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19 Possible Motives Triggering Your Porn Consumption

Originally posted at: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2016/09/16/19-possible-motive-triggers-porn-consumption/

Often triggers and motive are treated as two distinct things, and there are differences. But those differences are more akin to two sides of the same coin than apples and oranges. In this post we’ll examine the things that trigger your sexual sin and the motives attached to those triggers. As you identify the trigger-motive for your sexual sin, we also want you to begin to see how you are treating your sin like a friend, ally, refuge, etc. These insights are essential for repentance to make sense as a central part of change. Unless we see how our sin seeks to replace God in our life, then our need to be made right with God comes across as if God is unduly hung up about our sexuality. 

Your struggle with sexual addiction doesn’t start with your behavior. It begins with what you want, what you live for. – David Powlison in Sexual Addiction (p. 6)

1. Boredom (Sin as My Joy)

When boredom is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin has become our joy. When there is a moment to be filled with something of our choosing, we pursue sin to fill the void rather than God or any of His legitimate pleasures. We begin to lose our appetite for godly pleasure like the child who eats sweets stops wanting healthy food. Even as they feel sluggish from the ups and downs of sugary “treats” they fail to connect this to their diet but go instead for another sugar high as the “obvious” solution.

Sex is not ultimate… Idols begin as good things to which we give too much importance, and few things slide over into idolatry with greater frequency or greater power than sex. We allow a good gift of God to supersede the God who gave it. Sex is good, even great, but it’s not ultimate. –Tim Challies in Sexual Detox (p. 61)

Read Nehemiah 8:9-12. God is a God of great joys and pleasure. Too often we view God as so serious that we believe “fun” must be in His opposite direction. When God called Israel to repentance through Nehemiah and Ezra, He asked them to express their repentance in celebration. If the motive of boredom leads you to sin, then allow this passage to challenge your view of God. Related resource: Hobbies and Habits-Fighting Porn with Purpose

2. Loneliness (Sin as My Friend)

When loneliness is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our “friend.” Sexual sin is always relational whether the relationship is fictional or physical, so it fits loneliness well. It’s as if our sin (a person, a chat room, or a video) calls to us, “Tell me your troubles.” We gladly pull up a chair and unload. As we do, talking to a real person or one who is not part of our sin becomes too risky. We now fear being judged or known by anyone but our “friend.”

It’s a perfect world that I can create. Things always go exactly my way. People do exactly what I want. I’m always on top. Fantasy is a great ego-feeder. –Anonymous testimony in David Powlison’s Pornography: Slaying the Dragon (p. 19)

Read Proverbs 27:6. During sexual sin we write this proverb backwards. We believe, “Faithful are the kisses of any enemy; profuse are the wounds of a friend.” When sin reverses the roles of friend and enemy, it traps us until we return the right labels to the people in our lives. If the motive of loneliness leads you to sexual sin, then prayerfully examine who or what you call “friend.”

3. Stress (Sin as My Comforter)

When stress is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our comforter. We run to it, her, or him. Sin or our adultery partner makes things better (at least as long as it, she, or he remains hidden and keeps us to themselves). Yet the comfort takes on an addictive quality. The stress from which we are relieved is multiplied by the stress it, she, or he creates. This keeps us in a cycle of stress and returning to a primary source of stress for relief.

We crave intimacy at a relational level. We feel lonely. But we also fear intimacy. We’re not sure we can attain it or be vulnerable enough to handle it. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 47)

Read John 14:25-31. Jesus describes the Holy Spirit as “the Helper” or “the Comforter” (v. 26) and as the source of peace–distinct from the world’s peace which always returns us to fear (v. 27). If a source of comfort doesn’t allow you to be more real with more people, then it isn’t true comfort. It’s a drug that numbs you before it makes you sick. If the motive of stress leads you to sexual sin, then examine whether your “comfort” is real or a form of relational self-medication.

4. Frustration (Sin as My Peace)

When frustration is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our source of peace. Sin is treated as an “oasis.” When this happens we label sin as our “safe place” as compared to the parts of life that are upsetting. This makes sin our friend and anyone or anything that opposes or interferes with our sin our enemy. Read Romans 16:17-20 and I Thessalonians 5:22-24: Notice each of the passages refer to knowing the God of peace as the alternative to falling into temptations based upon deceitful desires. Where you turn for peace when you are frustrated is the determining variable of your character. Once you declare something or someone as the source of your peace, you will be loyal to and obey it.

5. Fatigue (Sin as My Source of Life)

When fatigue is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our source of life. We turn to sin as our boost to get through the day. The thought of our sin keeps us going when we feel like giving up. The adrenaline of sexual satisfaction (physical or romantic) becomes a drug we use to artificially stimulate ourselves–one we begin to wonder whether we could live without. Read 2 Corinthians 4:7-18: This passage uses many words that can be synonyms for or create fatigue: afflicted (v. 8), perplexed (v. 8), persecuted (v. 9), struck down (v. 9), and wasting away (v. 16). Fatigue can make you feel alone, and sexual sin becomes your life giving companion. Paul says that it’s only Christ who can be the life in us that counters the fatiguing death around us (v. 10-12). To doubt this truth reveals that we are believing (or at least listening attentively to) lies.

6. Hurt (Sin as My Refuge)

When hurt is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our refuge. In our moments of sinful escape we feel protected from life and a growing allegiance develops towards our sin. In actuality, our sexual sin provides as much protection as a child pulling the covers over his/her head. But in our moment of hurt, we appreciate even the pseudo-refuge of sin compared to the perceived absence of any other refuge. Read Psalm 31: This Psalm alternates between a cry for help and a song of confidence. In this, the Psalm reveals the realness with which Scripture speaks to life. Sexual sin is a pseudo-refuge on demand. Even when we can’t have the sin, we can fantasize about his/her presence. However, the real refuge of God is available through the same type of prayerful-meditative exercise as our fantasy, but it’s actually able to deliver us through the guidance of Scripture, the presence of His Spirit, and the involvement of His people.

7. Betrayal (Sin as My Revenge)

When betrayal is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our revenge. We know how powerful betrayal is (especially sexual betrayal), so we decide to use its power for our purposes to avenge those who have hurt us. Blinded by pain we try to use pain to conquer pain but only multiply pain. We continue this potentially infinite domino train that pummels us with alternating experiences of betrayal’s pain and betraying’s shame in spite of knowing how it perpetuates pain. Read Romans 12:17-21: It’s so tempting to read this passage as God “holding you back” from sweet relief and satisfaction. But, in reality, it is God “holding you back” from turning another’s betrayal into self-destruction. God is not removing vengeance. God is simply saying He is the only one who can handle its power without being overcome by it. Sin can never conquer sin; any more than oil can remove a stain from your clothes. It is foolish to believe your sexual sin could do what only Christ’s death on the cross could do–bring justice to injustice.

8. Bitterness (Sin as My Justice)

When bitterness is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our justice. If sin as revenge is fast and hot, then sin as justice is slow and cold. No longer are we seeking to hurt another by our actions; now we are merely nursing our wound. If we tried to explain our sin in words, we would have to say we believed our sin had some healing power. But because that seems foolish, we are more prone to just excuse our sin by the sin done to us. Read Hebrews 12:15-17: In this passage a “root of bitterness” is directly linked to sexual sin (v. 16). When bitterness distorts our perspective we will trade things of great value (our integrity and/or family unity) for things of little value (a sexual release or fantasy briefly brought to life) like Esau who sold his birthright for a bowl of soup.

9. Opportunity (Sin as My Pleasure)

When opportunity is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our pleasure. Often sexual sin requires no more trigger than time alone with a computer, a free moment to text, or an available member of the opposite sex to “talk” (i.e., flirt or allow to carry my burdens). When this is the case, sexual sin has become our default recreation–our preferred hobby. The more our sexual sin seeps into the common parts of life the more pervasive the lifestyle and heart changes necessary to root it out.

The reality is that often we dislike the shame and consequences of sin, but we still like the sin itself… That’s because porn is pleasurable. Let’s be honest about that. If we pretend otherwise, we’ll never fight it successfully. People like watching porn—otherwise they wouldn’t watch. The Bible talks about the pleasures of sin. They’re temporary. They’re dangerous. They’re empty pleasures, compared with the glory of God. But they are pleasures, nonetheless. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 15)

Read Philippians 3:17-21: Paul is addressing those whose “god is their belly” (v. 19). These are people whose basic appetites, the mundane parts of their life, were at odds with God. Paul wept at the thought of people in this condition (v. 18). Chances are they had become so comfortable serving their appetites that it would seem odd that Paul was crying for them and “radical” to change. If mere opportunity has become a primary trigger for you sin, let this passage shock you awake!

10. Rejection (Sin as My Comfort) 

When rejection is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our comfort. Our culture has made things done from a “fear of rejection” seem neutral–as if the defensive motive negated the badness of sin, or as if we become the victim of our own sin when we fear rejection. The problem with a fear of rejection is it makes us foolish. Only the fear of the Lord can make us wise (Prov. 1:7). When we react from a fear of rejection, we naturally seek the comfort of people rather than the comfort of God.

Once we understand that the primary goal of sexually addictive behavior is to avoid relational pain—essentially, to control life—we can begin to uncover the core problem (20)… Several tiers below the surface is a pervasive, integral force that demands the right to avoid pain and experience self-fulfillment. This self-centered energy is the very essence of what the Bible calls ‘sin.’ –Harry Schaumburg in False Intimacy (p. 24)

Read Proverbs 29:25: Scripture calls the “fear of rejection” the “fear of man.” It’s not innocent because it replaces God as the One for whose approval we live. It is the values, character, and preferences of the one we fear that influence our decisions, emotions, morality, and instinctive responses. If rejection is your primary motive for sexual sin, allow this passage to challenge the orientation of your life.

11. Failure (Sin as My Success)

When failure is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our success. In the fantasy world of sexual sin (porn, romance media, or adultery), you always win. You get the girl. You are the beauty who is rescued. No part of real life can compete with the early success rate of sin. Sin pays up front and costs in the back. Real success costs up front and pays in the back. In healthy marriages, sacrifice is a primary part of the joy. As you give into sexual sin as a form of success, it will drive you to desire the kinds of successes that destroy a family. Even if the adultery relationship is made permanent, it will then become “real” enough that it will no longer play by your preferred rules of success. Read Matthew 21:28-32: Why would the second son say, “I go, sir” and not do the assigned task (v. 30)? One potential reason is the fear of failure. Doubtless he would then view his father as upset with him and feel closer to someone who only asked of him what he wanted to do (i.e., porn, romantic media, or adultery partner). Using sexual sin as cheap success results in harming real relationships, lying, defensiveness towards being “judged,” and retreating to unhealthy or fictitious relationships. Rather than grading others by how they make you feel, repent of your fear of failure.

12. Success (Sin as My Reward)

When success is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our reward. Has your sexual sin become what you do when you need a break or what you have “earned” after completing something difficult? Has your sexual sin become the carrot you dangle in front of yourself in order to maintain motivation? When sin becomes our reward we feel cheated by repentance. God and anyone who speaks on His behalf becomes a kill-joy. Read Hebrews 11:23-28: Moses faced a choice between which reward he believed would be most satisfying: the treasure of Egypt or the privilege of being God’s servant (v. 26). Sexual sin gives us a similar reward choice: easy treasure or humble servant. Unless Christ is our hero and God our admired Father, then the choice seems like a no-brainer in the direction of destruction.

13. Entitlement (Sin as My Deserved)

When entitlement is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes what we deserve. When you are confronted with your sexual sin, do you think or say, “How else am I going to get what I need… deserve… earned?” Can you see how sexual sin has become your measure for a “good day” and whether someone is “for” or “against” you? Are you willing to allow anyone other than Christ who died for the sin you are trying to squeeze life out of to be the measure of “good” in your life? Read Jeremiah 6:15 and 8:12: The people of God had lost their ability to blush at sin. Why? One possible explanation (that can explain our inability to blush even if it doesn’t apply to them), is they believed they deserved their sin. When this happens, we believe we know better than God. We believe the unique features of our life trump the timeless truths of God’s created order. Our confidence to debate robs us of the humility necessary to blush.

14. Desire to Please (Sin as My Affirmation)

When the desire to please is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our affirmation. It’s easy to please a porn star or an adultery partner. They have a vested interest in being pleased. The entire relationship is based upon commerce (“the customer is always right”) or convenience (“if I am not pleasing to you, you have somewhere else to return”) rather than commitment (“I choose you unconditionally and faithfully in good times and in bad”). Too often sexual sin becomes a place of escape when we don’t feel like we can make everyone/anyone happy. Read Ephesians 4:25-32: Notice the type of relational interaction described in these verses is incompatible with an overly strong desire to please others. We cannot live the life God called us to (regardless of whether we are sinning sexually or not) if our driving desire is the affirmation of others. Our conversation must be gracious and good for building up (v. 29), but that assumes we are willing to speak into areas of weakness with those we love.

15. Time of Day (Sin as Pacifier)

When time of day is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our pacifier. Do you use your sexual sin to help you sleep, get the day started, serve as a pick-me-up, fight boredom, or kill dead time? What are the common times of day or week when you struggle with sexual sin? When has your sexual sin become routine? Read I Timothy 4:7-10: When you use sin as a pacifier you are training yourself for ungodliness (contra. v. 7). Often, because these occurrences happen during down times or transitions of our day, we view these occurrences of sin as less bad. We view them more like a child who is still sucking his/her fingers rather than a child who is defying a parent’s direct instruction. If disciplining ourselves for godliness means anything, it must be relevant when we feel undisciplined.

16. Location (Sin as My Escape)

When location is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our escape. The fantasy nature of all sexual sin makes it a perfect escape from an unpleasant location. We can “be there” and “not be there” at the same time. We get credit for attendance (or at least avoid the discredit of absence) without having to attend. We can mentally be with our lover while enduring the boring meeting, stressful kids, uninteresting spouse, lonely apartment, or other unpleasant setting. Read Psalm 32: Notice the Psalm begins talking about an unpleasant place or time (v. 1-5). But rather than escaping, David ran to God (v. 7) and found the joy you are seeking through escape into sexual sin (v. 10-11). When we escape through sexual fantasy, we use our fantasy as a substitute God. We are, in effect, praying to and meditating on our sin during a time of hardship seeking deliverance.

17. Negative Self-Thoughts (Sin as My Silencer)

When negative self-thoughts are our trigger for sin, then sin becomes our silencer. In sexual fantasy (porn, romance media, or adultery partner), we are always desired and see ourselves through the eyes of the one desiring us. We give ourselves to them not just physically but also imaginatively. Because we know the relationship is short-lived we are willing to do this. If the relationship were permanent the power of silencing-effect would be diluted over the expanse of time and contradicted by our growing number of failures in his/her presence. Read Psalm 103: Sin (or even a healthy human relationship) will never do  what only God can do. The ultimate “Peace, be still” to our negative self-thoughts is Christ’s death on the cross–affirming we were as bad as we thought, but replacing our deficiency with His righteousness. Sexual sin provides fantasy righteousness. It provides the kind of covering mocked in the classic children’s book The Emperor’s New Clothes.

18. Public (Sin as My Carnival)

When public is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our carnival. We walk through life like a kid at an amusement park; gawking at every person we see like a new ride or romantic adventure, making a clownish sexual innuendo out of every comment, or treating everything present as if it existed to entertain us and stimulate us sexually. Our private thoughts of fantasy become fueled by a hyper-sexualized interpretation of our surroundings.

The act of looking at porn is itself part of the succor it purports to offer. I can search for women who are available to me. I can choose between them like some sovereign being. It offers a sense of control. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 50)

Read Romans 1:24-25: Can you hear in the description of sex as my carnival what it means to have “exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator (v. 25)”? God will give us over to this kind of lustful heart (v. 24). This is why a radical amputation of sin is a necessary and wise response to prevent sexual sin from becoming our carnival (Matt 5:27-30).

19. Weakness (Sin as My Power)

When weakness is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our power. The stimulation (both the physical and chemical changes associated with arousal) of sexual sin gives a façade of strength. Having another person delight in you also provides a veneer of significance. As with most of these motives/triggers, sex becomes a means to an end. Sex is no longer an expression of love but an attempt to gain something. That is always a recipe for dysfunctional, unsatisfying sex.

My pastor has preached that the primary issue in adultery is that you want someone else to worship you and serve you, to be at your beck and call. That resonated with me. I could see that theme in my fantasies. –Anonymous testimony in David Powlison’s Pornography: Slaying the Dragon (p. 15)

Read 2 Corinthians 11:30: Are you willing to boast (verbally put on public display) your weakness as a way to make Christ more known and live in more authentic relationships? That is the only freedom that will allow you to enduringly enjoy what you are seeking in sexual sin. If that sounds backwards to you, read what Paul said in his first letter to the Corinthians (1:20-25) and ask yourself if your “wisdom” is getting you closer or farther from where you want to be.

Identifying Your Triggers

List and rank the top five motives/triggers for your sexual sin.

  1. __________________________________________________
  2. __________________________________________________
  3. __________________________________________________
  4. __________________________________________________
  5. __________________________________________________

Porn is always about a symptom of deeper issues. It’s about lust, but it’s also about anger, intimacy, control, fear, escape, and so on. Many of these problems will show up in other areas of a person’s life. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 109)

For some people the motive for their sexual sin will be very self-evident. Maybe you could quickly pick out the motive-triggers that deceive you into believing sin is “worth it” or will “work out” this time. For others, it requires reflection in the moment of temptation to discern what is luring them. If this is you, here’s a journaling tool from the False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery seminar that is designed to help you understand your motives. When we understand the motive for our sin, it allows us to hear the empty promises sin makes so we can turn to our loving Heavenly Father who is willing and able to fulfill those promises. I hope this post has helped you see the emptiness of sin so that you are prepared to embrace the fullness of God in the gospel.

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Porn and Sexual Violence: 10 Facts from the Experts

by Matt Fradd

1. According to a meta-analysis of 46 different studies, if you watch pornography you have a 31% increased risk of accepting rape myths—that is, believing things that would reduce your empathy for a rape victim or lead you to blame a rape victim for being assaulted. 1

2. According to one college-age study, the prevalence of objectifying images of women in your dorm room or fraternity house significantly correlates to having attitudes that are hostile to rape victims. 2

3. According to another college-age study, if you are a woman exposed early to pornography in life, you’re more likely to have rape fantasies and you’re more likely to have attitudes that support sexual violence against women. 3

4. According to a study done among women involved in a battered women’s program, the use of pornography by their partners significantly increased the odds of the women being sexually abused by their partners. 4

5. According to one meta-analysis, watching porn is correlated with a 22% increase risk of committing sexual offenses. 1

6. According to the same meta-analysis, watching porn is correlated to a 31% increase of developing sexually deviant tendencies. 1

7. According to a report submitted to the U.S. Justice Department, men arrested for visiting prostitutes are at least twice as likely to be porn users than a random national sample of men. 5

8. According to a study of Italian teens, viewing porn was significantly correlated with committing acts of sexual violence and engaging in unwanted sex. 6

9. According to a Japanese study, men exposed to rape porn where the victims show pleasure in the act of rape are significantly more likely to believe that higher percentages of rape cases are simply invented by victims. 7

10. According to the same study, these men exposed to rape porn were also significantly more likely to believe women could enjoy rape. 7

The evidence is clear. Consuming porn is associated with all kinds of attitudes and, in some, even behaviors, that do not make this world a better place.

1.Elizabeth Oddone Paolucci, Mark Genuis, Claudio Violato, “A meta-analysis of the published research on the effects of pornography,” The Changing Family and Child Development (January 2000): 48–59.

2. E. Timothy Bleecker and Sarah K. Murnen, “Fraternity membership, the display of degrading sexual images of women, and rape myth acceptance,” Sex Roles 53 (2005): 487-493.

3. Shawn Corne, John Briere, and Lillian Esses, “Women’s attitudes and fantasies about rape as a function of early exposure to pornography,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 7 (1992): 454-461.

4. Janet Hinson Shoppe, “When words are not enough: The search for the effect of pornography on abused women,” Violence Against Women 10 (2004): 56-72.

5. Martin Monto, Focusing on the Clients of Street Prostitutes: A Creative Approach to Reducing Violence Against Women, Report submitted to the U.S. Department of Justice, Oct. 30, 1999.

6. Silvia Bonino, Silvia Ciarirano, Emanuela Rabaglietti, and Elna Cattelino, “Use of pornography and self-reported engagement in sexual violence among adolescents,” European Journal of Developmental Psychology 3 (2006): 265-288.

7. Ken-Ichi Ohbuchi, Tatsuhiko Ikeda, and Goya Takeuchi, “Effects of violent pornography upon viewer’s rape myth beliefs: A study of Japanese males,” Psychology, Crime & Law 1 (1994): 71-81.

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What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You | Part 2

by Jay Stringer – https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/12/12/what-sexual-fantasies-reveal-part-2/

The evangelical community’s preoccupation with combatting lust has over-simplified and trivialized a far more complex issue within human sexuality. We exert tremendous effort attempting to stop our sexual fantasies, but neglect the critical task of understanding what these fantasies might be communicating. Efforts to eliminate lust set us up to manage our sexual life with a tourniquet. We end up spending the best years of our life battling the flow of lust, darting our eyes away from attractive people, and taking drastic measures to stay accountable. I think we can all agree this is not what God had in mind for desire, sex, and community.

Our inability to “succeed” in purity only compounds our pain. In our pain, we default to the same, ineffective treatment plan. We spend time in prayer, pursue accountability, occasionally hide, and hope that God might change us. The complexity is that these well-intended efforts fail to engage the underlying issues that drive our sexual lust and anger. A much better approach might begin by asking God to help us understand our lust.

This year I completed research on the key drivers of unwanted sexual behavior, be that pornography, an affair, buying sex and the like. Over 3,600 men and women participated in the study. What I can tell you is that sexual struggles are not random or capricious. They develop in the formative emotional and sexual soil of your childhood and flourish in the unaddressed dynamics of your present life.

In my first blog on sexual fantasies, I addressed sexual fantasies where men had power over women. I received many requests to take a closer look at the other most common sexual fantasy of males–being pursued by an older or more powerful woman, and that’s what this follow-up article speaks to.

Your Sexual Fantasies Are Not Random

Jeff was in his late 20’s when he began experiencing a season of painful depression. The majority of his friends were married and Jeff’s career had seemingly plateaued at his company. He had no idea what to do next. In his paralysis, Jeff found himself caring less about the things he once worked so hard to maintain–integrity, a healthy lifestyle, and ambition. In a moment of distress, he e-mailed a mentor from college asking if they had a referral to see a therapist for depression.

When I met Jeff, his pain was palpable. He stared out the window and looked long into the gray Seattle horizon. What he eventually disclosed was that he picked me as a therapist because of my focus on unwanted sexual behavior. Jeff did not believe he was a sex addict, but did believe that pornography was playing a role in his life that he did not want. Additionally, his pornography use led him to believe that he was unwanted.

There is a glut of information out there that tells us Jeff’s struggle with pornography is a common problem in our society. But this data tells us little about the ‘why’ behind our collective drive for pornography. My research found that the type of pornography and sexual behavior you pursue can be predicted by the major themes and significant relationships that have marked your life.

Jeff disclosed that his struggle with pornography would often escalate during periods of depression. He remarked, “The more I feel pain and hopelessness, the more I seek out porn.” Curious, I asked Jeff how he curates his porn searches based on his emotional pain. He paused for a moment and asked, “So you think the specifics of my porn searches are associated with the particular pain I am experiencing?”

I responded by saying that each of us have an arousal cocktail. This is a mixture of thoughts, images, stories, and fantasies that influence the pornographic content we find arousing. When we find ourselves depressed, angry, bored, or lonely, we will often seek out a particular type of pornography apropos to our situation. If we want to outgrow our need for pornography, we need to gain a sense of what it symbolizes for us.

My research showed that the majority of men pursued sexual fantasies where they had power over women. This often involved men seeking out women who were younger, had a smaller body type, and had a particular race that suggested (to them) subservience. The other primary category for men however dealt with men who wanted the woman in the pornography to have the power (or at least for it to appear that way). These men fantasized about older women, attractive mother figures, and women in positions of authority over them (boss, teacher, etc.).

Jeff disclosed to me that his primary pornography searches tend to be for attractive mother figures. The videos that appeal to him the most involve a plot where a friend’s mom or a teacher single out a male student or young adult. The mother or authority figure sees the man’s charm, or need or sadness, and eventually seduces him to sex.

Sexual Abuse Shapes Pornography Preferences

After Jeff disclosed this, he remembered a movie he saw in college about an older woman who cares for a teenager in a state of distress. When the adolescent is nursed back to health, the woman seduces him. As a college student, he attempted to find the specific sex scenes from this film on the Internet and he pursued pornography portraying similar themes. Jeff thought for a moment and said, “This is really interesting. I definitely seek out a lot of variety in porn, but the main theme is definitely about wanting to be pursued, cared for, and eventually seduced by an older woman.”

In our following session, Jeff wanted to continue to explore why older women captured his sexual fantasy life. I reflected to Jeff that many of his fantasies entailed the use of porn or film, but wondered if this fantasy preference was mirroring anything that had happened to him personally. Jeff thought about it for a moment and then revealed that his first “sexualization moment” came in the context of someone about six years older than him.

Jeff was in 5th grade, when his parents began going on dates once or twice a month. His babysitter was a 16-year-old family friend named Christina. A typical evening entailed Christina cooking dinner for Jeff and his two little sisters and then getting the girls down to sleep. When Christina came back downstairs, she would take out a game like Uno for her and Jeff to play. At first, Jeff felt tremendously shy around her, but the more games and laughter they shared, the more he grew to love their time together.

Jeff remembered coming home from a rough day of school where he was made fun of for wearing “whitey tighties” instead of “boxers” like the other cool classmates. Although he felt shame, he also found himself anticipating time with Christina later that night. He fantasized about her laughing with him and how she would often tap his leg with delight when he would win a game or say something silly. He learned in that moment that fantasy could reduce pain.

One Friday night in early December, Christina proposed a new idea. She would take off her shirt and let him touch her body if he won the game. Jeff’s body shook with anticipation and fear. Christina read him well and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll guide you. It’s going to be fun.”

Jeff’s sexual abuse continued until Christina got a job the following spring at a store that required her to work weekend evenings. Jeff felt so ambivalent about his relationship to his babysitter. He loved Christina’s attention, her touch, her high school status, but he also felt so abandoned and used when she left her babysitting post.

What Your Porn Searches Might Say About You

As you may have noticed, Jeff’s formative childhood experiences of sex had to do with being emotionally pursued, aroused, and eventually abandoned by someone six years older than him. The question then must be asked–how could he expect his sexual struggles as an adult to not be reflective of this story? His pornography use was an attempt to find a familiar sexual story, but also to be in control of how it played out. In this way, unwanted sexual behavior does more than expose your sin, it reveals the portions of your life that are unaddressed and therefore unresolved.

My research showed that men who fantasized about mother figures, larger body types, and women who appeared to be in a position of power had three key drivers:

  • Depression
  • A history of sexual abuse
  • A father who confided in his son about his difficulties with his personal life or marriage.

Once you dive deeper into the ‘why’ of your sexual fantasies, you quickly enter the stories that await your engagement. Sexual brokenness, if you listen to it, will reveal your way to healing.

Listen to Your Lust

My hope is that as you read this post, scenes were coming to mind. I am not asking you to draw hard and fast conclusions between your formative sexual experiences and your present day sexual brokenness. Instead, the point is to reconsider stories you may have long ago dismissed as irrelevant to your struggle with pornography.

The irony of unwanted sexual fantasy is that it will be the most honest portion of your life until you begin to address your past wounds and the difficulties of your present life. Apart from sheer willpower and militant surveillance, Jeff would not be able to stop using pornography until two core issues of his life were confronted.

For one, Jeff needed to address the reenactment occurring in pursuing a pornographic world where older women would pursue him in similar way to the erotic and harmful abuse he experienced. Secondly, Jeff’s depression stemming from his career plateau allowed pornography to take up residence like a squatter. His pornography use offered him a surrogate experience of “care,” but it only furthered the judgment against himself for his inability to move out of paralysis. The antidote was to take responsibility for his own care by pursuing therapeutic and professional guidance.

Sexual fantasies are messengers. You may not like the news they bring, but they will knock on the door of your life until you listen to what they need to tell you. In my experience, talking to your accountability partner or therapist about the possible meaning within your sexual fantasies will take you further into transformation than a hundred nights of prayerful despair.

Sexual Brokenness Is the Stage of Redemption

Porn searches await your curiosity and invite your kindness. Romans 2:4 is clear that the kindness of God is what leads to change. Very often it is our self-hatred that blinds us from seeing the kind face of God. It is my firm conviction that God is neither surprised nor ashamed of our sexual struggles, but understands them to be the very stage through which the work of redemption will be played out. If sexual struggles are not grounds for judgment, they are the very geography where we come to know the kindness and transforming power of God.

A few questions to consider:

  • What are the specific pornography searches that tend to arouse you the most? What might these sexual fantasies symbolize?
  • What age were these sexual fantasies established? What was going on in your life at the time?
  • Think of a time in the last 6 months when you used pornography to provide you relief and simultaneously find power amidst depression or futility.

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What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You | Part 1

by Jay Stringer – https://jay-stringer.com/what-your-sexual-fantasies-might-say-about-you-part-1/

For too long, the evangelical community has treated sexual fantasies and sexual struggles as something to condemn. Addressing sexual fantasies through the lens of abhorrent behavior intensifies shame and therefore deepens your involvement in the very behavior you wish to stop.

There is another approach. It begins by listening to your lust. Internet search bars and browser histories expose your sin, but far more, they reveal the unaddressed and therefore unresolved stories of your life. Sexual fantasies are roadmaps. They pinpoint the location of your past harm and highlight the current roadblocks that keep you from freedom.

OUR SEXUAL FANTASIES ARE NOT RANDOM

This year I completed research on the key drivers of unwanted sexual behavior, be that pornography, an affair, buying sex, and the like. Over 3,600 men and women participated in the study. What I can tell you is that sexual struggles are not random or capricious. They develop in the formative emotional and sexual soil of your childhood and flourish in the unaddressed dynamics of your present life.

It is my conviction that God is neither surprised nor ashamed of our sexual struggles, but understands them to be the very stage through which the work of redemption will be played out. The sooner we assume a posture of curiosity for our sexual fantasies, the more we will prepare our hearts for the redemptive work ahead.

A client named Ben entered therapy in an attempt to stop the debilitating anxiety he was experiencing at work. Ben’s boss was emotionally abusive, even outright humiliating at times. Weekends offered no reprieve. Almost every Saturday morning an e-mail would arrive in Ben’s inbox telling him to complete a report by Monday. Ben was working 55 hours a week in a mid-level job and felt like a helpless teenager. A few sessions into our work together, Ben revealed a secret struggle: pornography.

There is a glut of information that tells us that Ben’s struggle with pornography is a common problem in our society. But this data tells us little about the ‘why’ behind our collective drive for pornography. My research found that the type of pornography and sexual behavior you pursue can be predicted by the major themes and significant relationships that have marked your life.

We will focus today on the ‘why’ behind two common sexual fantasies of men. In a future blog, I hope to explore the ‘why” behind particular sexual fantasies of women. My bias is that pornography for men is less about lust, and far more about the issue of power. This frames the language I use to interpret the research findings.

WHAT YOUR SEXUAL FANTASIES MIGHT SAY ABOUT YOU

One of the most common sexual fantasies for men had to do with the desire for power over women. Other popular fantasies for men included: a desire for women to have power over them, a diverse choice in sexual partners, sex that was aggressive or violent, an affair, and buying sex.

Men who wanted power over women tended to pursue pornography where women were younger, had a smaller body type, and had a particular race or appearance that suggested (to them) subservience.

What predicted this type of sexual fantasy in men? There are three key drivers:

  1. His level of shame
  2. His sense of futility
  3. Growing up with a strict father

Men with the highest levels of shame were those that wanted the most power over women. The writing on the wall is that men find power over women arousing precisely because it gives them an arena to find dominance amidst a life filled with shame and futility.

While some men found having power over women arousing, others in my research tended to want the woman in pornography to have the power. These men often fantasized about older women, attractive mother figures, or women in positions of authority who would pursue them. I examine this second fantasy in more detail in “What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You–Part 2.”

What were the key predictors for this type of sexual fantasy?

  1. A man’s depression
  2. A history of sexual abuse
  3. A father who confided in his son about his personal life and marriage difficulties

Once you dive deeper into the ‘why’ of your sexual fantasies, you quickly enter the stories that await your engagement. Let’s take a look at some of the stories that influenced Ben’s sexual fantasies.

OUR SEXUAL FANTASIES ARE ROADMAPS

I asked Ben to tell me about the origins of his involvement with pornography. Ben’s first exposure was in high school. Ben made his varsity baseball team as a freshman. The upperclassmen used his younger age as the context for emotional and sexual hazing. They ripped out images from porn magazines and scattered them throughout Ben’s gym bag and locker. A week later, Ben would undergo his official initiation to the team in the locker room. He was pinned down and forced to breathe through another teammate’s protective athletic cup as they stripped his shorts off and drizzled ICYHOT over his crotch. In the opening game of the season, Ben dropped what would have been the final out in left field, allowing the opposing team to win the game.

In my following session with Ben, I asked him about the particulars of his pornography searches. He looked down and then back up to me and said, “I have never thought about that. Why is that even important?”

I responded by telling him that everyone has an arousal cocktail–a mixture of thoughts, images, stories, and fantasies that influence the content we find arousing. In isolation or in toxic religious cultures, we believe sexual fantasies reveal our iniquity. In reality, sexual fantasies reveal our wounds and even the God-given desires we have for comfort, belonging, and risk. If you want to outgrow your need for pornography, you need to gain a sense of what it symbolizes to you.

Ben disclosed that he tends to scroll through pornography sites until he finds video stills with a younger woman’s face or body in a posture of submission to the men in the video. Ben paused after he said this and shook his head with disgust. He intuitively knew that this type of pornography was not so much about lust, but really about power. He said to me, “I know this probably sounds disturbing. I wish it wasn’t all true, but I really hate my life and I really love porn.”

As you may have noticed, Ben’s formative sexual experiences were marked by humiliation and powerlessness. The question must be asked–how could he expect his sexual struggles as an adult to be any different?

The evening Ben’s team lost the game, he was dropped off by a teammate and walked into a dark home. He was angry his parents did not wait up to greet him after witnessing his devastating evening. He took a shower and then pulled out one of the pornographic images planted in his gym bag. Ben stood over the image and felt an immense arousal at the power and pleasure it gave him.

Baseball, teammates, and home were all brutal realities. In contrast, pornography was a magical symphony of reprieve, pleasure, and eroticized power. That evening, the foundation of Ben’s sexual fantasy life was established. Pornography says to men, “Give me all your shame, humiliation, and futility and I will give you a world where it all goes away.”

LISTENING TO YOUR LUST AND FANTASIES

Attempting to address your sexual struggles without understanding the unique stories you bring to the altar of pornography will be an exercise in futility. The irony of sexual fantasy is that it will be the most honest portion of your life until you begin to address your past wounds and the madness of your present life.

Ben attempted to bury the pain of his past and minimize the humiliation of his work life. His anxiety and lust however would have none of that. They continued to cry out.

Sexual fantasies are messengers. You may not like the news they bring, but they will knock on the door of your life until you listen to what they need to tell you. One evening of deliberate curiosity about your sexual fantasies will take you further into transformation than a thousand nights of prayerful despair.

In therapy, I began to work with Ben on the concept of sexual fantasy as a roadmap rather than evidence of his abhorrent behavior. Ben noticed that his pornography desires involved the humiliation of women. He recognized that power over women was appealing precisely because of the lack of power he seemed to have in reality. Ben hated his boss, but felt powerless to do anything about it. This hatred had to be directed somewhere, and as is often the case with men, Ben aimed his anger at women.

Attempting to stop Ben’s pornography use without addressing his humiliation or sexual abuse would never be effective. He had been involved with accountability partners in the past, but the focus remained solely on lust. The underlying factors that drove his pornography use were overlooked.

The particularities of Ben’s pornography struggles were now opening the map of his life. He pinpointed story after story that cried out to be healed. Understanding his fantasy life reduced his shame and therefore reduced his need for pornography. As our first year of therapy concluded, one thing was clear: Ben was far less seduced by power over women because he no longer abdicated his power to care for himself.

KINDNESS CHANGES THE HUMAN HEART

Father Richard Rohr notes, “If you do not transform your pain, you will always transmit it. Always someone else has to suffer because I don’t know how to suffer; that is what it comes down to.”

One of the profound masculine questions of our day is this: is violence and consumption of women the way we want to atone for our traumas? Pain is transmitted when men abdicate responsibility to own their pain. Pain is transformed when men own the harm they have done and vulnerably pursue comfort for the harm done against them. Turning to face our wounds is the first significant step we can take on our journey out of unwanted sexual behavior.

Our sexual fantasies are not evidence of abhorrent behavior; they are roadmaps inviting us into the journey of transformation. As such, they await your curiosity and invite your kindness.

Romans 2:4 is clear that the kindness of God is what leads to change. Kindness, not new strategies to combat lust, not new books to understand addiction, not software to block erotic content. Very often, it is our self-hatred that blinds us from seeing the kind face of God.

One thing that always surprises me about God is that He asks questions to those in distress.  To Adam, God asks, “Where are you?” To Cain, God asks, “Why are you so angry, and why has your face fallen?” To Hagar, the angel of the Lord inquires, “Where do you come from and where are you going?”

If sexual struggles are not grounds for judgment, they become the very geography where we come to know the kindness of God.

Here are a few questions to consider:

  • What are the specific sexual fantasies or pornography searches that tend to arouse you the most? What might these sexual fantasies symbolize?
  • What age were these sexual fantasies established? What was going on in your life at the time?
  • Was there a time in the last six months when you used pornography or sexual fantasy to give you power in a time of futility or anger?

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Keys to Rewiring Porn Brain: Desensitization

by Sathiya Sam – https://www.sathiyasam.com/

We have been getting a lot of questions about how porn specifically affects the brain, and something tells me you may have some of the same questions.

In case you didn’t know – I was a university researcher for several years before becoming a local church pastor, so the whole neuroscience thing through a Biblical lens is kind of my jam 🤓.

The male brain is changing in some pretty disturbing ways these days. To give you an idea…

  1. Men under the age of 40 experience erectile dysfunction at about 25-30% (!!!!!!!!). This is insane. Back in 2000, the rate was <5%.
  2. About 80% of pornographic content depicts violence, anger, or very intense sex scenes.
  3. Porn increases divorce rates by as much as 56% (and the divorce rate is already pretty dang high)…

These alarming trends can all be accounted for by a concept in neuroscience called desensitization.

Let me ask you something…

Have you ever walked into a room that had a funny smell? Like Uncle Rick let one rip real bad right before you walked in and now he’s trying to play it cool and pretend he didn’t do it when he’s the only other person in the room and it’s very obvious he did it?

(You know what I’m talking about…)

What happens about 30-45 seconds later? The smell starts to disappear (assuming Uncle Rick has no more gas left in the tank, so to speak).

You may tell yourself, “Oh the rancid fumes of Uncle Rick’s crop duster have finally blown away!”

Not so.

What actually took place was a process called desensitization.

In other words, your nerve cells got used to the stimulus (those poor nerve cells) to the point that the fart fumes no longer register. Our nerve cells are responsible for detecting CHANGES in stimulus, rather than stimulus itself.

This is also why when you squish in the backseat of a car with a bunch of people, at first it feels uncomfortable and you’re very aware that your legs are touching other people’s legs. But after a while, you don’t even notice.

The legs didn’t go anywhere. Your nervous system simply became desensitized because there were no changes in stimulus. The only way you’d become aware of the legs is if someone (or you) started to shuffle around.

When you watch porn regularly, your brain experiences arousal desensitization.

Remember the good ol’ days of puberty where the pretty blonde-hair, blue-eyed (or black-hair, brown-eyed for my fellow darker skinned readers) taking a glance in your direction was enough for you to pitch a tent?

Well if you continue to watch porn, those glances no longer do the trick. Porn provides abnormally high amounts of stimulus that nothing in real life can compete with.

And as you keep watching highly-stimulating content (aka. porn), your brain’s threshold to experience arousal starts to elevate.

Then after a while, you notice that the same kind of content you used to watch doesn’t cut it.

So you try some “new” stuff.

The kind of stuff you used to judge other people for watching (or doing).

It’s not because you’re so messed up and dark. It’s because your brain has become desensitized and is looking for a new way to experience arousal like it used to.

But in the process…

The threshold becomes SO high, that when you engage in normal sex, it’s not enough to register any kind of arousal. Hence why 1/3 men under the age of 40 are dealing with ED right now.

When the Bible says that we are transformed by the renewing of our mind (Rom 12:2), there is a hidden principle in there that we must grasp…

How we think determines how we function.

Which is why desensitizing your brain is a big deal. A desensitized brain leads a zombie of a man. Numb, disconnected, and fragmented.

Talk soon,
Sathiya