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Your Second Recovery Goal: Make Her Feel Safe

From the Desk of Dr. Eddie Capparucci

For those familiar with my therapeutic approach, you know I advocate for more than just behavioral change in men. I seek the transformation of their hearts. It is about embarking on a journey of profound personal change that requires intensive dedication and endless self-reflection. The results of this venture are life-changing and bring a great deal of personal contentment and joy not only for men but also for the partners they betrayed.

However, while men understand the importance of becoming and staying sober, they often struggle when it comes to softening their hearts to help their spouses heal from betrayal trauma.

Men commonly express weariness over what they perceive as interrogation-like conversations with their spouses or their inability to comprehend how a good day can suddenly spiral into a nightmare. But what they fail to realize is the depth of the pain they have caused, along with a lack of understanding regarding the consequences of betrayal trauma. Their partners are struggling for answers and want to know, “How could you do this to me?”

Hurting partners are not seeking to remain stuck in their pain and anguish. Instead, they yearn for the return of peaceful and carefree days. However, their future mental health is contingent upon the efforts of those who have betrayed them to make them feel safe once more.

And that is the basic principle in the healing cycle – make her feel safe. If betrayers could grasp and implement this critical concept, many broken relationships could be restored.

Make. Her. Feel. Safe. That is the objective. When accomplished, healing can take place. Without it, misery will ensue.

So, what steps are required for a man who wants to get on the transformation pathway to make his spouse feel safe? There are many components but, here are three starting points:

1. Break Through Your Hardened Heart

In the words of the Apostle Paul, “…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” Eph. 4: 22-24.

This practice entails a profound change in shifting away from childish thinking, emotions, and behaviors driven by unresolved childhood pain points. It requires developing confidence that you will always be inspired to do the right thing. This transformation involves breaking down the barriers of one’s heart built to protect you from dealing with emotional discomfort. And as these barriers come down, they must be replaced with empathy, patience, love, self-control, and compassion. 

An excellent way to soften your heart is to understand how it became callous in the first place. One way to accomplish this is by reading Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction or attending a Going Deeper workshop that takes place three times a year. Find out more at https://seekingintegrity.com/workgroups-and-lecture-series/going-deeper-workgroup-for-men.

2. Put Your Emotional Discomfort Aside and Focus on Her Emotional Pain

It is easy to become preoccupied with one’s emotional discomfort, but true healing begins when we shift our emphasis to stay focused on the pain our partners are experiencing. Easier said than done. But this is a central requirement if a betrayed partner is going to heal. You can no longer allow your pain to trump her pain. Instead, you must stay on her Pain Field and validate what she is experiencing. At the same time, you must have the energy and resolve to deal with what looks like hostility when, in fact, you are standing before pain and grieving.

This means actively listening to her concerns, acknowledging the hurt, and providing unwavering support as she navigates her healing journey. It requires setting aside your discomfort and prioritizing your partner’s emotional well-being more than anything else. This is partly done by regularly validating your partner’s emotions and being completely honest and transparent.

Go to www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si_dxL9Fo-c and watch my “10 Rules for Engaging a Grieving Partner” video for more insights on how to help her grieve.

3. Recognize the Impact of Your Actions or Inactions

Every action or inaction has consequences, especially in relationships. Therefore, it is crucial to consider how your words and behaviors affect your partner. Will your actions foster a sense of safety and security, or will they exacerbate fear and uncertainty? By taking responsibility for your actions and their potential impact on your partner, you can rebuild trust and create a safe foundation within the relationship.

Before making any decision, ask yourself, “How will this action or inaction impact my wife?” And wait to take any steps until you have an answer. If in doubt, reach out to your partner and share what action or inaction you are considering.

In conclusion, the journey toward healing and restoration in the aftermath of betrayal requires more than just behavioral changes; it demands a profound character transformation. Individuals can play a pivotal role in making their partners feel safe and secure by prioritizing empathy, compassion, and accountability. Only then can the path to healing truly begin. But it all begins with a commitment to authentic change.

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs.

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Let‘s Not Overuse The ‘N‘ Word

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/lets-not-overuse-the-n-word/

Understanding the intricacies of language and its impact on society is crucial, especially when discussing terms that carry significant psychological weight. One such term that has found its way into the annals of popular culture is “narcissist.” Originally used to describe a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others, the word has transcended its clinical origins. Its use in everyday language, particularly in the context of romantic relationships and breakups, has become widespread.

The term narcissist is derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man who fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water, leading to his demise. This mythological origin story metaphorically represents the core attributes of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), as diagnosed by mental health professionals. However, its adoption into popular culture has broadened its application, often detaching it from its clinical roots. In contemporary use, “narcissist” is frequently used to describe someone who is perceived as excessively self-centered or egotistical, without a formal diagnosis or a thorough understanding of NPD.

The prevalence of the term in discussions about failed relationships is particularly notable. Social media platforms, self-help books, and even casual conversations are replete with references to ex-partners as narcissists. This trend is symptomatic of a larger societal tendency to pathologize the behavior of others, especially in the emotionally charged aftermath of a breakup. While it is undeniable that some individuals may exhibit traits consistent with narcissism, the wholesale application of the term to describe any self-focused behavior observed in a former partner oversimplifies complex human emotions and interactions.

One of the primary reasons for caution against the indiscriminate use of the term “narcissist” post-breakup is the potential for misdiagnosis. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complex mental health condition that requires a professional assessment. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), a diagnosis of NPD involves a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. These criteria are not typically assessable by laypersons and require a nuanced understanding of the individual’s behavior over time and across different situations.

The casual labeling of ex-partners as narcissists can contribute to a misunderstanding and stigmatization of mental health issues. When terms that have specific clinical meanings are used loosely, it can diminish the perceived seriousness of mental health disorders and perpetuate misconceptions. Individuals who genuinely suffer from NPD or other personality disorders deserve empathy and access to mental health support, not to be vilified or mocked in public.

The tendency to label ex-partners as narcissists following a breakup can reflect a broader reluctance to engage in self-reflection and accountability. Breakups are often the result of mutual incompatibilities, misunderstandings, or failures on both sides to meet each other’s needs. By attributing the failure solely to the supposed narcissism of one party, individuals may miss an opportunity to examine their own contributions to the relationship’s end. This can hinder personal growth and the ability to form healthier relationships in the future.

The use of “narcissist” as a catch-all term for any negative behavior observed in a partner dilutes the complexity of human relationships. It reduces the rich tapestry of human emotion and interaction to a binary of victim and villain, ignoring the shades of gray that characterize most interpersonal dynamics. Not every act of self-interest or every failure to empathize with a partner is indicative of narcissism. Relationships involve negotiation, compromise, and the balancing of both partners’ needs and desires. Recognizing this complexity is essential for mature and nuanced discussions about relationship dynamics.

The proliferation of the term “narcissist” in popular culture, especially in the context of romantic breakups, raises important questions about language, mental health, and interpersonal relationships. While it’s understandable that individuals seek to make sense of their experiences and sometimes find solace in labeling the behavior of others, it’s crucial to approach such labels with caution. Misusing psychological terms not only risks misunderstanding and stigmatizing mental health conditions but also oversimplifies the multifaceted nature of human relationships.

Instead of hastily assigning labels, a more constructive approach involves seeking to understand the complexity of both our own and others’ behaviors. This includes recognizing the potential for growth and change in everyone, rather than defining them by the perceived shortcomings of their actions in a relationship. Encouraging open, empathetic discussions about breakups, without resorting to pathologizing language, can foster a healthier dialogue about relationships and mental health.

The term “narcissist” has undeniably seeped into the lexicon of popular culture, often wielded as a weapon in the aftermath of romantic breakups. However, its casual use overlooks the complexity of narcissistic personality disorder and the nuances of human relationships. By advocating for a more measured and empathetic use of language, society can better support individuals dealing with the genuine challenges of NPD and facilitate a more understanding and constructive discourse about the end of relationships. Through this approach, we can move towards a culture that values mental health awareness, personal accountability, and the multifaceted nature of human connections.

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The Pain Field

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS

“I know what I am supposed to do, but I never seem to be able to get it right,” said Roy, whose wife is nine months post-D-Day after discovering his involvement with pornography and spending large amounts of money with online video chat. “I try to get defensive or have an emotional outburst when she is grieving, but I cannot stop myself. Her yelling, crying, and tearing at me leads me to want to run away or explode.”

Roy’s struggles echo the sentiments of many individuals grappling with the aftermath of their infidelity. Despite the guidance from therapists and coaches, the ability to support their partners through grief remains elusive for many men. 

Many techniques and strategies have been developed to help the betrayer remain calm while the betrayed partner is grieving. But the problem of men being there for their wives in these difficult times remains. It is often easier to help these men become sober than to assist them in helping with their partners’ grief.

 The Pain Field

So, what is going on here that leads to struggles among couples dealing with infidelity? Well, you have heard me say many times that to assist during times of grief, a partner must see his spouse’s pain. And many men have found this to be helpful. However, this concept goes much deeper. When an individual is betrayed, they go onto the Pain Field. 

The Pain Field, as I’ve termed it, encapsulates the harrowing emotional terrain that betrayed partners endure. It is a desolate place characterized by despair and fear, where healing seems unattainable. Amidst this anguish, betrayed partners seek comfort in their spouses, yearning for understanding and clarity of the infidelity. It often seems there is no escape from the Pain Field, and these partners could spend years wandering back and forth, facing what seems to be a hopeless situation with no opportunity for healing. 

And here lies the problem. Betrayers, during a grieving dialogue, flee the Pain Field, seeking comfort by utilizing various coping strategies such as defensiveness, gaslighting, lying, withdrawing, and aggressiveness, to name a few. When this occurs, the betrayed partner’s Inner Child becomes fearful and feels she is being abandoned or, worse yet, attacked. Emotional escalation occurs, and the situation is at risk of becoming volatile. What the betrayer has done is unknowingly dump fuel on the fire. And a potential explosion is on the horizon.  

As counselors, social workers, and coaches, we have all seen this scenario play out with destructive and sometimes horrific consequences. I firmly believe if the betrayer can learn to stay on the Pain Field instead of shifting to other fields, the risk of emotional escalation can be reduced during grieving sessions.

Here is an example of moving off the Pain Field. Your wife calls you at work and says she is having a bad day. You ask why, and she responds she had been thinking about your affair partner, who was her friend at one time. Later, when you get home, she seems okay. When you both get ready for bed, she wants to talk, and you listen. She expresses sadness about losing her former friend, and you do an excellent job validating her emotions. She then says, “I still don’t know why you would do such a thing.” You have heard that statement at least a hundred times, but it does not stop your Inner Child from jumping in. Instead of providing more validation and compassion, you answer, “Honey, there is no point in focusing on her any longer. I have not seen or talked to her in years and never think about her. She is not important to me.” 

You have jumped to another playing field and have communicated to her the following message, “When are you going to stop and let this go? It’s driving me crazy because I cannot do anything about what I have done in the past. I said I was sorry a thousand times. It was stupid, and I admit it. Can we move on?!”

Well, since you put it that way, the answer is NO! We cannot move on. But you have. You have left the Pain Field, and she is scared and most likely extremely angry. And rightfully so. 

Why Betrayers Shift Fields

Men unknowingly move away from the Pain Field and run to another field that serves as a coping strategy. He does this for one reason – fear. His Inner Child senses the direction of the conversation is shifting, and his spouse is becoming more upset. The Child believes, “We’re in trouble.” So, instead of taking a break to calm his Inner Child, the betrayer does what he has always done when faced with emotional discomfort and compulsively seeks to escape.

You move away from the Pain Field the moment you will become:

  • Defensive
  • Unemphatic
  • Impatience
  • Uncomfortable
  • Frustrated
  • Dishonest
  • Fearful and wilt
  • Aggressive 

Your Entitled Child enters the picture, and you believe you have done all you can to help, but the situation is helpless. But have you really done everything? Have you truly reached your breakpoint? 

My colleague and friend Carol (The Coach) Sheets tells betrayers that their bucket is bigger than they think. She is referring to the fact that you can handle more emotional discomfort than you give yourself credit. Instead, you quit, like you always have when dealing with emotional distress. When this occurs, you act in ways you did when in your addictive state.  

How to Stay on the Pain Field

You will only consistently stay on the Pain Field if you commit yourself to doing so. And you cannot make that commitment when you find yourself in the Pain Field. Instead, you must plan before these discussions. Here are four things to focus on that will allow you to stay with your wife in the Pain Field. 

1. Slow Everything Down

You have heard me say this many times and know it is my number one recovery rule. There must be a commitment to slowing everything down – and I mean everything. Learning to slow your breathing, pulse rate, compulsiveness, reactiveness, and assumptions are just a starting point for staying on the Pain Field. 

By slowing everything down, you will be better prepared to manage difficult conversations and respond humbly and caringly. You will resist the urge to rush through uncomfortable conversations and sit with the emotional discomfort you are experiencing. Use daily meditation to help you learn to quiet down the negative noise in your head and to realize when you are starting to dysregulate emotionally. I have a library of meditation music donated by therapist Bill Herring and would be happy to send you a link if you email me at edcappa@gmail.com. 

2. Quiet Your Inner Child

Your Inner Child is a source of turmoil and can erupt any time, driving you to respond defensively or dismissively. It is important to quiet your Inner Child, allowing you to maintain calm during these challenging interactions. The Child needs to understand you will not be bringing his child-like emotions into the dialogue, but instead, you will seek to remain engaged and attempt to answer all questions without a hint of defensiveness. You must quiet your Inner Child before getting into the discussion. Should your partner bring up a topic she wants to discuss immediately, inform her you will step away for five minutes to ensure you are in the right mindset to assist her. If she complains about your leaving, tell her you will be right back to sit with her in her discomfort. 

3. Be Present and Engaged

Merely being in the Pain Field is not enough to help your spouse feel safe. Instead, you must be prepared to be emotionally present, involved, and genuinely attentive to what your wife is experiencing and her emotional needs. Again, you prepare yourself for this by taking a moment to settle yourself before the discussion begins. Remind yourself that she needs you. Also, tell yourself that you will not see hostility, but instead, you will identify and stay focused on her pain points. This may require you to take additional short breaks when you feel yourself becoming emotionally dysregulated. Do not let yourself get there; instead, regulate and go back to continue the conversation. The breaks do not need to be long.

4. Identify the Pain Point

Your infidelity is the cause, but not the core, of your spouse’s pain. Engage in calm, curious, and compassionate inquiry to uncover the trigger points. Identifying the pain point your spouse is feeling during the moment is essential. This pain point often goes beyond the action and taps into deeper fears, insecurities, and trust issues.

For example, you fail to call before heading home as you have promised. When you arrive home, she is upset, and you believe it is because you forgot to call. However, your absent-mindedness is not the pain point, it is the reason the pain was generated. Her pain point could be several things, including feeling forgotten. 

The pain point is not an action or inaction you have taken but how that action or inaction makes her feel about you, herself, or the relationship. Seek the pain point. And if you cannot identify it, try. It is okay to be wrong. Or ask her, ” Can you explain what emotional pain you are dealing with now?”

And ladies, please try not to get upset with him for being unable to identify your core emotional pain. Remember, he is most likely emotionally undeveloped. Instead, I hope you find some contentment, realizing he is staying on the Pain Field and wants to understand more.

Final Notes

For the betrayer, the Pain Field is filled with landmines, especially when the pain point shifts midway through the dialogue. If that happens, and it often does, do not run but instead refocus your effort on locating the new pain point.

And for those who have been betrayed, please understand that he will not be perfect in staying on the Pain Field. His Inner Child is very powerful and works behind the scenes to seek coping strategies to move toward comfort. If you see him moving off the Pain Field, mention it to him. Allow him to take a break and come back and try again. 

I mean, what is the point? Does it matter whether he gets it right every time or ultimately works to help you deal with your betrayal trauma? 

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating addictive behaviors. He is the author of:

  • Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
  • Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots
  • Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction
  • Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love & Sex Addiction
  • Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. 

He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com. Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model at www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 105 The Importance of Community 

Today, I’m talking with Jorge, about the importance of community as it relates to recovery. I had no idea that rats would be a part of this conversation.
 
Join us on the next episode of the purity podcast where I interview Dan Johnson from New Paths. Dan has created a really incredible and very simple plan to help men, well anyone, conquer their addiction to pornography. See ya soon!
 
If you have questions or want to reach out, please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org, and remember that on this path of recovery, you are not walking alone.