Castimonia

Originally posted at: https://sexuallypuremen.beehiiv.com/p/i-m-in-trouble-no-you-re-not

Fear. It lies at the heart of what prevents many betrayers from helping their betrayed partners heal and move forward. One of the most troublesome fears is the thought, “I am in trouble.” This fear often surfaces when the betrayed partner, deep in grief, becomes emotionally escalated. Her pain is enormous, and she desperately wants to be seen and heard. Meanwhile, he wants to run.

Consider Kim and Tom. Both work from home, and Kim is attempting to heal from Tom’s two emotional affairs, which were uncovered three years ago. One day, Kim walks into Tom’s office and asks, “I have a question. Why do you never come to my office to check on me?”

At first, Tom’s anxiety is only slightly elevated as he responds, “Because I’m busy.”

I probably don’t need to tell you—that’s a terrible answer. Even if it were true (which it isn’t entirely—he could certainly find five minutes, twice a day, to check in on Kim), it lacks curiosity and emotional engagement. A better response might be, “It sounds like you’re feeling lonely. Is that true?”

But Tom doesn’t go there because his Inner Child—reacting from past experiences—fears that the longer the conversation continues, the greater the chance Kim will become frustrated and angry, and he will be in trouble.

If Tom takes a moment to reflect, he will likely realize that he avoids checking in on Kim for the same reason—fear of being in trouble.

But Here’s the Truth

You are a grown man. Just because your spouse is angry with you does not mean you are in trouble. What it means is that she is in pain. And yes, she may be expressing that pain by lashing out, but you are not in trouble.

It may feel like you’re in trouble, but you’re not. Why? Because your spouse is not an authority figure in your life. Only authority figures have the power to impose consequences that truly put you in trouble.

• If you get caught speeding and appear before a judge—you’re in trouble.
• If you fail to pay your taxes and are called for an audit—you’re in trouble.
• If your boss is unhappy with your job performance—you’re in trouble.

But when your spouse expresses anger, she is grieving the betrayal you brought into the relationship. She is in pain, but your Inner Child perceives her grief as hostility. And with that mindset, you will continually try to shut down her grieving process.

If you believe you’re in trouble, you will also believe you’re being punished. And if she asks for a separation, wants you to leave for the night, or feels the need to track your whereabouts, you might interpret it as punishment. But it’s not. She’s not trying to punish you—she’s trying to protect herself from being hurt again or obtain some much need space.

Tom tries to protect himself from his misconception that he is in trouble by hiding from Kim whenever he can. But the reality is:

• Kim is his wife.
• He has hurt Kim with his actions.
• Kim is in deep pain and sometimes struggles with how to handle it.
• Kim may be angry, but Tom is not in trouble.
• Tom is dealing with the consequences of his actions and Kim’s pain, not a punishment.

Shifting Your Mindset

When a betrayer can shift away from the negative mindset of “I’m in trouble” and instead focus on “My wife is hurting deeply,” he can avoid falling into patterns of defensiveness, withdrawal, lying, gaslighting, and avoidance. Instead, he will learn to be present, curious, empathetic, and engaged.

As my Inner Child Model teaches, we must move away from emotionally driven thinking and assess situations based on what is real.