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Stress of Life

originally posted to the Sex Addiction and Love Addiction Recovery Blog

I offer these tips for achieving mind-body-spirit balance in our hectic world:

1.

“Create a healthy boundary for solitude.  People today are suffering from information (sensory) overload. The effect may result in poor memory, poor processing skills, poor attention span, poor decision-making, as well as decreased productivity. Resolve the process-addiction habits of constant cell phone, e-mail, Ipod, and Internet accessibility. Declare high-tech free zones (in space and time) each day.   In this solitude, take time for some simple relaxation techniques (e.g., breathing, yoga, tai chi, etc.) as an essential step in caring for the caregiver.

2.

“Resolve issues of anger and fear. Research is conclusive that chronic stress suppresses immune function (Kiecolt-Glaser, 1999). Energetically speaking, unresolved issues of anger and fear congest various aspects of subtle anatomy… thus affecting the integrity of various target organs. Making peace with our emotions (e.g., diplomatically confronting our fears and resolving anger issues through forgiveness) is essential for mind, body, and spirit. Additionally, joy, mirth, and gratitude are essential. Consider finding one humorous thing a day to lighten your heart.

3.

“Make a daily practice of meditation but this won’t happen until dedicated time and space is combined with the discipline to domesticate the ego.  Sitting still to clear your mind of ego chitchat is essential for mind-body-spirit equilibrium. Insights from a clear mind lend support to the Chinese axiom, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come” (N. Cheng [author of Life and Death in Shanghai], personal communication, January 21, 2006), but this won’t happen until dedicated time and space is combined with the discipline to domesticate the ego.

4.

“Engage in regular (daily) cardio-vascular exercise.  Exercise is the fight-or-flight response, so it would make sense that if you are stressed, exercise (like a homeopathic remedy) would help restore homeostasis. The benefits of regular cardiovascular exercise are numerous, including parasympathetic rebound and the “flushing” of stress hormones (cortisol) out of the system.

5.

“Maintain healthy eating habits.  The stress response depletes essential nutrients that often are not replaced with fast foods and comfort foods (empty calories). Moreover, many foods (e.g., caffeine, sugar, salt) act to increase the release of epinephrine and nor-epinephrine, hence throwing gasoline on the fire. Additionally, many foods contain significant traces of synthetic fertilizers and pesticides that overload the immune system. Organic foods are always the best choice.

6.

“Nurture strong support groups.  Friends offer a buffering effect to personal and social stress. It is now known as the “tend and befriend effect” (Taylor, 2002; Taylor et al., 2000). While friends cannot always help solve our problems, they can offer emotional and spiritual support. Remember, it’s not the quantity of friends, but the quality of friends that matters. The mind-body-spirit connection is far more complex than today’s science has yet to validate, yet when stress is left unresolved, we know this: ultimately the body becomes the battlefield for the war games of the mind. Where there is chronic stress, there are ego control will tell you these are the inner resources needed to successfully confront all roadblocks. The days of being chased by a saber-toothed tiger have now become days of entitlements with unmet expectations, urban sprawl, corporate downsizing, information overload, electromagnetic pollution, unruly teenagers, global warming, elder-care, in-your-face marketing, e-mail avalanches, and the threat (real or imagined) of global terrorism. As renowned stress researcher Hans Selye (1976) warned us, the physical body, in all its wonders, cannot stay in a state of stressed arousal without dire consequences. Ultimately stress kills. For this reason, a holistic approach is in our best interest.” – Dr. Brian Luke Seaward in Beginnings Winter 2007

Reducing stress is a lifestyle change.  Less TV, more friends and more exercise, more quiet time.  Life in balance leads us to able to handle the necessary stress of life.

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A Pastor Reflects on Porn and Church Leadership

Originally posted at: http://www.covenanteyes.com/2013/06/21/a-pastor-reflects-on-porn-and-church-leadership/

by Dr. T. C. Ryan

26/365 - Such ShameA very challenging situation came to my attention recently. It involves a woman who’s married to a man with a long-term addiction to pornography. She has talked with their pastor (the husband’s brother) but not much came of that. She is hurt, feels betrayed and doesn’t talk with her husband about his struggle anymore. We addressed this aspect of her story yesterday.

There is another facet to this situation which leads to questions about sexual brokenness and church leadership.

The woman writes that now her husband is being considered for an elder position by their pastor (his brother). It appears that in this congregation’s polity, everyone in the church votes for the leadership and their votes are known.

This is creating terrific anxiety for the woman. She feels betrayed (again) by her brother-in-law/pastor and by her husband because all three of them know the husband has a long-standing and unaltered practice of using pornography.

She feels that she cannot vote “yes” for her husband on principle; but if she votes “no” she’s afraid the truth will come out and her husband’s standing in the church will be ruined. She feels caught, alone and frustrated by an intolerable situation not of her own making.

How should we think about the leadership and spirituality?

The principle that should guide the development of healthy church leadership should never be performance and perfection. The Gospel mandate for healthy church leadership is pursuit and progress. 

In the greatest sermon ever preached, Our Lord made it clear that the goal of spiritual transformation is completeness or perfection. We live the Christian life to become like Christ, fully reflecting the goodness of our Father (Matthew 5:48). The path to that goal is to learn to fulfill the first and second great commandments, loving God with all our being and becoming more attached to him than anyone or anything else, and loving others as ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40). The truly spiritual life is one of progressing along that path.

Our sexuality is a primary arena in which we must learn to continually bring ourselves to the school of Christ for rewiring and transformation. We all have some mal-attachments in sexual thinking and perception—for all of us are sexual beings and all of us have challenges in the way we handle our thoughts and feelings. Sexuality is such a powerful force that it creates tremendous attraction—and in some cases revulsion—in us and we need the Spirit’s help in becoming healthy sexual people.

So how should churches handle compulsive sexual behaviors in leaders?

The church that wants to be useful and relevant will regularly share in board meetings, leadership group training and especially from the pulpit messages like this:

  • We live in a sex-crazed culture;
  • As beings made in the image of God we are all vulnerable around sexuality because it is so special, so wonderful, so personal and so powerful;
  • Because we so easily get our wires crossed around sex, lots of people—men and women—are finding themselves trapped in behaviors and habits they know are not right, ways of living they themselves don’t respect but are having trouble changing;
  • We can help each other change if we will use truth and grace.

Create an atmosphere of encouragement and growth, not inquisition. No condemnation or shaming. Be easy about it. Be open, not uptight. Intentionally develop a climate of invitation for everyone in the church body to grow in the grace and life-changing knowledge of Jesus Christ.

Regularly teach that leaders struggle just like everyone else, and in fact their isolation in leadership sometimes makes it more difficult and challenging to lead the life they really want to lead. This isn’t an excuse for unhealthy behavior, but it’s important to recognize the difficulty.

If leaders need help and are willing to get it, churches must do everything feasible to make it available. What helps the health of the leadership nurtures the well-being of the whole body.

Offer strategies for positive self-care steps. Educate the church body about compulsive sexual behaviors and strategies for recovery. Those who aren’t struggling with sexual addiction need to understand it anyway because so many folks around them are.

Remember to make the Main Thing the Main Thing

So what should the wife do about the church vote? She should probably vote “no” because that is what her conscience is telling her. But it’s important to explore the motivation. She doesn’t want to ruin her husband’s “standing” in the church; but his reputation isn’t real. It’s a façade. Her motivation can’t be for how he appears to others; her motivation has to be love for his soul.

We don’t forbid the brother who’s caught in the throes of addiction from leadership so that we protect the church or protect our reputations. No, we don’t put him in that role because right now, that’s not the loving thing to do for him. He needs something else. He needs recovery and health and growth in grace. And then he can serve.

Not too long ago, a notable church leader’s hidden sexual struggles came to light in a media storm. A friend told me about two separate conversations with atheists who reacted by strongly declaring that this was why they didn’t want to have anything to do with the Christian message. Because of this leader’s failure? No, they said, because of how badly the church treated him. They valued what we too often disregard. Love.

Remember the words of Jesus:  “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). Agape love, self-giving love is how Jesus teaches us to treat each other.

T. C. Ryan is the author of Ashamed No More: A Pastor’s Journey Through Sex Addiction (InterVarsity Press, 2012) and is a speaker about life in Christ, genuine spirituality and Christ and recovery. He can be found on Facebook (T. C. Ryan), tweets (@tcryanone) and his website is tc-ryan.com.

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Four Jobs of an Accountability Partner

by Jeff Fisher on May 13, 2013
http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/05/13/the-four-jobs-of-an-accountability-partner/

We wanted to share four key jobs every good accountability partner has:

cheerCHEER – The person in recovery needs to know that they are not alone. Someone is on their side. Someone is rooting for them. Not just from the sidelines, but right in the war with him. The cheerleader encourages, but is always genuine in his encouragement. He doesn’t say “good job” if it’s not merited. But he always says, “You can get there. With God’s help, you can do it!”

ChallengeCHALLENGE – The addict will plateau at times and settle in to a comfortable level. The accountability partner is always challenging them. Putting the Big Picture of sexual purity, glorifying God, and healthy sexuality in front of them. The accountability partner sees farther than where the addict is and challenges him to shoot higher. Challenge happens when there is positive momentum or plateauing.

confrontCONFRONT – Confrontation happens where there is negative momentum. When sin happens and failures happens they need to be addressed. When an addict is hardening his heart or not willing to take the next step the accountability partner needs to take the role of confronting them. When the addicts behavior is hurting others, it must be confronted. Confession and repentance are the right responses to confrontation.

 

encourageCOMFORT – The recovery process is full of hurts, wounds, disappointments, failures, and consequences. The recovering person needs an arm around him when times are tough. He needs someone who understands where he is at and just sits with him. Prays for him. Cries with him. Supports him. Cares.

An accountability partner can be an ear to hear venting. Sometimes he needs needs to pray for him. Sometimes he just needs to show that he cares with a phone call.

The grief process can be tremendous for the addict. The consequences can sometimes seem unbearable. This is where an accountability partner can be a big help.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Q: What would you add to our list? (it doesn’t have to start with a “C”)

Q: What other jobs or roles does an accountability partner have?

Q: What else has been helpful in your accountability process?

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Is Porn A Deal Breaker?

By , June 29, 2013
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2013/06/29/is-porn-a-deal-breaker

question-mark9Should a single woman who is in a serious dating relationship with a man consider his  frequent use of pornography a deal breaker when it comes to potential marriage?

It’s a great question, and it was recently posed to John Piper.  He began answering it on a podcast, but unfortunately the audio suffers some sort of glitch before we get to hear him answer the question fully.

Piper spends a good amount of time setting the stage for why porn is destructive and it would seem based on that that the answer would be “Yes, it’s a deal breaker.” But without the rest of the audio we don’t know his answer for certain.

i actually spoke with a woman last night who had been in this very situation several years ago.  The man wasn’t really dealing with the issue, and was somewhat prone to giving excuses. She told the man to get counseling. He got some counseling, and so did she. In the end she decided she wouldn’t marry the man.

i have to say it doesn’t bode well at all for a potential marriage if the pattern in the man’s life is frequent porn use, followed by no real progress in dealing with the behavior.  If he continues to give excuses, or just says he’s “trying,” but he still keeps his usual pattern of porn use, flags should start flying in the mind of a potential wife-to-be.

There are several reasons why it’s troubling, which include the pornography itself, as well as what the pattern tells you about the man as a person.

For one thing, porn is destructive and it immediately puts the wife-to-be in a horrible position of having to compete with hundreds upon thousands of images which is a losing situation for any real woman. For another, the man’s unwillingness to see the problem for what it is shows his connection to God and his ability to put his wife-to-be before himself are seriously lacking.

What’s more, it shows he really hasn’t understood some basic Biblical teaching about God, holiness and the Lordship of Christ.

Such a marriage will limp out of the gate and get worse from there.  Such a man is not prepared to love a real woman; therefore, he’s not ready to be a husband.

So, although i have no idea what Piper says in response to the question, my answer is “Yes, a man’s frequent porn use and lack of any measurable change on the issue are deal breakers for a potential marriage.”

Run in the other direction.

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Everyone Deserves Forgiveness

forgivenessMany people seem to have a misunderstanding about what it really means to forgive someone for a wrong done to them. The first thing I want to point out is… forgiveness is NOT a gift you give to another, but rather something you do inside of yourself, for yourself. The other person need never know. You can choose to extend forgiveness to the other person, if that is your choice, but it is not necessary in order to forgive inside of yourself and heal the pain you carry for a wrong another has done to you or that has affected you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation – nor does it mean you have to allow a behavior that can hurt you to continue to hurt you. Forgiveness is, in essence, the acknowledgment inside of yourself that the person who has wronged you in some way is a fallible human being – and that, like a human being, they made a mistake worthy of your forgiveness. …everyone deserves forgiveness inside of themselves, because to hold on to old wounds defeats you as a person. It closes off a part of your heart and self that you cannot give to anyone else as long as you hang on to the anger and bitterness that remains in you when you do not forgive. From “Forgiveness – the Gift You Give Yourself”
http://voices.yahoo.com/forgiveness-gift-give-yourself-84466.html?cat=5

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi