the other, a man in a full defensive posture, crouched behind emotional sandbags, terrified to schedule a check-in because he is convinced he is going to get whacked like an unsuspected mafia member. (I can talk about the mafia because I am Italian.)
And here is the real tragedy: both are missing the true purpose of the check-in. The check-in is not an inquisition. It is not supposed to feel like:
- A parole hearing
- A cross-examination
- A courtroom drama where one side brings evidence and the other pleads the Fifth
And it is most certainly not meant to be, “I didn’t act out. Are we done with this discussion?”
A check-in exists to create emotional safety through emotional presence. For the betrayed partner, the check-in is meant to answer one essential question: “Is the man in front of me today a little more emotionally developed than the one who showed up at our last check-in—or am I talking to the same version of him?”
Is he emotionally different?
· Can he feel?
· Can he regulate?
· Can he be honest without becoming defensive or lying?
· Can he sit with my pain without collapsing into shame or aggression?
That is what she is listening for. And she learns this when you share the following.
- What emotions did you experience this week?
- What triggered you emotionally?
- What felt overwhelming?
- Did you want to escape?
- What did you do instead of running?
- Which recovery tools did you use?
- Are you still struggling?
She is inquiring: “Are you learning to sit and manage your emotions—or are you still running from them and calling it sobriety?”
Because make no mistake, unmanaged emotions are the on-ramp to relapse. Always has been. Always will be.
If You Say, “Nothing Happened”—She Hears, “He is Not Changing”
When a man shows up to a check-in with, “Nothing really happened. I’m good.” What his partner hears is:
- “I’m still emotionally disconnected.”
- “I’m still avoiding vulnerability.”
- “I still don’t know how to reflect.”
- “I’m still telling you what I think you want to hear.”
So, let us be direct. If a betrayer claims to have no emotional struggles, no internal conflict, no temptations, no irritations, no sadness, no stress, no anxiety—then one of two things is true:
- He has achieved emotional enlightenment that no one else with this disorder has obtained, including yours truly
or - He is still emotionally numb and highly unaware of the changes required of him
I will let you decide each of you decide for yourselves.
Why Betrayers Dread the Check-In
Men dread check-ins for three core reasons:
1. They think it is about passing a test. They approach the check-in like a quiz:
- “What’s the right answer?”
- “How much can I say without getting in trouble?”
- “What version of the truth will hurt the least?”
- “What does she want to hear?”
But a check-in is not a test. It is a status report. And the only passing grade is emotional honesty and transparency.
Not perfection. Not bravado. Not bragging. Just honesty and transparency.
2. They Are Terrified of Their Partner’s Pain
Most men in early recovery are still afraid of their partner’s emotions. They do not know how to manage their emotions, and therefore, they unknowingly shut them down. They do this by retreating, minimizing, lying, and being defensive.
Then they say, “She uses the check-in as an excuse to beat me up.” When in reality, what she is doing is bleeding in front of the person who caused her wound.
3. They Do not Yet Have the Emotional Language
Many men truly do not know what they feel or how to express their emotions. That is the truth. This is because they were never taught to be emotionally literate. So, their internal world sounds like this:
- “I’m fine.”
- “I’m stressed.”
- “I’m annoyed.”
- “I’m tired.”
That is not a check-in. That is a weather report.
What a Healthy Check-In Actually Looks Like
A real check-in includes the following:
1. Emotional Transparency
Not what you did, but what you felt.
- “I felt lonely this week.”
- “I felt rejected after work.”
- “I felt ashamed after we argued.”
- “I felt triggered when I felt criticized.”
2. Skill Application
Not what you promised to do. What you actually practiced.
- “I grounded myself instead of dissociating.”
- “I called my accountability partner.”
- “I journaled instead of escaping.”
- “I sat with the discomfort instead of medicating it.”
Check-In Is Also for Her
And let us not miss that a check-in is not a one-way dialogue. It is also the time when the betrayer listens to how his partner is doing with her betrayal trauma:
- What memories surfaced this week?
- What triggered fear?
- What brought grief?
- What sparked anger?
This is where the betrayer learns to stay present, regulated, and vulnerable. Instead of fleeing into defensiveness, shame, shutdown, or counterattack.
A check-in is about demonstrating that you are emotionally available, regulated, accountable, and connected. If you treat the check-in like a trap,
and a partner still experiences it as a battlefield, then the issue is not the check-in. The real issue is that emotional work is not yet leading the recovery.
And until it does, the dread will continue.
