Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/the-codependents-guide-to-surviving-a-breakup/
Break-ups can be nasty experiences and we all go through them. It can be a shock to the system and can knock us off course for a while. The best case scenario is that a couple can mutually agree to separate and logically work through that process and even then it can be difficult adjusting to the is that was. Depending on the type of person you are, it can take quite some time to get over it enough to be able to move forward.
The human experience is shaped by connection, and few events test us more than the end of a relationship. A breakup is rarely just the loss of a partner, it often feels like the loss of part of ourselves. We grieve the routines we shared, the future we imagined, and the security that came with being attached. Even when we know the relationship wasn’t right, the emotional system takes much longer to adjust. This is why breakups can feel so destabilizing. Recovery comes slowly, through self-reflection, patience, and acceptance, as we rebuild both identity and trust in our own resilience. Learning individuality and what that means for a relationship is essential.
However, the presence of emotion and sometimes extreme emotion, makes that process often extremely difficult. If you add into that mix, a level of codependency, then it complicates the matter greatly.
“Loss of a relationship is painful, but if you lose yourself in a relationship, when it ends, it’s devastating, because you are lost.” — Darlene Lancer
“The sad truth is that the more you give up your responsibility the more you become controlled by others and are unable to be your authentic self. However, as you insist upon taking responsibility for yourself and your life … it gives you freedom.” — Julia Lang
“Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under‐react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.” — Melody Beattie
Anyone who identifies as a codependent, will naturally have major issues that make separation from a partner difficult. Due to the very childhood issues that caused codependency in the first place, the codependent is not in the best place to deal with the perceived abandonment and rejection that will certainly come. As codependents generally find it difficult to face being alone, it can be a traumatic time. Codependents define themselves through relationships and a void where that relationship was will open up.
Before we talk about break-ups, it is relevant to talk about codependent relationships in general. Given that connection was “worked” for as a child, the adult mind will be seeking a connection with a “moving target”. In real terms, that means an emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature individual who has trouble processing emotional input and is more likely avoidant of feelings and sometimes empathy. This keeps them on the path of repetition compulsion, A Freudian theory that says we attempt to fix childhood dysfunctional relationships with adult partners.
This is a mirror of events from the codependent’s childhood and the same drive to connect is there. This is done with control measures designed to keep the object of their codependency in a certain space. Attempts at fixing, enabling, martyrdom, sacrifice, anger, victimhood are all tools at their disposal. These tools keep them highly focused on their partner and they are hypervigilant to changes in moods and behavior that might need a readjustment of their approach. It is an extremely intense process for all involved but can maintain itself over a sustained period, until it doesn’t and that’s where the issues really start.
Immediately after a break-up, a codependent will often be in shock that this has happened to them and the connection they so carefully nurtured has been ripped from their grasp. Their first instinct will be to try to re-establish a connection with either their ex-partner or someone else. The latter point is why we see many people jump from one relationship straight into another with often disastrous results. Taking the dysfunction from one to another never generally works.
Codependents are also often fixed on “winning” back their ex-partner and lots of focus is often placed on contact with the ex. A codependent’s natural tendency is to attempt reconnection through various means. Firstly, an obsession can be created in an attempt to become quickly the person the ex wanted in the first place. This means a rapid change to new behavior and thinking based on the expectation that this will lead to reconciliation. Secondly, another tendency is to pepper the ex with emotional insights, realizations, updates about changes and any other reason they can find for contact.
This is a difficult period for a codependent who is often lost and spends generally, a lot of time trawling social media (including the ex) for answers and clues to what happened to them. Reconciliation, is of course always possible but it will only happen if the two people involved become healthy in their thinking. That does mean both people because it is likely the codependent was involved with someone who was also not healthy when it comes to connection. Often this is a pipe dream and the ex has maybe even moved on emotionally long before the separation. Letting go of the ambition to reconnect with an elusive ex is one of the biggest challenges facing a codependent after a break-up. Attempting can often lead to frustration and humiliation and spends energy needed to become healthy.
To aid recovery after a break-up, a therapist will be asking a codependent to attempt something that they have found near impossible before. That is to become a healthy individual who meets their own needs. They will see their needs in terms of what their ex might need or want but this has to be curtailed. The first part of the process is to be in touch with and allow any feelings that they have concerning the break-up. These need to be processed in therapy or by journaling and not in constant attempts to tell their ex how bad they feel. Hard as it is, no contact and blocking and deleting might be the only way to move forward. It hurts but the space is needed for growth. Codependents are not healthy people. They think they are in love but are essentially trying to control the uncontrollable to make themselves secure. This mirrors their childhood actions in trying to “parent” their parents.
Once this is established, the road to becoming a healthy individual means becoming a healthy, functioning adult who takes responsibility for their actions and can learn trust and fruitful connection. This can be a long road for some but it is a process and a process has an end at some point. How that end looks depends on many factors but the following tips will always help:
How to get over a bad break-up Part 1
How to get over a bad break-up Part 2
Give it time before a new relationship
Why Individuality is essential in relationships
Dr Nicholas Jenner
Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.
