CASTIMONIA

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Tag Teams

Originally posted at: theresstillhope.org

According to many professional wrestling experts, the greatest wrestling tag team of all time was The Road Warriors, known individually as Animal and Hawk. From 1983 to 2014, this ruthless tag team won dozens of titles, including the NWA World Championship three times. 

Here’s how they did it. When Animal got into trouble, Hawk would cheat, pull someone’s hair, and utilize a foreign object seen by every person in the arena other than the referee. And when Hawk was in trouble, Animal would do the same.

The Bible says, “Two are better than one” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). You need a tag team partner in recovery.

There will be times when you need to tag out. In the heat of the battle, in the midst of the temptation, you need help. That is when you make a call. You reach out for help. And with that person’s help, you can win another match.

Recover Step: Get a tag team partner. This will be key to your success.

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Where Sobriety Begins

Originally posted at: theresstillhope.org

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.”
     – Alcoholics Anonymous 

“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you’” (Isaiah 41:13).

Recovery is a long road. The first step is always the same – acceptance. Step 1 says that. The Bible demands that. Experience confirms that. 

Until you accept your condition, you will not find your solution.

God stands ready to step in and do for you what you cannot do for yourself. But before you accept the help of the Good Physician, you must acknowledge your own helplessness to fix your problems yourself.

Recovery Step: Accept what you cannot change, in order to surrender to the God who makes all things possible.

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Work Recovery For Yourself

by Llama Boy

We hear this lingo often in Castimonia. Many individuals find themselves in a Castimonia meeting for the first time after an extreme rock bottom experience. Some have faced fear of divorce, financial insecurity, or run-ins with the law. Whatever it may be that God uses to grab hold of our attention to snap us out of our insane behaviors, it is then up to us what we do from that moment.

As I sit here writing this, I’m reflecting on the events that transpired leading to my “Discovery Day” exactly one year ago. It was an absolute life shattering moment, and only a few weeks later, I found myself in a Castimonia meeting. Nervous, anxious for my future, and fearful of losing my marriage. After that first meeting, I was asked by the leader to share more of my story and how I found myself on the brink of divorce. I shared my piece of the story, and he asked me the question, “Are you ready to do whatever it takes to save your marriage?” In shock that I would even be asked that, I responded quickly with, “Of course, I’d do anything. I’ll change and do whatever it takes.”

Fast forward a month later, and well I found myself signing paperwork to an uncontested divorce. I was at a crossroad: Do I stay in recovery anyway? Or look at my new life of singleness as an opportunity to pursue my own sexual desires?

I lost any real reason to stay in recovery. My spouse is gone, 5 years of a relationship / marriage obsolete, and our hopes for a future family no longer exists. Why should I have stayed in recovery? It would have been easier to choose acting out and medicating my terrible emotions. Instead, I had a moment of clarity. My sexual acting out outside God’s context for sex has been the cause for all the pain all along.

I looked back and thought of all the pain that was caused to me through sexual acting out, and it was all because it happened outside of God’s purpose for sex. From the sexual abuse I experienced as a child, to the numerous affairs and one night stands I pursued in dating, and the eventual downfall of my marriage, it was all to please an unhealthy desire that promised me pleasure and escape from my insecurities in life.

Sin will always tell you that the momentary pleasure of flesh is more valuable and more promising than the eternal promise from God. When you experience this, you will no longer choose to work recovery for anyone else but yourself. My prayer for anyone reading this article is that you come to this moment of realization BEFORE you lose all that you are working your recovery for. When you choose recovery for yourself, you lose any fear of failure. You get to walk in the freedom that Jesus offers when he says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” You no longer walk on eggshells in fear of upsetting or losing your spouse because you learn to accept your imperfection, and that this journey of recovery is not meant to save anything but your own soul from separation from God.

A year ago, I would’ve never thought I would still be part of the Castimonia ministry. Since then, I’ve been able to drain my mind of unhealthy sexual thoughts. I had a face to face moment of forgiving my family member who sexually abused me as a child. By the grace of God, I recently celebrated 9 months of sobriety from sexual acting out. It’s a freedom from sin that I never thought I would experience, and it’s because I chose to work recovery for myself that everything else in life fell into place.

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The Pain Field

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS

“I know what I am supposed to do, but I never seem to be able to get it right,” said Roy, whose wife is nine months post-D-Day after discovering his involvement with pornography and spending large amounts of money with online video chat. “I try to get defensive or have an emotional outburst when she is grieving, but I cannot stop myself. Her yelling, crying, and tearing at me leads me to want to run away or explode.”

Roy’s struggles echo the sentiments of many individuals grappling with the aftermath of their infidelity. Despite the guidance from therapists and coaches, the ability to support their partners through grief remains elusive for many men. 

Many techniques and strategies have been developed to help the betrayer remain calm while the betrayed partner is grieving. But the problem of men being there for their wives in these difficult times remains. It is often easier to help these men become sober than to assist them in helping with their partners’ grief.

 The Pain Field

So, what is going on here that leads to struggles among couples dealing with infidelity? Well, you have heard me say many times that to assist during times of grief, a partner must see his spouse’s pain. And many men have found this to be helpful. However, this concept goes much deeper. When an individual is betrayed, they go onto the Pain Field. 

The Pain Field, as I’ve termed it, encapsulates the harrowing emotional terrain that betrayed partners endure. It is a desolate place characterized by despair and fear, where healing seems unattainable. Amidst this anguish, betrayed partners seek comfort in their spouses, yearning for understanding and clarity of the infidelity. It often seems there is no escape from the Pain Field, and these partners could spend years wandering back and forth, facing what seems to be a hopeless situation with no opportunity for healing. 

And here lies the problem. Betrayers, during a grieving dialogue, flee the Pain Field, seeking comfort by utilizing various coping strategies such as defensiveness, gaslighting, lying, withdrawing, and aggressiveness, to name a few. When this occurs, the betrayed partner’s Inner Child becomes fearful and feels she is being abandoned or, worse yet, attacked. Emotional escalation occurs, and the situation is at risk of becoming volatile. What the betrayer has done is unknowingly dump fuel on the fire. And a potential explosion is on the horizon.  

As counselors, social workers, and coaches, we have all seen this scenario play out with destructive and sometimes horrific consequences. I firmly believe if the betrayer can learn to stay on the Pain Field instead of shifting to other fields, the risk of emotional escalation can be reduced during grieving sessions.

Here is an example of moving off the Pain Field. Your wife calls you at work and says she is having a bad day. You ask why, and she responds she had been thinking about your affair partner, who was her friend at one time. Later, when you get home, she seems okay. When you both get ready for bed, she wants to talk, and you listen. She expresses sadness about losing her former friend, and you do an excellent job validating her emotions. She then says, “I still don’t know why you would do such a thing.” You have heard that statement at least a hundred times, but it does not stop your Inner Child from jumping in. Instead of providing more validation and compassion, you answer, “Honey, there is no point in focusing on her any longer. I have not seen or talked to her in years and never think about her. She is not important to me.” 

You have jumped to another playing field and have communicated to her the following message, “When are you going to stop and let this go? It’s driving me crazy because I cannot do anything about what I have done in the past. I said I was sorry a thousand times. It was stupid, and I admit it. Can we move on?!”

Well, since you put it that way, the answer is NO! We cannot move on. But you have. You have left the Pain Field, and she is scared and most likely extremely angry. And rightfully so. 

Why Betrayers Shift Fields

Men unknowingly move away from the Pain Field and run to another field that serves as a coping strategy. He does this for one reason – fear. His Inner Child senses the direction of the conversation is shifting, and his spouse is becoming more upset. The Child believes, “We’re in trouble.” So, instead of taking a break to calm his Inner Child, the betrayer does what he has always done when faced with emotional discomfort and compulsively seeks to escape.

You move away from the Pain Field the moment you will become:

  • Defensive
  • Unemphatic
  • Impatience
  • Uncomfortable
  • Frustrated
  • Dishonest
  • Fearful and wilt
  • Aggressive 

Your Entitled Child enters the picture, and you believe you have done all you can to help, but the situation is helpless. But have you really done everything? Have you truly reached your breakpoint? 

My colleague and friend Carol (The Coach) Sheets tells betrayers that their bucket is bigger than they think. She is referring to the fact that you can handle more emotional discomfort than you give yourself credit. Instead, you quit, like you always have when dealing with emotional distress. When this occurs, you act in ways you did when in your addictive state.  

How to Stay on the Pain Field

You will only consistently stay on the Pain Field if you commit yourself to doing so. And you cannot make that commitment when you find yourself in the Pain Field. Instead, you must plan before these discussions. Here are four things to focus on that will allow you to stay with your wife in the Pain Field. 

1. Slow Everything Down

You have heard me say this many times and know it is my number one recovery rule. There must be a commitment to slowing everything down – and I mean everything. Learning to slow your breathing, pulse rate, compulsiveness, reactiveness, and assumptions are just a starting point for staying on the Pain Field. 

By slowing everything down, you will be better prepared to manage difficult conversations and respond humbly and caringly. You will resist the urge to rush through uncomfortable conversations and sit with the emotional discomfort you are experiencing. Use daily meditation to help you learn to quiet down the negative noise in your head and to realize when you are starting to dysregulate emotionally. I have a library of meditation music donated by therapist Bill Herring and would be happy to send you a link if you email me at edcappa@gmail.com. 

2. Quiet Your Inner Child

Your Inner Child is a source of turmoil and can erupt any time, driving you to respond defensively or dismissively. It is important to quiet your Inner Child, allowing you to maintain calm during these challenging interactions. The Child needs to understand you will not be bringing his child-like emotions into the dialogue, but instead, you will seek to remain engaged and attempt to answer all questions without a hint of defensiveness. You must quiet your Inner Child before getting into the discussion. Should your partner bring up a topic she wants to discuss immediately, inform her you will step away for five minutes to ensure you are in the right mindset to assist her. If she complains about your leaving, tell her you will be right back to sit with her in her discomfort. 

3. Be Present and Engaged

Merely being in the Pain Field is not enough to help your spouse feel safe. Instead, you must be prepared to be emotionally present, involved, and genuinely attentive to what your wife is experiencing and her emotional needs. Again, you prepare yourself for this by taking a moment to settle yourself before the discussion begins. Remind yourself that she needs you. Also, tell yourself that you will not see hostility, but instead, you will identify and stay focused on her pain points. This may require you to take additional short breaks when you feel yourself becoming emotionally dysregulated. Do not let yourself get there; instead, regulate and go back to continue the conversation. The breaks do not need to be long.

4. Identify the Pain Point

Your infidelity is the cause, but not the core, of your spouse’s pain. Engage in calm, curious, and compassionate inquiry to uncover the trigger points. Identifying the pain point your spouse is feeling during the moment is essential. This pain point often goes beyond the action and taps into deeper fears, insecurities, and trust issues.

For example, you fail to call before heading home as you have promised. When you arrive home, she is upset, and you believe it is because you forgot to call. However, your absent-mindedness is not the pain point, it is the reason the pain was generated. Her pain point could be several things, including feeling forgotten. 

The pain point is not an action or inaction you have taken but how that action or inaction makes her feel about you, herself, or the relationship. Seek the pain point. And if you cannot identify it, try. It is okay to be wrong. Or ask her, ” Can you explain what emotional pain you are dealing with now?”

And ladies, please try not to get upset with him for being unable to identify your core emotional pain. Remember, he is most likely emotionally undeveloped. Instead, I hope you find some contentment, realizing he is staying on the Pain Field and wants to understand more.

Final Notes

For the betrayer, the Pain Field is filled with landmines, especially when the pain point shifts midway through the dialogue. If that happens, and it often does, do not run but instead refocus your effort on locating the new pain point.

And for those who have been betrayed, please understand that he will not be perfect in staying on the Pain Field. His Inner Child is very powerful and works behind the scenes to seek coping strategies to move toward comfort. If you see him moving off the Pain Field, mention it to him. Allow him to take a break and come back and try again. 

I mean, what is the point? Does it matter whether he gets it right every time or ultimately works to help you deal with your betrayal trauma? 

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating addictive behaviors. He is the author of:

  • Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
  • Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots
  • Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction
  • Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love & Sex Addiction
  • Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. 

He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com. Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model at www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.

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Codependency: Why Red Flags Give Us All The Information We Need

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-why-red-flags-give-us-all-the-information-we-need-2/

“The red flags are usually there, you just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart.” ― April Mae Monterrosa

In my daily work with codependents, I hear a lot about so-called “red-flags”. Usually this comes when clients are describing the early stages of a relationship they were or are in. If they are describing a relationship with a certain personality type, the red flags are always evident and obvious but codependents choose to ignore them. They do this because they have usually been “hooked in” by the adulation given to them by the new partner. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.” In therapy, I ask my clients to analyse previous relationships and when they noticed “red flags”. A discussion can then be had about what would have been a functional way of dealing with them at the time. Of course, major lessons can be learned for the next relationship. On the whole, any of the issues listed below should bring a level of caution and ultimately an end to the relationship if they continue.

Let’s look at typical “red flags” that could occur in these types of relationships: Source: Psychology Today

Lack of communication. These individuals find it difficult to talk about issues or express how they feel. Often, when it would seem most important to be open and honest, they distance themselves emotionally, leaving their partner hanging, or having to deal with a situation on their own. Often, whatever is “communicated” is expressed through moodiness, and sometimes the dreaded “silent treatment.”

Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills—taking care of themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding onto a job, and making plans for their life and future. Small crises surrounding the way they live their daily life may take up a lot of time and energy. If so, there may be little time and energy left for you and your issues. These people may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.

Lack of trust. When a person has difficulty being honest with himself or herself, it may be hard for them to be honest with you. Some of this behaviour may not be calculated and malicious but simply a learned way or habit of coping. However, being out-and-out lied to is a no-brainer. A person who holds himself or herself unaccountable for their actions lacks integrity and lacks respect for their partner. You may feel, and rightly so, that there are a lot of “missing pieces,” so much that you don’t know or that is purposely hidden from you.

Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. If there is something “off” about this person that seems obvious to those who know you so well, you may need to listen to what they’re telling you. Often, in the throes of a new relationship, hearing criticism about your new “beloved” may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At the very least, hear these people out.

Controlling behaviour. Similarly, a partner may attempt to “divide and conquer,” driving a wedge between you and other significant people in your life. They may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and who you associate with, limiting your world to allow in only what is important to them. Sometimes, they may make you choose them over significant others as an expression of “love.”

Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship. Rather than moving forward, building on shared experiences that should be strengthening your connection, you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or anxious about where it’s heading. You may seek reassurances from your partner, but somehow these are only momentary and fleeting. As a result, you may be working double duty to keep the relationship on track while your partner contributes little.

A dark or secretive past. Behaviours that are suspect, illegal activities, and addictive behaviours that haven’t been resolved and continue into your relationship are obvious red flags. But you shouldn’t ignore or excuse anything that strikes you as strange or makes you feel uncomfortable. (Of course, if a person has done the necessary corrective work and continues doing so for their own good and for the good of the relationship, that is a different story.)

Non-resolution of past relationships. These include not just intimate relationships but those with family members and friends. If a person is unable to evaluate why past relationships haven’t worked out, or consistently blames the other party for all of the problems, you can bet with a great deal of confidence that the same thing could happen with your relationship.

The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. Often we enter into a relationship strongly identified with our needs. The need may be that you, my partner, must do certain things for me to make me feel secure and satisfied, or that you allow me, your partner, to feel needed by fulfilling your needs. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.

Abusive behaviour. Finally, and of course, any form of abuse, from the seemingly mild to the overtly obvious—verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.