Forgiveness in marriage is wild, dangerous, and wonderful. It is like no other relationship. A marriage entered into before God, in particular, has dynamics, ideas, and resources hidden that few utilize. I would like to share the concept of Covenantal Forgiveness (CF). It is a paradigm by Sauerheber and Ponton (2017) of handling infidelity. Infidelity does not simply mean extramarital sex, but any breach of trust in marriage. This approach takes the God-ordained variable seriously and the Church’s view that marriage is a sacrament. The gravity of the marriage covenant is neither meant to shame wrongdoings nor to intimidate the one hoping for forgiveness, but rather to provide strength for the couple to draw from. I will continue to discuss forgiveness in marriage, but I want to briefly mention that Jesus does allow for divorce as a legitimate option for sexual immorality (Mt 5:32). Scripture assumes the couple has mutually consented to fight for the marriage.
Forgiveness vs Covenantal Forgiveness
For a discussion of forgiveness for a prominent scholar, see McCullough et. al., who define forgiveness as “a motivational transformation that inclines people to inhibit relationship-destructive responses and to behave constructively toward someone who has behaved destructively toward them”(1997). This is a clinical way of asserting that the offended partner will be kind to the partner who wronged them. See Everett Worthington for more on the topic of forgiveness. The goal here is to articulate the difference between CF and forgiveness, and then to describe the 6 stages of CF. The three main differences between forgiveness and CF lie in orientation, service, and volition.
Orientation
Forgiveness, in psychological literature, is inwardly focused on how the offended partner feels, but CF is oriented around the repair and goal of the covenantal relationship, with God’s help. In other words, the offended seeks to mirror Christ and His Church interpersonal peace, and seeks to reflect the abiding love that God has toward the church. The couple will, therefore, seek to repair the relationship. So, the 6 stages of covenantal forgiveness are more centered around the orientation of the relationship and upholding the covenant than the couple’s feelings.
Service
CF, as opposed to forgiveness, is, by definition, done in the service of the relationship. The content of the vows expected that both partners would forgive and be forgiven for the sake of the relationship. It is the nature of the relationship to seek to grow closer to one another. “Forgiveness is not a transaction, but rather an intentional, enduring encounter within the covenant relationship”. In other words, the covenant itself is an agent of change in the hearts of each partner, for they serve the relationship, not just themselves.
Volition
CF is volitional because forgiveness in marriage is freely chosen, not just at the time of cognitive forgiveness, but also at the altar, when a couple says, “I do”. Forgiveness, then, is keeping a promise that was made, not just to the partner, but to the community and before God. For the Christian, forgiveness was the choice that the couple willfully made when they entered into the marriage, and continues to be a choice that they get to make to uphold their sides of the covenant.
Five Stages of Covenantal Forgiveness
There are 6 parts to covenantal forgiveness in a Christian marriage. The speed at which one passes through each stage depends on the trust, vulnerability, and regulation of each of the partners, and the level of severity of the infidelity. The authors, however, did not mention an estimated pace. The 6 stages of forgiveness are recognition, confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation, and redemption.
Recognition
Recognition is an articulation of both parties on the incongruence between what has been done and what aligns, or doesn’t align, with the covenant. The incongruence may not simply be the event(s) that are the cause for repentance, but may have existed before and may still persist. It is important, especially for the offending party, to vulnerably point out their own shortcomings.
Confession
Now that the sin is recognized, a confession of the relationship is the next step. I understand Sauerherbert and Ponton to mean an older form of confession, which is to articulate ‘’’. It is similar to the Church’s recitation of a liturgy or belief. Here, the couple is to “acknowledge the meaning of their covenant and their belief in its value in their lives” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). It is an assurance in front of both parties that they affirm and believe in the commitment to the relationship. This confession lays the groundwork for genuine repentance.
Repentance
Repentance is a 180-degree turn from the incongruence between the ideal marriage relationship and the offender’s actions, and an acknowledgement of the destruction that the behavior caused. If acting out is the problem, then repentance means more outer circle activity and an acknowledgement of her pain and the distrust that it’s caused. Repentance is not typically a one-and-done act, but is a “process that cannot be rushed” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). However, once the couple has cleared the debris through recognition and has laid the foundation of confession and repentance, then forgiveness can be built.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the arduous task of choosing to relate, feel, and think towards the offending party as though he or she had never done it. There are, of course, boundaries that may need to be put in place for both parties’ safety, but it is a gift freely given and, according to the authors, sometimes not owed, as in the case of infidelity. I may argue that forgiveness is required (Jn 20:23; Mt 6:12), but perhaps reconciliation is not. For example, Jesus does allow for divorce for sexual immorality, but both parties must forgive in their heart. The point here is to begin to mend the relationship, and over time, forgiveness on the part of the offended helps the offender see themself as beloved.
Reconciliation
Reconciliation is returning, not simply to normal, but a return to that point of mutual delight and lifegiving intimacy, for marriage, at its best, is a reflection of Christ’s patient love for the Church and the Trinity’s delight in one another. Practically, reconciliation requires a commitment to shared activities, honest communication, and the covenant. Coming to a place of vibrancy in marriage may seem like a faraway place, but there is a further place of glory in store called redemption.
Redemption
Redemption is the hope of a better tomorrow. “Covenantal forgiveness suggests that the partners and the marital bond will not only survive the infidelity, but will, through the graces of work and prayer, be transformed in a positive way by the experience.” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). In other words, damage done can be used for good in the relationship (Gen 50:20). The marriage is meant to reflect Christ and the Church, which was a story of distance and redemption.
Conclusion
I realize that I am writing to those who are addicted to unwanted and compulsive sexual behavior, of whom I am one, and who are usually the perpetrators of infidelity, so why do I share about forgiveness? My aim here is to share a forgiveness road map, of sorts, to inspire hope, encouragement, and inspiration for the journey. Married believers among us have the benefit of Christ; His example of the love toward the Church, and His presence with us, which I know from experience isn’t always the first thought when confronted with the tumult of anger and anxiety, but take heart, for the Church has been reconciled to Him (2 Cor 5:18-19) and serves as an example.
Take what you like and leave the rest,
Simeon A.