Posts Tagged ‘masturbation’

Posted: 24 Jan 2014 03:00 AM PST

Masturbation is one of those hushed words in many church and family circles.  We don’t talk about it, we struggle with it, we are confused by it, yet we have important questions about it.

THE BIGGEST QUESTION:  Is it OK to masturbate?

I found an interesting article on about masturbation.  Dr.  Harry W. Schaumburg shares some things to consider: CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL ARTICLE   Dr. Shaumburg comes to these conclusions in his article that are worth looking at.

  • Sex is a part of a personal relationship with another person; masturbation is non-relational.
  • Sex is to be exclusive; masturbation typically involves sexually impure thoughts.
  • Sex is to be special and intimate; masturbation is frequent and shallow.
  • Sex is to be fruitful (productive) in that man is designed to enter a woman and to create, both at a relational and reproductive level; masturbation treats sex like a commodity to be consumed.
  • Sex is to take place within the context of selfless love; masturbation is designed to satisfy oneself.
  • Sex is multi-dimensional; masturbation separates the physical from everything else.
  • Sex is to be complementary; masturbation is non-unitive.

NOW WHAT DO I DO? Many people spend a lot of energy building a case against masturbation.  That’s fine and it’s important.  But for those of us who want to be better and sexual pure… what do we do now?  Here are some tips to begin to break away from masturbation.

1.  Clean house – sometimes that stuff we have lying around the house (magazines, videos, music)  encourage lustful behavior.

2.  Find several healthy outlets for stress and emotions – Substitute a bad habit with a good habit.  Get to the gym, work outside, get busy with a project, go hang out with some buddies.  The TV and computer are probably not healthy outlets…find something else to relieve stress.

3.  You gotta talk to someone – A pastor, a Christian friend, a counselor…  If you really want to stop this, it needs to stop being a secret.

4.  Surrender to God – You may have done this time and time again, but you gotta let go and let God help you with the struggle.  Masturbation is a learned habit.  We are not powerful enough to stop it.  Invite God’s presence and power. There are many other things that will help like being part of a recovery group, reading recovery material, listening to recovery podcasts, but I want to give you one more big one…

5.  Get a notebook and write out your feelings and needs – Masturbation is a symptom of the undercurrent of emotions and unmet needs you have.  A notebook helps you talk it out, pray it out, vent it out.  Give it a try.  You’re not a sissy!  Get a notebook and work it out!


Jeff Fisher helps guys with their purity journeys through:

  • Online / Phone Support Groups
  • Accountability Coaching
  • Personal Coaching
  • Speaking at Conferences

Are you highly self-critical? Do you beat yourself up over failures? Do you work too much and push too hard without giving yourself time to breathe? Do you feel the need to compete, outperform others, and move ahead of the pack? Do you live with shame or a sense of not being good enough? We live in a society that regularly sends us the message to achieve more, work harder, win, be perfect, be the best. There is of course nothing wrong with having goals and dreams to pursue. However, most of us don’t stop to consider whether our self-critical and competitive attitude is actually helping us achieve these goals or whether it might actually be standing in our way. New research suggests self-compassion may be a far superior alternative. Kristin Neff, associate professor of Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas and pioneer of research on self-compassion, has shown that when our self-worth depends on out-competing others, we actually become more insecure and anxious: if we fail, we become highly self-critical, adding to our misery. Faced with criticism, we become defensive and feel crushed. We give up in the face of challenge. Moreover, competition fosters disconnection: rather than building social connection which research shows is essential to well-being, we view others as obstacles to overcome and we ultimately feel more separate from others. The primary goal of our desire for success is to be successful, to belong, and to be loved yet ironically self-criticism and competition end up having the reverse effect. Where self-criticism leaves us powerless and distraught, self-compassion is at the root of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. With self-compassion, we value yourself not because we’ve judged ourselves positively and others negatively but because we are intrinsically deserving of care and concern just like everyone else. Self-compassion means treating ourselves as we would a friend. Rather than berating, judging, or adding to a friend’s despair, we listen with empathy and understanding, encourage them to remember that mistakes are normal, and validate their emotions without adding fuel to the fire. Neff defines self-compassion as “being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical; perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as isolating; and holding painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than over-identifying with them.” From “Overcoming Shame: The Powerful Benefits of a Little Self-Love” by Emma Seppala, Ph.D

Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots. Frank A. Clark

If you suffer from chronic anxiety and worries, chances are you look at the world in ways that make it seem more dangerous than it really is. For example, you may overestimate the possibility that things will turn out badly, jump immediately to worst-case scenarios, or treat every negative thought as if it were fact. You may also discredit your own ability to handle life’s problems, assuming you’ll fall apart at the first sign of trouble. These irrational, pessimistic attitudes are known as cognitive distortions. Although cognitive distortions aren’t based on reality, they’re not easy to give up. Often, they’re part of a lifelong pattern of thinking that’s become so automatic you’re not even completely aware of it. In order to break these bad thinking habits and stop the worry and anxiety they bring, you must retrain your brain. Start by identifying the frightening thought, being as detailed as possible about what scares or worries you. Then, instead of viewing your thoughts as facts, treat them as hypotheses you’re testing out. As you examine and challenge your worries and fears, you’ll develop a more balanced perspective. Stop worry by questioning the worried thought: – What’s the evidence that the thought is true? That it’s not true? – Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation? – What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen? – If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes? – Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me? – What would I say to a friend who had this worry? By Melinda Smith, M.A., Robert Segal, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” – Mark Twain

Merimnao has created a tool to help assess our level of anxiety.  This is only a tool to be used for self-assessment, not diagnosis.  Please download the tool via this link to work the self-assessment.

Anxiety Assessment Tool
The Merimnao Anxiety Assessment Tool

Aug 15, 2013 12:06 PM CDT

Sep 14, 2013 12:41 PM CDT

By DeAnn Smith, Digital Content Manager
By Dave Jordan, News Reporter

KANSAS CITY, MO (KCTV) -Kansas City FBI agents have scrutinized allegations that an online relationship led to Councilman Michael Brooks being blackmailed into getting city tax dollars for a community event that never occurred.KCTV5 has learned that the FBI has investigated the situation, and the case remains open. The FBI is expected to step up its review, as Brooks acknowledged overnight a blackmail attempt, but maintains the FBI investigation has nothing to do with his handling of the controversial event. Brooks said to say otherwise was just “lies.”Brooks is a married father of four and a Baptist minister.He told reporters he went to the FBI to report a blackmail attempt by the woman he had a salacious online relationship with.

He said he has spoken to FBI agents about her attempt to blackmail him, and could not comment in detail because it’s an open case. He said the woman he was involved with tried to extort $60,000 from him. He said they both exchanged lurid pictures.

“The involvement with the lady was a mistake. I’ve apologized to my family. I’ve apologized to my church. I’ve apologized to the council people, and I’ll apologize to the public now on camera,” he said.

In a letter he released Wednesday night, Brooks admitted to his council colleagues that he had an inappropriate online relationship with a woman and he apologized for it.

But Brooks insisted that relationship and her blackmail effort had nothing to do with the city funding issued last fall to bring boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. to Kansas City to speak to at-risk youth. That event fell apart, and Mayweather never came and a substitute speaker was not found.

“I want to apologize for the horrible lack of judgement concerning my involvement with this lady. It was a terrible mistake and totally out of line,” the Baptist minister wrote.

Allegations involving an inappropriate sexting relationship have swirled around Brooks for a year. Brooks acknowledged that there was an attempt to blackmail him over his relationship, but maintains that effort had nothing to do with his handling of the Mayweather event.

“As I have stated before, there is absolutely no connection between her blackmail attempt, and the Mayweather event,” Brooks declared.

The Kansas City Police Department investigated the allegations, and forwarded the case file to Jackson County Prosecutor Jean Peters Baker. Earlier this summer, Baker determined she would not pursue any criminal charges and closed the case.

Thursday morning, KCTV5 asked Mike Mansur, spokesman for Baker, whether the case remains closed. He said the office would have no comment Thursday, but suggested “check back Friday.”

Brooks urged City Manager Troy Schulte to issue a city  check for $15,000 for what he called “seed money” to bring Mayweather to Kansas City.

Brooks said he asked Schulte for the funding, which went to youth group leader Ossco Bolton of the group P.O.S.S.E. In June, Brooks flatly said he did not do anything to “twist” Schulte’s arm and that this type of request was routine at City Hall.

He said he made clear to Schulte that if he couldn’t find the money that he understood, but he said they both agreed it was a good event.

But Schulte was unaware that Mayweather had battered a woman, which the boxer later admitted to. Once that came to light, the event fell apart.

Bolton traveled to Las Vegas on taxpayer expense in an attempt to line up Mayweather. Bolton spent thousands of dollars on travel, entertainment, security and other expenses related to the event. But the Kansas City Police Department found he also spent some of the money on personal expenses, including clothing, movies and fast food.

Bolton never got anyone to replace Mayweather and the event was never held. The city has been unsuccessful in its efforts to get the $15,000 returned.

Brooks has said that the $15,000 was just a start to get someone of Mayweather’s caliber to come to Kansas City.

Ron Hunt, who worked with Bolton in seeking the money, was out of his regular job as of Thursday.

Hunt had worked for the past 9 months as an outreach specialist for the Full Employment Council. Clyde McQueen, president and CEO for the council, said he could not say whether Hunt was no longer with the FEC because of the Brooks controversy, but did confirm Hunt’s employment ended effective Thursday.

Brooks spoke to reporters as the City Council met Thursday. Brooks is a pastor at Zion Grove Missionary Baptist Church.

“I just want to take this opportunity to offer my apology jeopardizing your trust, and for disrespecting my position,” Brooks said in his letter to his council colleagues. “This is now a private matter between my wife, my family and the church, and we will handle it accordingly. Asking for your prayers.”

Bolton has maintained that nothing inappropriate occurred in him trying to get funds for the Mayweather event. Both Bolton and Brooks have made positive remarks about each other.

Bolton said last year that he tried to reschedule the event or get a substitute leader such as Mayweather’s father to head up the event in early 2013.

More than 300,000 attempts were made to access pornographic websites at the Houses of Parliament in the past year, according to official records.

The revelations will be awkward for David Cameron who has demanded that internet service providers do more to stop children viewing inappropriate content

MPs, peers and staff at the Houses of Parliament have tried to access ‘adult’ websites using their work computers 309,316 times over the past year, according to official figures.


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“As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims”. One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal. It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where “boy meets girl” “boy loses girl” “boy gets girl back” – the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say “I can’t smile without you” “I can’t live without you” “You are my everything” describe the type of love we learned about growing up – toxic love – an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power. Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self – and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up. There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever-after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship. True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can’t be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love. As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever – we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply – using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love – nor is it Loving. By Robert Burney

“You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do.” - A. J. Kitt