Entry 16: Yep, I am Insane

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. – Step Two

For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose. – Philippians 2:13

Yep, I am insane. I just finished step two. My sponsor and I meet for breakfast every week to check in, catch up, and try to restore me to sanity and stability. So, a few weeks ago, he told me we needed to move forward. To take the next step. To really look at my need to be restored to sanity. So that means I am insane? Evidently so.

He challenged me to make a list of my top ten most insane behaviors while acting out. Ok. That shouldn’t be too difficult. I completed my first step and disclosure so I have a pretty detailed listing of my behaviors. Only, that was really just a summary. A recitation of my life of addiction and acting out. Awesome. That was such fun.

Only this is different. In order to be restored to sanity I need to really face my own insanity. I told my sponsor, ok, I get it. I acted in inappropriate ways. I didn’t think about the consequences or the risk. Well, maybe I did but they didn’t stop me. So yes, I know I was insane. Evidently that isn’t enough.

My sponsor told me I needed to approach step two Biblically by using Psalm 119:9 as the basis:

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. – Psalm 119:9

Using this verse as my guideline, I had to identify three behaviors that best represented insanity in the course of my lifetime of acting out. Just three, huh? I think I could probably come up with more but ok, three it is. My three were that I committed adultery and broke my wedding vows, I lied repeatedly to my wife and family and friends and everyone, and that I exhibited hypocrisy by judging others and claiming to be something I was not – a man of integrity. Ok, damn, that hurt to write and to read. Now I had to take those and look at what the Bible says specifically about each of those by identifying scripture that addresses each.

Matthew 5 recounts the words of Christ in stating that anyone who looks on a woman with lust in his heart has committed adultery. I guess those second looks do come with consequences. Wow, I had read those words many times before. I just hadn’t really incorporated them into me. And they fit so well. Ok so that is the first.

There are multiple references in the Bible about honesty. Or in my case, the lack of honesty.  Let’s call it what it is…lying.  As I sought out references for this second insane behavior, 1 Thessalonians 4:6 caught my attention, to say the least. To paraphrase brother Paul, God punishes those who take advantage of others. Wow, that is so harsh.  In my case, so true. I had used falsehoods and lies to take advantage of my wife, my affair partners, my co-workers, my bosses, my company. God punishes those (me) who do that. I understand, God. I get it.

And finally…hypocrisy. I don’t really have to search far to find it. I just turn to Titus 1:16 where Paul uses God’s words to describe hypocrites. He calls my actions detestable and worthless for doing any good. My behavior, my actions, the core of my life…made me detestable and worthless.

I am tired. I am tired of who and what I was. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing all that I am not. God, only you can take this from me. I am insane.