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Sometimes Your Husband is Not the Only One Who Needs Change

I will state that what works for some, does not work for others.  What worked for this spouse of a sex addict may or may not work in allowing God to heal the wounds created by the husband, so take what you like and leave the rest.  And husbands, don’t try to be the Holy Spirit and use this example on your wife, allow the Holy Spirit to guide your wives to their own healing.

Sometimes your husband is not the only one who needs change..

Sometimes your husband is not the only one who needs change.
February 2, 2013 by

A couple of years ago I lived in a very different world. My world was full of hurt and betrayal. I tried all manner of things to ease the pain but nothing worked. I was hopeless. I remember one particular day when I called a family member to vent. I was ready to move on, to get a fresh start.  I let it all out:

I don’t deserve this! I don’t want this to be my life! I deserve to be loved and treated well!  I deserve to be happy. I’m not going to waste my whole life waiting for someone else to change. I deserve better than this!

Having had the opportunity to talk to many women who have been or who currently are in similar situations I know these feelings are not unique. I also know that just because the majority of people feel this way doesn’t make it right.

Today as I think upon those feelings and the words I used to express my pain I cringe.  I see how selfish and prideful I was.

With all that was happening to me by the actions of my husband it never dawned on me that there was anything about me that needed to change.  The idea that I was just as lost as Chad not only never crossed my mind but made made me angry to hear it suggested.  And here’s the kicker:  Do I really have the right to demand happiness, comfort, peace and love? At that time I believed I did. I had bought into the lie that suggests a Christian will always be happy, that trials, at least not big ones, will not come my way.   My idea of being a Christian looked more like the world’s ways than Jesus’ way (Phil 2:7-8).

It wasn’t until I began a bible study with a dear christian woman that the idea of not having rights surfaced.   I balked! Don’t tell me that, I thought. I’m not going to be a doormat for others to walk all over. Most certainly not my husband! It set me back and it took a while for God’s word to speak reassuring truth to my soul.

What I learned is that trouble is promised to us. We aren’t promised comfort and security but we are promised that God will be with us through the fire. We aren’t told that he will always keep us out of it. This simple truth transformed my life.

So here I was learning that I didn’t have rights and that I was just as selfish and prideful as Chad. His pride played out in a very different way, but I was just as prideful. His selfishness was out there for all to see, but I was very selfish in ways that others didn’t notice as much. I began to see my great need for God. I began, not to cry out for my marriage to be saved, or for happiness, but for God to save me from myself. I prayed and still pray for God to show me my heart and my desires as He sees them. When He reveals the way that He sees my wants and desires I can do nothing but fall at His feet and cry for mercy.

Once I began to focus on God and on my need for Him my troubles didn’t overwhelm me as they did before. I had a glimpse of my Savior and how great He is and how small I am. My life became less about pleasing myself as I began to strive to please my God and in doing that, the troubles I faced gave me greater opportunities to please my Lord. It’s during those times of trial that the rubber meets the road. Do you really believe God is with you? Suffering and trouble will show you. I am in no way perfect. I still struggle with seeing things the way I should. There are times that I have to stop myself and remind myself that my comfort and my happiness is not paramount. God is using hard days and realizations of my sinfulness to draw me to Him.

Will you allow God to speak to you through your trials? Will you praise God despite your pain? Will you honor the Lord in suffering with grace and obedience? Those are my goals. I believe if we do this it will not only help us through our trouble but most importantly it will please our Lord!

God give us the eyes to see our hearts as you see them and the ears to hear your still small voice when trouble is roaring all around us!

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Erectile Dysfunction And Porn: How Over-stimulation Can Ruin Your Sex Life

Originally posted on 09/14/2012

“With a buffet including live sex chat, new naked chicks with every click, multiple windows, and escalating levels of hardcore, what actually happens inside the brain is a form of overdosing.”  Porn is so readily available now that it’s hard to say no.  though, there’s a very good reason to pull out: erectile dysfunction Research shows that being exposed to porn desensitizes men to the point where getting turned on by regular sex simply isn’t exciting enough.

Call it a new type of impotence, if you will, where men in this study — as young as in their 20s — found it normal to have erectile dysfunction during real sexual interactions yet still were excited for the smörgåsbord of internet porn.  We get a dopamine spike from something wild stroking our switch, but the more we’re exposed to it and the more intense the exposure, the harder of a time we have getting aroused for our normal sex scenes at home.

For many men, achieving an erection without the constant exposure that internet porn provides is becoming more challenging. Maybe it’s time for us to go porn-free, but who actually has the willpower?

My response to the writer’s question:

With abstinence from pornography, the “arousal template” shrinks back to normal where one can enjoy sexual intercourse without the extremes seen in pornography.  The only way I found to remain abstinent was through a proper sexual addiction recovery program.

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Porn v The Economy v The Internet

I can’t say I feel sorry for the decline of revenues in the porn industry due to the economy, internet piracy, and free internet porn videos.  I believe that if one cuts the demand, then the supply will dwindle.  We can block all the pornography we want, but without education, rehabilitation, and proper addiction counseling, the addict will find a way around filters as seen in the Middle East where they use non-pornographic sites to share their filth.

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Sexy Toys and Clothes: Priming Our Kids for Porn and Pedophiles

Sexy Toys and Clothes: Priming Our Kids for Porn and Pedophiles

Posted on September 14, 2012 by  at http://pornoculation.com/2012/09/14/sexy-toys-and-clothes-priming-our-kids-for-porn-and-pedophiles

“She’ll show off a little sass wearing this sparkly sequin graphic tee from Stardoll.”

Huh? Children’s brains are not naturally programed for sexuality, but you wouldn’t know that by some of the clothes young children are wearing.  I’m not sure why any mom wants her 7 year old daughter to wear a sequin shirt with big pouty red lips, but I am sure it’s part of a broader cultural trend that is sexualizing our young children via clothing and toys.

Cultural trends can be so incremental, that we may not recognize them. We may adopt them without thinking, which is why looking back in history is so important. But I digress…

I found these “Monster High” dolls on the Toy’s R Us website. Here’s Draculaura, dressed in fishnet tights, high heel boots and a mini-skirt. Little pink hearts are scattered around, too. Really pretty disturbing when you think that little girls are playing with these dolls. The spring break doll was equally sexualized, if not more so.

My rule of thumb: if you don’t want your daughter to wear it, don’t let her dolls wear it either. Because there may be “unintended consequences.” Kids mimic everything–they are hardwired to do that.

But here’s another problem with dressing our kids in “sexy” clothes:

Sexy kid’s clothing may also invite unwanted attention from a pedophile.

I know that sounds extreme, but not to expert criminal profiler, police trainer and author Deborah Schurman-Kauflin, Ph.D. who makes this case in a September 2011 Psychology Today article entitled “Porn for Pedophiles: ‘Sexy Children’ on Parade.” She begins by describing the child beauty pageant shows which feature very young children dressed up “in bikinis, mini dresses, and other revealing clothing. The girls are then prodded to dance around like mini-strippers. Both moms and dads call to their girls to shake their hips and strike sexy poses.”

But it gest worse. Dr. Schurman-Kauflin asserts that child molesters watch these shows to get their kicks and explains that the typical pedophile studies a child from a distance before they strike. She goes on to advise parents:

“Unfortunately, we live in a time where we have to be watchful. It is not a good idea to sexualize your children. If you do it, don’t be surprised when others see your child as a sex object. To the predator, this is an invitation…Monsters are out there…Wouldn’t it be better to allow your child to be a child than to turn her into a target?”

Children are not sexual beings. If we want to avoid priming our children for pornography or making them a target for a pedophile, we need to carefully select their clothing and toys to give them a childhood free from sexualization. Then we must warn them in an age-appropriate way to turn away from sexualized images. It’s a tall order, but I believe it can be done.

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Video – Bernie’s Story

Bernie and his wife share their story

Adventist pastors (or pastors of any faith) aren’t supposed to be addicted to pornography. Yet several years ago, Bernie Anderson found himself in this uncomfortable spot. Learn how God took Anderson’s recipe for disaster and turned it into a powerful healing ministry. Currently Anderson serves as Lead Pastor of the Wasatch Hills Seventh-day Adventist Church in Salt Lake City, UT.

(Winner of SONscreen’s 2011 Best Professional Film Award)