Entry 10: Disclosure Day 2

I woke up today knowing I have one chance. One chance to break out of deception, addiction, and further damaging everyone around me including me.  I have been bargaining with God all night.  Do I really have to tell everything?  If she knows I had or even attempted sexual intercourse with her former friend, she has told me that will be it and she will leave me.  I remember what I heard in my Castimonia meeting last night, the one where everyone knew I was in the midst of an intensive.  I heard and was reminded that my recovery is not dependent on how she responds.

I don’t want to be this way. Not anymore.  I am deep in shame.  I don’t really spend time in emotions and I am being forced to do so now.  I hurt all over from the depth of my depravity.  I didn’t know emotions could hurt so much physically.  I keep breaking out into fits of sobbing and crying, almost like sneezes or coughs.  I just choke up and start crying uncontrollably.  This has never happened to me before.

The polygraph is more anxiety inducing than I expected. Our therapist has left me in the room with the polygrapher.  He explained to me that we are going to go into detail and he is validating what I said in my disclosure and some further questions from my wife and therapist.  He says that his goal is to help me break free from my addiction and lying.  And I believe him.  He is a professional and is approaching this so thoroughly.  I don’t want to let him down. I don’t want to let my wife down, or my kids, or my God.  I have done that all my life.  How can any of them love what I am right now?

I have gone through everything in detail. I have given up the last vestiges of my deception.  The things I couldn’t give up.  I have.  I don’t want those secrets anymore.  I can’t keep them.  They feel like poison that has been extracted from my soul.  I am afraid of the results of what I just let go, but I know I can’t survive if I hold them in my consciousness.

He hooked me up to the polygraph, attached the sensors to my fingers and across my chest. He went through several questions to make sure I had disclosed everything and wasn’t being deceptive.  He gave me the opportunity to take it a third time if I was unsure if I was truthful or was withholding anything.  I politely declined and said lets go see my wife and our therapist.  I had to tell my wife the things I hadn’t told her in the disclosure but had told the polygraph operator before the test.  They were as damaging as I thought.  But she didn’t walk away.  I passed.  Yippee. Not really.  This isn’t a celebration.

We are in the hotel. Its the end of day 2.  I passed the polygraph but have I damaged her beyond repair?  Is our marriage over?

She wants to read me another letter. I am not sure I am ready for a second “I Hate You” letter.  It isn’t that.  It’s a love letter.  She just thanked me for letting go of my sin, my lies and for caring for her enough to pay for the intensive and to tell the truth even though she knew I didn’t want to.  God, how can you work in the darkest places?  Thank you.