Originally posted at: http://p0rnaddictswife.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/and-the-bottom-dropped-out/
It is bad, really bad. Maybe the worst I have yet had to deal with. The shock and disbelief of his revelation on Thursday night is still coursing through my body and mind. He has been in full blown relapse for 2 months – this time it includes groping a woman while we were on vacation and shortly thereafter getting caught acting out at work (some form of porn) and receiving a warning. So many lies, soo many. At a time when I thought we were really working on being open and honest and vulnerable.
I can’t believe I didn’t see it. I can’t believe that I was a fool again, taken advantage of again. I have such incredible anger, at myself for being played, at him for thinking that he could treat me this way. Sometimes I want to hurl things at his head. I almost carried through with it the other night but what stopped me was it was one of my favorite glasses and if I missed him, I would shatter a huge window that would cost several thousands of dollars to replace. Right now I would like to slam him up against a wall by his throat. The urge for physical violence is so strong that my ears are humming and my hands are numb.
I will be doing normal things and be in the present and I will get hit with the gravity and depth of what he has done and forget everything – what I am doing, where I am, who I am. I can’t seem to figure out how I am going through this again. What weak, f-ed up, scared part of me stays despite the devastation and knowing it will come again? How pathetic I must be, I must seem to him. He has the audacity to talk to me about taking a trip to NY between Christmas and New Years because there is an art show he wants to see. I don’t know if I can spend time with him in any social situation without worrying that he will touch some woman or flirt with someone or oogle them. I don’t f-ing need that.
I feel like so much has been taken from me. Innocuous things: the library – he acted out on the computers there many many times, bookstores – really anywhere that sells magazines, television – I can’t watch women’s tennis or volleyball or softball; those are acting out fodder for him, these are just some of them. And what do I get in return? Love? It doesn’t seem like enough. My therapist asked me why I stay. Is it money, or fear, or what is it. I don’t think I have a solid answer, but money, fear of being alone, wanting to “save” him are all components.
Travel was always a refuge for us because we could get away from the day-to-day and the addiction and the chaos and be with each other. Even in some of the hardest times, we travelled so well together. It helped us reset, even if only for a few days. It gave me a chance to see what I loved and why I wanted to be with him. It is gone now. A situation happened when we were in New Orleans (one of my very favorite places, now bittersweet) and he jeopardized not only his safety but mine and a friends’. The woman he grabbed had a very angry boyfriend and came after him. Our friend and I put ourselves in the way to talk this guy down because I could not fathom that my husband had done this. It was so completely out of character that it was impossible. Many drinks had been consumed but I have seen him incredibly f-ed up and this had never happened. He denied and denied that anything had happened. He said he had no idea what was going on. And I believed it even though I had a niggling suspicion, especially after his friend texted him that karma is a bitch and that we have young daughters. So in his revelation on Thursday about getting caught acting out at work, I asked if he had groped the woman in New Orleans, and he said yes, he forgot to tell me that. This is currently the hardest thing I am trying to process. That he would so blatantly disregard me, my safety, our friends safety.
Anyway, I am feeling pretty lost and checked out. I am trying to make plans that will keep me out of the house as much as possible. He is not sleeping in bed with me, nor can I foresee that coming. It is time for boundaries and I can’t even process that yet. I am going to try some recovery literature and reread what I had in place before.