Okay, so here is the scene. I am at my counselor’s office. He is in the same practice as my wife’s counselor. My wife is there with her counselor as well. Its about three weeks since I was found out. Since what the experts in recovery call “discovery.” This is our first joint counseling session. My counselor wants to share with my wife’s counselor where we are in the counseling process. He told me that they want to talk about our “situation” together in front of us, you know, to make sure we are all “on the same page.”
This is a potentially dangerous to my own well being situation. My wife’s counselor originally told my wife the first time I was found out that there was more I wasn’t telling her. That that isn’t all there was to it. That I was not being forthcoming, you know……lying. My wife didn’t want to hear it or deal with it. I avoided disclosure and was able to convince everyone that was it and I was okay. Or so I thought.
Here we are now three weeks after my wife finding out again, after that text message. I am in real trouble. My counselor knows things about me that I have never told anyone else. He knows there is more to it than my wife or her counselor know. I am sure this is going to be him telling them both the extent of my depravity.
That isn’t what is happening. This is the most surreal experience of my life. My counselor is laying bare the roots of my addiction. He is stating that my issues aren’t just about sex addiction. He believes there are love and fantasy issues along with abandonment and loneliness. Probably even depression as well. Who exactly is he talking about? He hasn’t told me any of this. How dare he say all of this without discussing with me. He works for me!
My wife, her counselor, and my counselor are discussing treatment options, talking about next steps. Her counselor is stating that disclosure with a polygraph is the only way my wife will consider staying married to me. She is asking if my counselor agrees, which he does. I want to raise my hand and say, “HELLO, I AM RIGHT HERE!” According to the behavior of everyone in the room, I am not here. They are all talking around me. What is going on??
My counselor then says to my wife and her counselor that my case is very complex. That my recovery is not an easy one. I will require lots of therapy and psychological counseling. At least two to three years….wait, what? Did he just say that? Two to three years? Is he joking? He hasn’t said this to me! Again, does he not know he works for ME?!
I just realized something….I am broken. Oh God, I am broken. God, how did you let this happen to me? I am broken. Can I ever be whole again? I just got it. I just had a realization: I am not ok.