sexual purity

Originally posted at: https://thehealingheromovement.com/2024/09/09/five-strategies-to-quit-prn-that-dont-work/

Here are five strategies to quit p*rn that do not work.

1.) Try Harder

You buckle down, make promises to yourself that you will stop, and “white knuckle” your way to freedom. You tell yourself, “this will be the last time.” You delete the apps or change your devices or try to avoid circumstances where you are alone. You might experience a brief period of sobriety, but the addiction comes back. The temptation is too much, and you succumb to the ritual. You act out. You tell yourself, “THAT was FOR SURE the last time.” You try harder, but eventually act out again.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Trying harder does not work.

2.) Self Punish

You punish yourself in the hopes that more discipline is the way to freedom. Maybe you put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it every time you have a “bad thought.” Maybe you give money away to a charitable cause every time you act out. Maybe you deprive yourself of good things in the hopes that your self-inflicted wounds would motivate you to change. But nothing changes. Eventually you act out again, only this time you feel even worse. You move into further isolation. You start to hate yourself and grow a little more hopeless. You feel shame and you repeat the process.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Punishing yourself does not work.

3.) Perform Spritually

You focus intensely on spiritual practices. You go to church more. You pray more. You memorize scripture. You make promises to God and your spiritual leaders. You attend special church services for healing and delivery. You feel great about your efforts and rightfully put your hope in God to free you from unwanted sexual behavior. You put forth your “best self” in front of others. You create and display an image that you are a “good Christian,” but deep down you feel shame about your addiction. But before you know it, you are fighting with yourself once again. The lust returns. You act out. You feel immense shame. You confess and apologize to God, and you vow to change… again. Spirituality is an important component of a comprehensive approach to healing, but “trying harder through spiritual practices” or “creating an image” you think God or others would like does not work. It certainly did not work for me. How has it worked out for you?

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Performing spiritually does not work.

4.) Rely on Software Blockers

You download accountability software on your devices to “block” you from accessing p*rn. You might even give someone else the password so that you have “no way” of messing with the settings. Ok, you can’t access your go-to sites, and you now have a new challenge in front of you. As your intense desires and temptations come to the surface, your brain steps into search mode. You begin to surf around the edges to find material that “satisfies the craving.” You become more and more creative with your searches and find new ways to circumvent the blocking software. You quickly realize that there is always a way to find sexual material in this ever complex digital world. Blocking access to certain sites or apps can be a helpful tool when starting out and as part of a comprehensive plan to pursue healing and integrity, but be honest with yourself. The blocker does not solve your problems. You still act out.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Relying on software blockers alone does not work.

5.) Rely on an Accountability Partner

You get an accountability partner. This sounds like a good strategy – and it can be – but our definition of what an accountability partner is needs to change. In many circles, an accountability partner is someone you recruit as a trusted ally with whom you can disclose every time you act out. You give them a call or shoot them a text when you mess up. They act as a “cop” to oversee your behaviors. The reality is, the relationship is a setup for deception. Before you know it, you just end up lying to them and to yourself. The shame and hopelessness is too much to bear, and you keep the truth to yourself. It’s a heavy truth. It’s a heavy shame. You continue to act out in secret.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This type of accountability does not work.

So what DOES work?!

Ok, so what DOES work? How do we gain lasting freedom from unwanted sexual behavior?

The problem with all these strategies is that they fail to get to the root of the problem. These are surface level attempts to stop a behavior. To truly experience healing and freedom, we need to uncover and address the root issues that are driving the behavior in the first place.

Why do you struggle with unwanted sexual behavior? This is such a powerful and revealing question.

When I was deep in my addiction, I answered the question by saying something along the lines of, “because I’m a sicko,” or “because I am not strong enough to stop.”

WRONG. That is not why we struggle with unwanted sexual behavior.

Sexual addictions are not about sex. Your unwanted sexual behavior is a symptom of unresolved emotional needs and wounds beneath the surface of your life – oftentimes beneath the surface of your own consciousness.

Until you identify the root issues behind your struggle, all these attempts will have short lasting impact. Trying to resolve your struggle with these strategies is like trying to use Neosporin to fix organ failure. It won’t work.